On March 25, 2014 our adoption story went from crazy to unbelievable. Lucas and I were going about our normal morning routine when I received a phone call that I didn't answer because I had just got Lucas out of the bath. When I finally got around to looking at my phone I noticed my missed call was from the adoption agency. I also had a text message from our social worker that said, "Can you please give me a call. Everything is fine. Just need to chat with you about something important." We love our social worker, but hate getting phone calls from her. We have been conditioned to feel sick to our stomachs when she calls because so many of her calls deliver horrific news. My heart was pounding so loudly and my hands were shaking so badly as I waited for her to pick up the phone. The first thing she said was, "Everything with Lucas is fine. This has nothing to do with him or his adoption." Phew! She asked if I was sitting down for this news. I wasn't. I was pacing the living room, wanting her to spit out whatever it was she had to tell me. The words that came out of her mouth were, "Sawyer is available". The family that took him from us had some sort of emergency and weren't going to be able to care for him anymore. Her question was, "Did we want to take placement of Sawyer?" Elizabeth (our social worker) and I conference called Ron and I told him the news. The first thing Ron said was, "Why?" I don't think we will ever know the specifics of why they didn't want to or couldn't care for him anymore but that doesn't matter to us. According to his current foster parents and his social worker Sawyer is healthy, happy, thriving, handsome, has no health concerns and is meeting his developmental milestones.
Just to clarify... Sawyer was the first baby that we brought home and had for 31 days before he was removed because of an error made by Social Services.
Social Services wanted our answer in a couple hours. Ron and I started to process this information. Ron was completely on board almost immediately. I on the other hand needed to try and think rationally, even though I wanted to say yes. But it was Sawyer. We love him so much and the day we had to say good-bye was the worst day of our lives. But we had Lucas now. Would bringing Sawyer into our home be fair to Lucas? Would it be fair to Sawyer? How would we handle two infants? Would we ever sleep again? Could we afford it? Would we regret not taking placement of Sawyer? Did we really want to deal with Social Services again and weekly birth mom visits? But it was Sawyer. He was the first baby to show us how amazing parenthood was. He had a special place in our hearts. He was our son. I saw Ron become a great father when Sawyer was with us. This might be our only chance for Lucas to have a sibling.
I felt overwhelmed and nervous. I couldn't make such a huge decision in a couple of hours. I asked our Social Worker to ask Soical Services if we could give our final decision the following day. We needed to give our answer by 8:00am the following morning.
Five days before we received this news our social worker told us that she saw Sawyer and his foster family at Social Services about a month ago. She said he was big and looked like he was doing well. She described his foster family as 'earthy' aka hippies. We also found out his foster family was Jehovah's Witnesses. We were so sad. We had been praying for months that Sawyer would have every opportunity to come to know Christ. With this hope, we knew that if we didn't ever see him again on Earth that we would see him in Heaven. Maybe we were supposed to take him so that he would be raised in a loving Christian home. Who knew what kind of a home he would go to if we didn't take him?
We were told there were plenty of other families that would love to have Sawyer and that if we didn't take him he would be okay. Typically a family with a 5 week old baby would not be eligible for another child until the first adoption is finalized. However, our case is different because we were listed as first placement if Sawyer's current foster family decided they couldn't keep him. We just never thought that would happen. Plus, everyone involved in Sawyer's case knew how much we loved this little guy and how special he was to us.
After Landon's (the baby right before Lucas) birth mom changed her mind about keeping him and wanted to give him back to us a few weeks ago, we played the what if game. What if the foster family that had Sawyer didn't want him anymore? Would we take him? That answer was always yes. A yes with no hesitation. But now that it was really happening it was hard to try and make the best decision for everyone involved.
Ron told me he would be okay with whatever decision I made. He assured me that there was enough love to go around and that we could handle whatever was thrown our way. The first little while would definitely be challenging, but the pros outweighed the cons. He promised to step up on his daddy responsibilities so that I wouldn't feel extremely overwhelmed. He even tried to bribe me by bringing home a super huge burrito from my favorite mexican restaurant. However, by that time my mind was already made up. Sawyer would be joining our family once again.
O-M-G!!! I couldn't even believe we were going to do this. We are crazy! It will be like having twins. Twins that look completely different and are 3 months apart. We felt excited, nervous, hopeful, slightly sick to our stomachs but in a good way, and so happy that we had this opportunity.
On Wednesday morning we met with a team from the Department of Social Services and a social worker from our agency. We were completely unaware that this meeting would include a conference call to Sawyer's current foster mom. We got to ask questions about him, which helped completely reassure our decision. At one point his foster mom even said that he was going to the family that should've had him all along. When the conference call ended Ron totally called out the social workers from Social Services about our previous experience with them. We got several apologies and were told that because of their original mistake they have changed their policies so that it doesn't happen to other families. We never thought they would apologize and the fact that they did meant a lot.
We still have many court dates in our future, but each one will get us closer to Sawyer officially becoming a Sequeira. He still has weekly visits with his birth mom, which was extremely difficult to deal with last time. Because he is a foster child we have many rules to follow and cannot legally post pictures of him of social media. It will be a difficult road, but it will be worth it in the end.
Sawyer rejoined our family on Thursday March 27, 2014.
Pray that he adjusts well to these changes that he has no control over. Pray that we do an awesome job of raising our 2 boys. And pray for strength for us as we deal with the legal aspects of it all.
We never imagined that this would be God's plan for us after everything we have endured the past year. If Sawyer was never taken away, we wouldn't have Lucas. Just a mere 6 weeks ago I was doubting that God would ever bless us with a baby and now we have two!
Until next time...
We Opt To Adopt
Friday, March 28, 2014
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
An Unexpected Twist
Lucas was home for all of 2 days when I received a text message that caught me by complete surprise. It was from Landon's birth mom.
Ron looked stunned as I read him the text message. Of course we wanted Landon. Even though we only spent a short time with him, we loved him and considered him our son. After all, he was a Sequeira. We tried to figure out if it was in the realm of possibilities to take on another newborn. Sounds crazy, right? It didn't take long for us to start thinking logically. It wouldn't be fair to Lucas if he had to share our attention with Landon. It wouldn't be fair to Lucas' birth mom who picked us knowing that we had no other children and that he would be receiving all of our attention. Our bank account would be taking another major dip if we had to pay more adoption fees. Yes, it would be worth every penny to have Landon but that doesn't make it the right decision. It would be different if it was twins because that is 'buy one, get one free'! It would be double the diapers and formula (it's not like I can breast feed and save tons of money). We felt so torn. We loved Landon. We loved him enough to decide that he would probably be better off with another family that wanted to adopt. It would almost seem kind of greedy to take two babies in such a short amount of time when there are other families out there waiting for their forever child. But at the same time, this could be our only chance at having 2 children. After everything we've gone through, we are not interested in growing our family of 3. Our hearts can't take anymore. I felt guilty that we decided to not take Landon.
We called our social worker to tell her what happened. She told us she already knew that 'Y' had changed her mind. She apologized for not telling us and said she didn't want to confuse us, but was going to tell us eventually. I didn't blame her. I certainly did feel confused. She had forgotten that 'Y' had my phone number, so that we could be in contact at the hospital if she needed me. Our social worker told us that 'Y' had contacted the adoption agency and told them she changed her mind and wanted to place Landon with us. 'Y's social worker told her that we were 'unavailable' and that she could pick another family. If she decided to pick another family, she would need to sign paperwork to terminate her rights immediately and Landon would be placed with a foster family for 10 business days until her rights were officially terminated. She was too much of a risk to do it any other way. 'Y' made it clear that she only wanted to place Landon with us, which made me feel worse about our decision. 'Y' had no idea we had Lucas. 'Y' must have contacted us herself because she needed to hear for herself that we really were 'unavailable'.
Our social worker told us it was our choice whether or not we wanted to respond back to her. We felt it was only fair that we be honest with her. We knew it wasn't easy for her to send that text message to us.
Until next time...
"...I know you might not want to hear from me, but I just wanted to apologize for being a coward and not following through with the adoption. I know that I caused you and Ron a great deal of pain and for that I am truly sorry. It wasn't my intention. Please don't think that I didn't like you guys as adoptive parents because that wasn't it... I changed my mind about the adoption. And as much as this hurts and breaks my heart to say, I need to stop being selfish and think about where my baby will be better off. I know that adoption is the best thing for my child... I'm doing the responsible thing and helping give my child a life he deserves to live. And I know you and Ron can provide that for my baby... I don't know if you guys are still willing, or want to continue the adoption process. If not, I understand..."I couldn't believe it. When we went home without Landon, I hoped this would happen but I never actually believed 'Y' would change her mind. Ron was out doing an errand for me when I received this text, so as I waited for him to return home my mind was running wild. I read the text over and over and over again just to make sure I had read it correctly. I wasn't dreaming, this was real.
Ron looked stunned as I read him the text message. Of course we wanted Landon. Even though we only spent a short time with him, we loved him and considered him our son. After all, he was a Sequeira. We tried to figure out if it was in the realm of possibilities to take on another newborn. Sounds crazy, right? It didn't take long for us to start thinking logically. It wouldn't be fair to Lucas if he had to share our attention with Landon. It wouldn't be fair to Lucas' birth mom who picked us knowing that we had no other children and that he would be receiving all of our attention. Our bank account would be taking another major dip if we had to pay more adoption fees. Yes, it would be worth every penny to have Landon but that doesn't make it the right decision. It would be different if it was twins because that is 'buy one, get one free'! It would be double the diapers and formula (it's not like I can breast feed and save tons of money). We felt so torn. We loved Landon. We loved him enough to decide that he would probably be better off with another family that wanted to adopt. It would almost seem kind of greedy to take two babies in such a short amount of time when there are other families out there waiting for their forever child. But at the same time, this could be our only chance at having 2 children. After everything we've gone through, we are not interested in growing our family of 3. Our hearts can't take anymore. I felt guilty that we decided to not take Landon.
We called our social worker to tell her what happened. She told us she already knew that 'Y' had changed her mind. She apologized for not telling us and said she didn't want to confuse us, but was going to tell us eventually. I didn't blame her. I certainly did feel confused. She had forgotten that 'Y' had my phone number, so that we could be in contact at the hospital if she needed me. Our social worker told us that 'Y' had contacted the adoption agency and told them she changed her mind and wanted to place Landon with us. 'Y's social worker told her that we were 'unavailable' and that she could pick another family. If she decided to pick another family, she would need to sign paperwork to terminate her rights immediately and Landon would be placed with a foster family for 10 business days until her rights were officially terminated. She was too much of a risk to do it any other way. 'Y' made it clear that she only wanted to place Landon with us, which made me feel worse about our decision. 'Y' had no idea we had Lucas. 'Y' must have contacted us herself because she needed to hear for herself that we really were 'unavailable'.
Our social worker told us it was our choice whether or not we wanted to respond back to her. We felt it was only fair that we be honest with her. We knew it wasn't easy for her to send that text message to us.
"I really appreciate your apology. It means a lot. We were devastated when you changed your mind. We loved your baby so much and were so excited to be his parents. We couldn't believe that once again another adoption plan had failed. We really believed we were never going to be parents. On Tuesday another birth mom picked us and we brought Lucas home that night. We really wish we could be parents to your baby and Lucas but we don't think it would be fair to them or to Lucas' birth mom. If you really do feel that adoption is best for your baby then I would encourage you to pick another family. I really wish were were able to adopt him. It's really hard to say no, but we have to. We will be praying for you as you figure out what you want to do. We would love to know what you decide. Give that handsome little boy our love!"We haven't heard back from 'Y' and neither has the adoption agency, despite their efforts to reach out to her. For all we know, her keeping Landon might've been the right decision all along. 'Y' keeping Landon caused us a lot of pain but that brought us to Lucas, who has brought us so much joy. All we can do is pray that Landon is receiving the love and care that he deserves.
Until next time...
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
A Beacon of Light
When we arrived home without Landon, I completely fell apart. All I could do was cry. I cried over the loss of another son, cried over the fact that I had absolutely no hope that we would ever receive our forever child, and cried because it just didn't seem fair that we were going through this again. I never felt anger towards 'Y'. I didn't blame her for what she decided. I felt that she needed emotional support and reassurance and that she didn't receive it when she needed it the most. We were mad at her social worker for not providing this to her. We felt that if our social worker could've been her social worker that we would've went home with Landon. Maybe we just needed someone to blame.
We spent the next day (Monday) grieving. For me, this meant looking through all the pictures we took of him at the hospital and blogging about what had happened. We talked about him, laughed at the funny things he did during our short time with him, and cried. Monday evening Ron received a call from our social worker. There was a birth mom in Modesto that had a baby boy on Sunday. She was making an adoption plan for him and would be picking a family first thing the following morning. Our social worker wanted to know if we wanted our profile to be shown to her. She knew we were still grieving, but she also knew that the situation was ideal. When Ron relayed the info to me, I said, "Yes" without even thinking about it. Even though I missed Landon and wanted him back, I knew that the only thing that would really fix our broken hearts would be to have another baby in the house. The short time that we spent with Landon, was the only time my heart didn't ache over the loss of Sawyer. He wiggled his way into our hearts and made everything we had been through up to that point seem like no big deal.
I tried to not be too hopeful that we would be chosen, but it was nice to have something to cling on to. I knew our chances were slim. We didn't pray that we would be chosen, but prayed that God's will would be done and that we would be okay with whatever happened. Tuesday morning came and my stomach was in knots. I was nervous about what this birth mom would decide and I was also sad about Landon. It was a strange mix of feelings. Ron had went to work that day, so I was all alone as I waited for news. 11:30 am came and went and we hadn't heard anything. I had started to believe that she had chose another family. I was upset that every single time our profile had been shown in the past to other birth mothers it had been chosen, so why was it not chosen this time? In the mean time, my mom had called to check up on me and I blurted out how sad I was about Landon and how sad I was about us not being picked by the birth mom in Modesto.
Not even 10 minutes after talking to my mom, our social worker called me. She asked how I was doing and I said, "I was hanging in there." She told me, "You just need to hang in there a little bit longer because you are going to Modesto today. That birth mom picked you guys." I couldn't believe it! Was this really happening? We conference called Ron to tell him the news. He needed to drop everything at work because we needed to be in Modesto as soon as possible. The baby was ready to be discharged from the hospital and he would be discharged to us.
It was so strange to go from being so sad to so happy. The events of the weekend were still in the back of my mind, but maybe this time everything would work out. I joked with Ron that I now had a good idea of what it must feel like to have Bipolor Disorder because over the weekend I was happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, happy, sad, sad, sad, and now extremely happy again. What a roller coaster it had been.
Our first stop was the Modesto Family Connections Christian Adoption Agency. There we signed some paperwork and then waited for the birth mother to arrive because she wanted to meet us and give us a hug. She arrived with the birth father and her dad (birth grandfather), who were both very supportive of her decision. This time around everything felt so different. They were so genuine and seemed so sure of their decision. They kept thanking us for wanting to adopt their baby, when it seemed like Ron and I should be the only ones saying thank you. The birth mom was so strong and only cried once when telling us the details of her her pregnancy and birth story. Ron and I could tell that this time around things would be different, which was strange to feel with everything we have been through. Everything seemed so easy. She had already signed paperwork earlier in the day and chose to not place a hold it (Birth mothers are allowed to place up to a 30 day hold on the paperwork to terminate their rights in case they are unsure of their decision and want the option of changing their minds). It takes up to 10 business days for the State to clear him for adoption and for parental rights to be terminated. So by March 5, 2014 we will be able to breathe a sigh of relief. At that point we would have nothing to worry about and would just have to wait 6 months before we can finalize the adoption.
We anxiously waited for all the loose ends to be tied up before we could finally go meet our son. We assumed he would be a cutie because his birth parents were both very good looking people. All we knew was that he had white hair. When we finally laid eyes on him in the nursery of the hospital, I couldn't help but giggle at his cuteness. He looked like a little viking! His hair was so white it was like a beacon of light and his cheeks were so chubby it looked like he was storing nuts for the winter. No wonder some random employee at the hospital seriously wanted to adopt him, but our agency told them, "No". Our first meeting with him was not at all rushed. We got to feed him, cuddle him, take pictures, and dress him in his coming home outfit. His nurses were so interested in our story and were so happy for all of us that they cried and gave us hugs. On our way out of the hospital several nurses stopped and commented on his bright hair. I wasn't lying when I described it as a beacon of light.
We couldn't wait to get him in the Jeep and drive him home. That definitely made it feel more real. It wasn't until the drive home that we made phone calls and started to spread our good news. No one could hardly believe our news because it was only 2 days before that we had horrific news. My favorite responses were screams and high pitched squeals. We've had 4 sons in 6 months time, but now it all seems worth it. It's like we've been waiting all along for this little boy.
We've named our 7 pound 12 ounce, 21.5 inch little viking 'Lucas Finn'. However, this is not his legal name yet. 'Lucas' means 'light' and this little guy definitely brought some light to our lives during a very dark time. And 'Finn' means 'small blonde soldier'. Need I say more?
Until Next Time...
We spent the next day (Monday) grieving. For me, this meant looking through all the pictures we took of him at the hospital and blogging about what had happened. We talked about him, laughed at the funny things he did during our short time with him, and cried. Monday evening Ron received a call from our social worker. There was a birth mom in Modesto that had a baby boy on Sunday. She was making an adoption plan for him and would be picking a family first thing the following morning. Our social worker wanted to know if we wanted our profile to be shown to her. She knew we were still grieving, but she also knew that the situation was ideal. When Ron relayed the info to me, I said, "Yes" without even thinking about it. Even though I missed Landon and wanted him back, I knew that the only thing that would really fix our broken hearts would be to have another baby in the house. The short time that we spent with Landon, was the only time my heart didn't ache over the loss of Sawyer. He wiggled his way into our hearts and made everything we had been through up to that point seem like no big deal.
I tried to not be too hopeful that we would be chosen, but it was nice to have something to cling on to. I knew our chances were slim. We didn't pray that we would be chosen, but prayed that God's will would be done and that we would be okay with whatever happened. Tuesday morning came and my stomach was in knots. I was nervous about what this birth mom would decide and I was also sad about Landon. It was a strange mix of feelings. Ron had went to work that day, so I was all alone as I waited for news. 11:30 am came and went and we hadn't heard anything. I had started to believe that she had chose another family. I was upset that every single time our profile had been shown in the past to other birth mothers it had been chosen, so why was it not chosen this time? In the mean time, my mom had called to check up on me and I blurted out how sad I was about Landon and how sad I was about us not being picked by the birth mom in Modesto.
Not even 10 minutes after talking to my mom, our social worker called me. She asked how I was doing and I said, "I was hanging in there." She told me, "You just need to hang in there a little bit longer because you are going to Modesto today. That birth mom picked you guys." I couldn't believe it! Was this really happening? We conference called Ron to tell him the news. He needed to drop everything at work because we needed to be in Modesto as soon as possible. The baby was ready to be discharged from the hospital and he would be discharged to us.
It was so strange to go from being so sad to so happy. The events of the weekend were still in the back of my mind, but maybe this time everything would work out. I joked with Ron that I now had a good idea of what it must feel like to have Bipolor Disorder because over the weekend I was happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, happy, sad, sad, sad, and now extremely happy again. What a roller coaster it had been.
Our first stop was the Modesto Family Connections Christian Adoption Agency. There we signed some paperwork and then waited for the birth mother to arrive because she wanted to meet us and give us a hug. She arrived with the birth father and her dad (birth grandfather), who were both very supportive of her decision. This time around everything felt so different. They were so genuine and seemed so sure of their decision. They kept thanking us for wanting to adopt their baby, when it seemed like Ron and I should be the only ones saying thank you. The birth mom was so strong and only cried once when telling us the details of her her pregnancy and birth story. Ron and I could tell that this time around things would be different, which was strange to feel with everything we have been through. Everything seemed so easy. She had already signed paperwork earlier in the day and chose to not place a hold it (Birth mothers are allowed to place up to a 30 day hold on the paperwork to terminate their rights in case they are unsure of their decision and want the option of changing their minds). It takes up to 10 business days for the State to clear him for adoption and for parental rights to be terminated. So by March 5, 2014 we will be able to breathe a sigh of relief. At that point we would have nothing to worry about and would just have to wait 6 months before we can finalize the adoption.
We anxiously waited for all the loose ends to be tied up before we could finally go meet our son. We assumed he would be a cutie because his birth parents were both very good looking people. All we knew was that he had white hair. When we finally laid eyes on him in the nursery of the hospital, I couldn't help but giggle at his cuteness. He looked like a little viking! His hair was so white it was like a beacon of light and his cheeks were so chubby it looked like he was storing nuts for the winter. No wonder some random employee at the hospital seriously wanted to adopt him, but our agency told them, "No". Our first meeting with him was not at all rushed. We got to feed him, cuddle him, take pictures, and dress him in his coming home outfit. His nurses were so interested in our story and were so happy for all of us that they cried and gave us hugs. On our way out of the hospital several nurses stopped and commented on his bright hair. I wasn't lying when I described it as a beacon of light.
We couldn't wait to get him in the Jeep and drive him home. That definitely made it feel more real. It wasn't until the drive home that we made phone calls and started to spread our good news. No one could hardly believe our news because it was only 2 days before that we had horrific news. My favorite responses were screams and high pitched squeals. We've had 4 sons in 6 months time, but now it all seems worth it. It's like we've been waiting all along for this little boy.
We've named our 7 pound 12 ounce, 21.5 inch little viking 'Lucas Finn'. However, this is not his legal name yet. 'Lucas' means 'light' and this little guy definitely brought some light to our lives during a very dark time. And 'Finn' means 'small blonde soldier'. Need I say more?
Until Next Time...
Friday, February 21, 2014
Not Again!
Nervousness doesn't even begin to explain how Ron and I felt when we arrived at the hospital on Valentine's Day. We had no idea how the day was going to play out. Would 'Y' be happy with her choice of picking us as adoptive parents once she met us? Did she even show up to be induced? Was she going to change her birth plan? Would she change her mind about not wanting to see him, hold him, or care for him? Would she still want me in the delivery room when the baby was born? Would I pass out from witnessing the nasty miracle of life (because I don't do so well with blood and other bodily fluids that are meant to stay in the body)? How long would she labor for? Would she actually follow through with relinquishing her baby to us? All of these questions and more were running through my mind as we waited for 'Y's social worker to arrive to make introductions. We were set to meet at 8:00 am. The social worker must have decided that we weren't nervous enough because she didn't arrive until 9:15 am.
We met with 'Y' for about 30 minutes. It could best be described as awkward. We were complete strangers. She was really quiet but answered all of our questions. We were very careful with what we said. We felt like if we said the wrong thing she would change her mind. Ron did a great job of keeping the conversation flowing, but had so much nervous energy that he was dancing around and swaying from side to side. 'Y' had a friend with her that would be staying for her delivery. We were glad she had someone there to support her, but we didn't know if her friend supported her adoption plan. Who knew what her friend would be saying to her when we weren't with 'Y'. Would she be trying to change her mind about the adoption plan? At this point she was 1 cm dilated and wasn't feeling any contractions yet. 'Y' said she wanted to rest before she started progressing and would have her friend come get me when she woke up so we could visit some more. So we left and went to the waiting room thinking we would see her in an hour or two. 'Y's social worker informed us that 'Y' was unsure if she still wanted me in the delivery room. I was a little disappointed, but understood. I probably would want some stranger seeing 'ALL of me' either. I started to feel like maybe she didn't like me, even though the social worker told me that she was just feeling embarrassed. It was scary that she was already making changes to her birth plan. At this point 'Y's social worker left and told us that she would not be back. We were alone and were feeling very uneasy about that. We knew she was only a phone call away, but the unknown was very scary for us. Everything was completely out of our control. All we could do was wait and pray.
Three hours later we were still sitting in the waiting room. We hadn't heard from 'Y'. Was saying that she wanted to take a nap her way of getting us to leave her alone? We weren't about to go knock on her door, so we waited... and waited. At some point one of her nurses came out, saw the looks on our faces, and gave us an update. The nurse said, "She hadn't made any progress and that it was going to be a long day." That wasn't what we wanted to hear, but at least we finally knew something. A little while later we were told that 'Y's friend was going to be leaving and at that point I would be invited back into the room with her. I waited and waited, and her friend never left. At 3:45 pm the nurses seemed to start to feel pretty bad for us. They offered to put us in a postpartum room so we could be more comfortable. They said we would need a room after the baby was born anyway. We gladly accepted the offer. It was such a pick-me-up to change up the scenery and know that eventually we would be sharing this room with our son.
Once we were put in a hospital room, the nurses did a great job of keeping us informed of 'Y's progress. Around 7:30 pm, she was was 3 and a half cm dilated and was going to be getting an epidural. The nurse told us that she would probably be ready to push in 2 hours and that she did want me in the room with her when the time came. Exactly 2 hours later, the nurse was telling me it was time. I left Ron alone and was so happy for the opportunity to see my son be born. We were going to be having a Valentine's Day baby!
I really didn't know what to expect when I entered the delivery room. I made small talk and tried to encourage her. Out of no where 'Y' asked me how long Ron and I had been waiting for a baby to adopt. I figured now was as good of time as any to tell her the quick version our whole story. Through tears, I told her about 'C' and how she was a birth mom just like herself. I told her that I took 'C' to doctors appointments and built a relationship with her and then 'C' had the baby and changed her mind about adoption. Then I really started crying because I was trying to find the words to tell her about Sawyer. I told her about how much we loved Sawyer and how much it hurt when he was taken away from us. I told her that Ron had been such an amazing dad to Sawyer and that she shouldn't have any doubts about his parenting abilities. She had no idea our adoption journey has been so tough and I could tell she felt so bad for Ron and I. Even though it may not seem like it, telling our story brought such a good vibe to the room.
Soon after it was time for her to start pushing. She pushed him out in less than 5 contractions. He made his appearance at 10:02 pm. It was amazing to see him be born and hear his first cries. She didn't want to hold him and now wasn't sure if she wanted to see him. I was honored to be the first person to hold him. I loved him immediately and couldn't believe he was finally here. After I had about 10 minutes with him, 'Y' asked me to go get Ron so that he could see the baby. She decided at that point she did want to see and hold her baby. I was glad that she changed her mind about wanting to hold him, otherwise she would always wonder what it would've been like. I ran down the hall and got Ron. I found him on his knees praying. I was gone all of 2 minutes and 'Y' gladly handed the baby over to Ron. 'Y' asked us what we were going to name the baby and we told her, "Landon Hunter." She said she liked the name and then told us we could take the baby to our room. We thanked her immensely for the amazing gift she was giving us and told her we would check up on her later.
We spent the next 14 hours with Landon and enjoyed every moment of it. During this time we really started to believe that 'Y' was going to follow through with her adoption plan. We were told that she was doing well and was going to be discharged from the hospital that afternoon. We would be staying with Landon at the hospital until Monday morning. 'Y' had us officially name the baby and the birth certificate paperwork was processed. His legal name was Landon Hunter Sequeira. We couldn't believe that he was going to be a Sequeira from day one. At 12:35 pm she decided that she wanted to say good bye to Landon and she wanted to do it alone. We were nervous about their good bye, but knew it was an important part of the process for her to get some closure. We figured we would see Landon again within an hour or so. Landon was gone for over 5 hours. During this time Ron and I just sat and stared at each other, hoping that every noise we heard outside the door was him coming back to us. We let ourselves think that he wasn't coming back and that she was going to keep him. The nurses came in every so often giving us updates about what was going on between 'Y' and Landon. We were so thankful for such great nurses. They were all pro adoption and genuinely cared about us. We made several calls to our social worker in Fresno during that time, who did a great job of reassuring us and helped calm our nerves. We wished that 'Y's social worker would come to the hospital and give her the support she needed, but she didn't. At about 5:45 pm, one of the nurses helped give 'Y' the nudge she needed to finally hand Landon over. The nurse delivered him back to us and I cried tears of joy and relief. The nurse told us that 'Y' didn't want to see us before she left the hospital. We had a gift and letter for 'Y' and asked the nurse to deliver it to her and explain the meaning of the gift. We knew 'Y' was Catholic so we got her a rosary in the color of Landon's birthstone. Ron explained that, "God gave us the greatest gift he could, which was His son. And she was giving us the greatest gift she could, which was her son." The nurse reported back to us that she was very grateful for the gift and a few seconds later 'Y' showed up at our door in tears. We embraced her and thanked her for choosing us. We told her we would be praying for her heart, that we loved her, we grateful for her selflessness, and that we would give Landon the best life possible. I was so scared that she was going to change her mind because I could see what a hard time she was having so I flat out asked her if she was going to change her mind. She said, "No." Then I asked again, "Please don't lie to me, I just need to know if you are going to change your mind?" Once again she said, "No." She told us she needed to go and she left.
It was sad to say good bye, but we were so excited that we would be going home with Landon. It was a good sign that she left the hospital. We thought everything was going to be fine. We believed her when she said she wouldn't change her mind. Around 12:45 pm the following day (Sunday), our social worker called and gave us news that we weren't expecting. She told us that 'Y' had changed her mind and was going to take Landon back. We needed to say our good byes to Landon and leave the hospital. We couldn't believe that this was happening to us again. We couldn't even feel emotion at first. We felt numb. I held him tight and didn't want to let go. Within 30 minutes we had said our good byes and were being escorted out of the hospital by a nurse empty handed.
Ron and I didn't say a single word to each other on the 3 hour drive home. What was there to say? We were crushed. We didn't know why God had let this happen to us again. My faith was shaken and I felt guilty about that. We had lost 3 sons in 6 months. I felt like God didn't want us to have children and I was really upset about that. Why else would this keep happening? It seemed like we were so close, and then it was all taken away in the blink of an eye.
Until next time...
We met with 'Y' for about 30 minutes. It could best be described as awkward. We were complete strangers. She was really quiet but answered all of our questions. We were very careful with what we said. We felt like if we said the wrong thing she would change her mind. Ron did a great job of keeping the conversation flowing, but had so much nervous energy that he was dancing around and swaying from side to side. 'Y' had a friend with her that would be staying for her delivery. We were glad she had someone there to support her, but we didn't know if her friend supported her adoption plan. Who knew what her friend would be saying to her when we weren't with 'Y'. Would she be trying to change her mind about the adoption plan? At this point she was 1 cm dilated and wasn't feeling any contractions yet. 'Y' said she wanted to rest before she started progressing and would have her friend come get me when she woke up so we could visit some more. So we left and went to the waiting room thinking we would see her in an hour or two. 'Y's social worker informed us that 'Y' was unsure if she still wanted me in the delivery room. I was a little disappointed, but understood. I probably would want some stranger seeing 'ALL of me' either. I started to feel like maybe she didn't like me, even though the social worker told me that she was just feeling embarrassed. It was scary that she was already making changes to her birth plan. At this point 'Y's social worker left and told us that she would not be back. We were alone and were feeling very uneasy about that. We knew she was only a phone call away, but the unknown was very scary for us. Everything was completely out of our control. All we could do was wait and pray.
Three hours later we were still sitting in the waiting room. We hadn't heard from 'Y'. Was saying that she wanted to take a nap her way of getting us to leave her alone? We weren't about to go knock on her door, so we waited... and waited. At some point one of her nurses came out, saw the looks on our faces, and gave us an update. The nurse said, "She hadn't made any progress and that it was going to be a long day." That wasn't what we wanted to hear, but at least we finally knew something. A little while later we were told that 'Y's friend was going to be leaving and at that point I would be invited back into the room with her. I waited and waited, and her friend never left. At 3:45 pm the nurses seemed to start to feel pretty bad for us. They offered to put us in a postpartum room so we could be more comfortable. They said we would need a room after the baby was born anyway. We gladly accepted the offer. It was such a pick-me-up to change up the scenery and know that eventually we would be sharing this room with our son.
Once we were put in a hospital room, the nurses did a great job of keeping us informed of 'Y's progress. Around 7:30 pm, she was was 3 and a half cm dilated and was going to be getting an epidural. The nurse told us that she would probably be ready to push in 2 hours and that she did want me in the room with her when the time came. Exactly 2 hours later, the nurse was telling me it was time. I left Ron alone and was so happy for the opportunity to see my son be born. We were going to be having a Valentine's Day baby!
I really didn't know what to expect when I entered the delivery room. I made small talk and tried to encourage her. Out of no where 'Y' asked me how long Ron and I had been waiting for a baby to adopt. I figured now was as good of time as any to tell her the quick version our whole story. Through tears, I told her about 'C' and how she was a birth mom just like herself. I told her that I took 'C' to doctors appointments and built a relationship with her and then 'C' had the baby and changed her mind about adoption. Then I really started crying because I was trying to find the words to tell her about Sawyer. I told her about how much we loved Sawyer and how much it hurt when he was taken away from us. I told her that Ron had been such an amazing dad to Sawyer and that she shouldn't have any doubts about his parenting abilities. She had no idea our adoption journey has been so tough and I could tell she felt so bad for Ron and I. Even though it may not seem like it, telling our story brought such a good vibe to the room.
Soon after it was time for her to start pushing. She pushed him out in less than 5 contractions. He made his appearance at 10:02 pm. It was amazing to see him be born and hear his first cries. She didn't want to hold him and now wasn't sure if she wanted to see him. I was honored to be the first person to hold him. I loved him immediately and couldn't believe he was finally here. After I had about 10 minutes with him, 'Y' asked me to go get Ron so that he could see the baby. She decided at that point she did want to see and hold her baby. I was glad that she changed her mind about wanting to hold him, otherwise she would always wonder what it would've been like. I ran down the hall and got Ron. I found him on his knees praying. I was gone all of 2 minutes and 'Y' gladly handed the baby over to Ron. 'Y' asked us what we were going to name the baby and we told her, "Landon Hunter." She said she liked the name and then told us we could take the baby to our room. We thanked her immensely for the amazing gift she was giving us and told her we would check up on her later.
We spent the next 14 hours with Landon and enjoyed every moment of it. During this time we really started to believe that 'Y' was going to follow through with her adoption plan. We were told that she was doing well and was going to be discharged from the hospital that afternoon. We would be staying with Landon at the hospital until Monday morning. 'Y' had us officially name the baby and the birth certificate paperwork was processed. His legal name was Landon Hunter Sequeira. We couldn't believe that he was going to be a Sequeira from day one. At 12:35 pm she decided that she wanted to say good bye to Landon and she wanted to do it alone. We were nervous about their good bye, but knew it was an important part of the process for her to get some closure. We figured we would see Landon again within an hour or so. Landon was gone for over 5 hours. During this time Ron and I just sat and stared at each other, hoping that every noise we heard outside the door was him coming back to us. We let ourselves think that he wasn't coming back and that she was going to keep him. The nurses came in every so often giving us updates about what was going on between 'Y' and Landon. We were so thankful for such great nurses. They were all pro adoption and genuinely cared about us. We made several calls to our social worker in Fresno during that time, who did a great job of reassuring us and helped calm our nerves. We wished that 'Y's social worker would come to the hospital and give her the support she needed, but she didn't. At about 5:45 pm, one of the nurses helped give 'Y' the nudge she needed to finally hand Landon over. The nurse delivered him back to us and I cried tears of joy and relief. The nurse told us that 'Y' didn't want to see us before she left the hospital. We had a gift and letter for 'Y' and asked the nurse to deliver it to her and explain the meaning of the gift. We knew 'Y' was Catholic so we got her a rosary in the color of Landon's birthstone. Ron explained that, "God gave us the greatest gift he could, which was His son. And she was giving us the greatest gift she could, which was her son." The nurse reported back to us that she was very grateful for the gift and a few seconds later 'Y' showed up at our door in tears. We embraced her and thanked her for choosing us. We told her we would be praying for her heart, that we loved her, we grateful for her selflessness, and that we would give Landon the best life possible. I was so scared that she was going to change her mind because I could see what a hard time she was having so I flat out asked her if she was going to change her mind. She said, "No." Then I asked again, "Please don't lie to me, I just need to know if you are going to change your mind?" Once again she said, "No." She told us she needed to go and she left.
It was sad to say good bye, but we were so excited that we would be going home with Landon. It was a good sign that she left the hospital. We thought everything was going to be fine. We believed her when she said she wouldn't change her mind. Around 12:45 pm the following day (Sunday), our social worker called and gave us news that we weren't expecting. She told us that 'Y' had changed her mind and was going to take Landon back. We needed to say our good byes to Landon and leave the hospital. We couldn't believe that this was happening to us again. We couldn't even feel emotion at first. We felt numb. I held him tight and didn't want to let go. Within 30 minutes we had said our good byes and were being escorted out of the hospital by a nurse empty handed.
Ron and I didn't say a single word to each other on the 3 hour drive home. What was there to say? We were crushed. We didn't know why God had let this happen to us again. My faith was shaken and I felt guilty about that. We had lost 3 sons in 6 months. I felt like God didn't want us to have children and I was really upset about that. Why else would this keep happening? It seemed like we were so close, and then it was all taken away in the blink of an eye.
Until next time...
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Here We Go Again
I really thought the next time I would write a blog entry, I would have good news to share. Unfortunately, this next chapter of our adoption journey doesn't have a fairy tale ending and I'm beginning to fear that this horrible streak of bad luck will never turn around. But before I get too ahead of myself I will rewind back to where I left off last time.
Within a week of Sawyer being taken from us, our adoption agency had two potential birth mothers that would be picking adoptive families soon and wanted to know if we wanted to be in the running to be picked. The first birth mom, "J", was 19 years old, immature, had no other children, claimed to have no desire to parent her baby, was practically homeless, and the birth father was in jail. The second birth mom, "Y", was 37 years old, had 4 other children, didn't feel like she could support her baby financially, and the birth father was not in the picture and never would be. Ron and I had a difficult time picking which birth mother we should pursue because we were still grieving the loss of Sawyer and only wanted him back. We decided that we wanted to be considered by 'J' when she was ready to pick an adoptive family. 'Y's story seemed too similar to 'C's story (the birth mom in our first failed adoption in August 2013). We knew we were unfairly judging 'Y', but we couldn't help it. We felt that if 'Y' already had four kids, what's one more? In the beginning of January we found out that we had been picked by 'J'. She was due January 31 and was having a boy. I wasn't happy. In fact, I cried for hours and hours. When I had got the call that afternoon and was told by the adoption agency they had good news, I had let myself think that Sawyer was coming back. So naturally I was crushed when that wasn't the 'good news' they had for us. We had prayed and prayed that God make his 'Yes' and 'No' very clear to us so that we would know if we were making the decisions He wanted us to make. A few days later the agency informed us that they had 'unmatched' us from 'J' because they found out that she had been lying about her current relationship with the birth father and was already wavering on her adoption plan. They told 'J' that if she still wanted to make an adoption plan after the baby was born to contact the agency. I was so relieved and happy when we found out that we had been unmatched. God's 'No' couldn't have been more clear.
A couple days after we were unmatched from J, I got an email from our social worker that started with the words, "Please don't shoot me. I know you already passed on this birth mom but it just so happens that she decided not to pick a family until after the holidays... If you still don't feel good about it then delete this email and forget I brought it up again." Because we are so cautious now I asked an annoying amount of questions and tried to get as much info on this birth mom as we could. We prayed and prayed and didn't feel like we were getting a clear yes or no. So we did what any mature adults would do... We flipped a coin. The coin said, "Go for it!" With more prayer we decided that we should go for it. After all, it didn't mean that she was going to pick us anyway. We had faith that if God didn't think this was the right birth mom that He wouldn't let her pick us. It's not every day you get a redo on a decision you already made. Once we realized that 'Y' and 'C' are not the same person, we started to feel better about her. Just because 'C' broke our hearts didn't mean that 'Y' would break our hearts as well. On the day 'Y' was supposed to pick an adoptive family, she narrowed her decision down to us and one other family. She said she needed some time to think it over. We were told that most birth moms look at a few pictures, don't read the 'Dear Birth Mom' letter, and choose a family in under 5 minutes. We were glad she wasn't making a hasty decision. Relinquishing her baby would be the most difficult thing she would ever do and we wanted her to be 100% sure of her decision. A week went by and we hadn't heard anything. We assumed she picked the other family and we were okay with that because that would be God's way of telling us 'no'. We were very surprised when we got the call the next day that she had picked us. A moment that should be a joyous one, was not. We felt indifferent. All our previous experiences had hardened us. Why be excited about a baby that she will probably decide to keep? If we didn't get excited about this baby, then it wouldn't hurt as bad if we don't get to keep him. It was our way of guarding our hearts.
A couple of days later on 1/24/14 a conference call was setup between 'Y' and her social worker & Ron, myself, and our social worker. The social workers felt it was important that she hear our voices, ask us questions, and hear that we are real and more than just two people in a picture. The phone meeting went very well. She had great questions to ask us. One of the questions she asked was, "Could we love a baby that might not look like us?" It took every thing in me not to tell her about Sawyer and how much we loved him. I knew the time wasn't appropriate, but I knew that if she heard our story that she wouldn't have any doubt in her mind that we would love her child more than anything. She also asked, "How would we handle telling him that he is adopted?" We told her, "He would always know that he was adopted. It wouldn't be some huge secret. He would know about his birth mom and how much she loved him. We told her he would always know how grateful we were that she chose us to be his adoptive parents." As we were wrapping up our conversation, I was blind sided when she asked me if I would be in the room with her when she delivered her baby. I told her, "I would love to be there when he was born, as long as she was comfortable with it." Her due date was 2/21/14 and would be delivering in Davis, CA. We felt a lot better about the whole situation after we spoke with her. We were still very guarded, but let ourselves feel a glimmer of hope. Adoption works out for adoptive families all time time, maybe this time we would get our forever child. Maybe our streak of horribly bad luck would be over.
Ron and I decided that this time around we weren't going to tell anyone, not even our families, that we had been matched with a birth mother again. We didn't want to get anyones hopes up. Plus, we thought it would be easier to not have a bunch of explaining to do when it didn't work out again. We didn't want to be so negative about the situation, but can you blame us? When we found out that she was going to be induced on 2/14/14, we realized we were going to need a dog-sitter for our spoiled dogs. Ron's parents always watch the dogs for us when we go out of town. So two days before inducement we told our parents. They were more excited than I thought they would be. They definitely weren't guarded like we were. We asked them not to tell anyone.
It felt like Valentine's Day would never come, but it did. We left the house at 4am, arrived at the hospital by 7am, and put on our brave faces. We were going to meet 'Y' for the first time and hopefully we would meet our forever child a few hours later. Little did we know what a stressful, emotional and exhausting day it would turn out to be.
Until next time...
Within a week of Sawyer being taken from us, our adoption agency had two potential birth mothers that would be picking adoptive families soon and wanted to know if we wanted to be in the running to be picked. The first birth mom, "J", was 19 years old, immature, had no other children, claimed to have no desire to parent her baby, was practically homeless, and the birth father was in jail. The second birth mom, "Y", was 37 years old, had 4 other children, didn't feel like she could support her baby financially, and the birth father was not in the picture and never would be. Ron and I had a difficult time picking which birth mother we should pursue because we were still grieving the loss of Sawyer and only wanted him back. We decided that we wanted to be considered by 'J' when she was ready to pick an adoptive family. 'Y's story seemed too similar to 'C's story (the birth mom in our first failed adoption in August 2013). We knew we were unfairly judging 'Y', but we couldn't help it. We felt that if 'Y' already had four kids, what's one more? In the beginning of January we found out that we had been picked by 'J'. She was due January 31 and was having a boy. I wasn't happy. In fact, I cried for hours and hours. When I had got the call that afternoon and was told by the adoption agency they had good news, I had let myself think that Sawyer was coming back. So naturally I was crushed when that wasn't the 'good news' they had for us. We had prayed and prayed that God make his 'Yes' and 'No' very clear to us so that we would know if we were making the decisions He wanted us to make. A few days later the agency informed us that they had 'unmatched' us from 'J' because they found out that she had been lying about her current relationship with the birth father and was already wavering on her adoption plan. They told 'J' that if she still wanted to make an adoption plan after the baby was born to contact the agency. I was so relieved and happy when we found out that we had been unmatched. God's 'No' couldn't have been more clear.
A couple days after we were unmatched from J, I got an email from our social worker that started with the words, "Please don't shoot me. I know you already passed on this birth mom but it just so happens that she decided not to pick a family until after the holidays... If you still don't feel good about it then delete this email and forget I brought it up again." Because we are so cautious now I asked an annoying amount of questions and tried to get as much info on this birth mom as we could. We prayed and prayed and didn't feel like we were getting a clear yes or no. So we did what any mature adults would do... We flipped a coin. The coin said, "Go for it!" With more prayer we decided that we should go for it. After all, it didn't mean that she was going to pick us anyway. We had faith that if God didn't think this was the right birth mom that He wouldn't let her pick us. It's not every day you get a redo on a decision you already made. Once we realized that 'Y' and 'C' are not the same person, we started to feel better about her. Just because 'C' broke our hearts didn't mean that 'Y' would break our hearts as well. On the day 'Y' was supposed to pick an adoptive family, she narrowed her decision down to us and one other family. She said she needed some time to think it over. We were told that most birth moms look at a few pictures, don't read the 'Dear Birth Mom' letter, and choose a family in under 5 minutes. We were glad she wasn't making a hasty decision. Relinquishing her baby would be the most difficult thing she would ever do and we wanted her to be 100% sure of her decision. A week went by and we hadn't heard anything. We assumed she picked the other family and we were okay with that because that would be God's way of telling us 'no'. We were very surprised when we got the call the next day that she had picked us. A moment that should be a joyous one, was not. We felt indifferent. All our previous experiences had hardened us. Why be excited about a baby that she will probably decide to keep? If we didn't get excited about this baby, then it wouldn't hurt as bad if we don't get to keep him. It was our way of guarding our hearts.
A couple of days later on 1/24/14 a conference call was setup between 'Y' and her social worker & Ron, myself, and our social worker. The social workers felt it was important that she hear our voices, ask us questions, and hear that we are real and more than just two people in a picture. The phone meeting went very well. She had great questions to ask us. One of the questions she asked was, "Could we love a baby that might not look like us?" It took every thing in me not to tell her about Sawyer and how much we loved him. I knew the time wasn't appropriate, but I knew that if she heard our story that she wouldn't have any doubt in her mind that we would love her child more than anything. She also asked, "How would we handle telling him that he is adopted?" We told her, "He would always know that he was adopted. It wouldn't be some huge secret. He would know about his birth mom and how much she loved him. We told her he would always know how grateful we were that she chose us to be his adoptive parents." As we were wrapping up our conversation, I was blind sided when she asked me if I would be in the room with her when she delivered her baby. I told her, "I would love to be there when he was born, as long as she was comfortable with it." Her due date was 2/21/14 and would be delivering in Davis, CA. We felt a lot better about the whole situation after we spoke with her. We were still very guarded, but let ourselves feel a glimmer of hope. Adoption works out for adoptive families all time time, maybe this time we would get our forever child. Maybe our streak of horribly bad luck would be over.
Ron and I decided that this time around we weren't going to tell anyone, not even our families, that we had been matched with a birth mother again. We didn't want to get anyones hopes up. Plus, we thought it would be easier to not have a bunch of explaining to do when it didn't work out again. We didn't want to be so negative about the situation, but can you blame us? When we found out that she was going to be induced on 2/14/14, we realized we were going to need a dog-sitter for our spoiled dogs. Ron's parents always watch the dogs for us when we go out of town. So two days before inducement we told our parents. They were more excited than I thought they would be. They definitely weren't guarded like we were. We asked them not to tell anyone.
It felt like Valentine's Day would never come, but it did. We left the house at 4am, arrived at the hospital by 7am, and put on our brave faces. We were going to meet 'Y' for the first time and hopefully we would meet our forever child a few hours later. Little did we know what a stressful, emotional and exhausting day it would turn out to be.
Until next time...
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Now What?
Life after losing Sawyer has been difficult. Nothing could've prepared us for what this would feel like. Ron and I have been a whirlwind of intense emotions and have never cried so much. The one emotion we both were unprepared for was just a feeling of emptiness or nothingness. I had no idea how we would manage to get through those first few days without him, but we did.
It seemed like an accomplishment to do activities of daily living like getting out of bed, showering, and eating 3 meals a day. Without Ron putting food in front of me and telling me to eat, I probably wouldn't have eaten for days. I didn't see the point. Food wasn't going to make my heart hurt any less. We've both now reached the point in our grieving where food is our friend...
It was a strange feeling to one moment have your whole life revolve around the needs of an adorable helpless little baby and then one moment have nobody to take care of other than my husband. I miss everything about being a mom. I miss not sleeping, changing diapers, cleaning bottles, doing his laundry, and calming him when he's screaming in my ear. I miss all the things that other moms love to moan and complain about. I miss seeing Ron with Sawyer and seeing how great of a dad he was to him. I miss how complete our family felt when we had Sawyer. Ron and I have each other, but it still feels lonely.
I spent a lot of time in Sawyer's room the first week that he was gone. I like to sit in the rocking chair and just look around his room and cry over the loss of him. I like to look at all the things we bought for him and touch all his clothes. It's hard for me to imagine his room belonging to another child, not only because it's hard to picture the adoption of a child actually working out for us, but because I feel that everything in that nursery belongs to Sawyer. I don't want a different baby to put in the nursery, I want Sawyer back in the nursery. I have a pile of clean laundry in his crib that I just can't bear to fold and put away. I want to because I love folding his tiny cute clothes, but once I do it, I don't get to do it again. After everything that happened with C in August, we closed the nursery room door and kept it closed until Sawyer came home with us. This time around the door is open. I have no desire to shut it. I look inside every time I walk by. It's a reminder of the happiness we had and also of the sadness we now feel.
There are reminders of Sawyer all over our home. We've displayed pictures of him and we still haven't taken the swing out of the living room or one of his many pacifiers off of the coffee table. It would be like officially saying goodbye to Sawyer and that we are 100% certain that he's not coming back. We aren't ready to do that yet, as pathetic as that may sound. It's definitely less pathetic than me wearing the same dirty jeans for 3 days in a row after he was taken that he peed all over on his last day with us. I know that it was gross but I didn't care. It was a memory of him and it was strangely comforting. Ron and my Dad constructed a star in lights that is hung in one of our redwood trees in memory of our time with Sawyer. This was extremely important to Ron because he picked a random star in the sky for me back when we were dating and we always look for it in the sky. Ron didn't have a chance to pick a star for Sawyer while he was with us, so he constructed his own. Ron goes outside every night and looks at Sawyer's star and prays for him. It's sweet but breaks my heart when he comes back inside and I can tell he has been crying.
Five days after Sawyer was taken I received a call from Department of Social Services. They were calling to schedule visitation with his birth mom. It took everything in me to not yell at the person on the other end of the line even though I knew that person wasn't responsible for this mess. I couldn't believe that Social Services was so disorganized that 5 days after he was taken they still hadn't updated their records to show where Sawyer's new home was. His birth mom had not called to schedule visitation in 3 weeks. So part of me was thrilled that his new family would have to deal with the inconvenience of driving from Sacramento to Fresno 2 times per week for a 1 hour visit for the foreseeable future (at least 6 months) with their 3 biological children (the oldest child is 5 years old) and his half sister. The other part of me felt bad that Sawyer would be stuck in a car seat for long periods of time.
Going back to work has been difficult for both of us. The "How is your baby?" or "How do you like being a mom/dad?" questions seem to be never ending. These questions are hard to answer because we don't want to be rude but don't want to get into the details either. Most of the time our answers are filled with tears, which is embarrassing. We are both getting better at putting on a happy face and pretending to be fine. Fake it until you make it, right?
The one positive aspect to this horrible situation we have went through is that I've learned a lot about grieving. I've learned from others what should be said in trying times and what shouldn't be said. I have never known what to say other than "I'm sorry" and always felt like that was lame. Now from my own experience I can say that I would rather people only say "I'm sorry" and then stop talking. It's okay to not know what to say. Sometimes a hug can say it all. We are not looking for advice, especially when the people trying to offer advice have a perfect little family and have no idea what we are going through. I can't figure out why there is this stigma that people who are grieving want to be left alone. We didn't need space. We wanted to feel loved and to be distracted from our pain. We started to get the impression that people were afraid of us. Why else would there be this eerie silence? The only phone calls I've received or visitors we've received in the past 17 days are from my parents. I know that the world doesn't revolve around us but it felt like our lives were at a standstill and everyone else went on with their happy lives. Please note that I'm not looking for apologies or trying to make anyone feel bad. I'm merely expressing how I have felt. Thank you to those of you that sent flowers, cards, or text messages of encouragement. It means more than you know.
The burning question only few have been ballsy enough to ask is, "What are we going to do now?" We are going to continue our search for our 'forever child'. As much as I don't want to put any other child back in the nursery other than Sawyer, I can't be naive. Putting another child in there feels like I am replacing him even though I know he can never be replaced. Although, we are pretty sure that the only thing that is going to make us feel better is to have a baby in the house again. And if we are blessed with a girl next time, she might have to dress like a boy because we have so many boy clothes. The day after Sawyer was taken Department of Social Services was already trying to place other children with us. Really? They steal him from us because of their own mistake and then 'try to make it better' by seeing if we want a 3 month old. Then a few days later they had a 3 year old, then a 2 year old, then a 6 month old. The worst was a newborn whose birth mom died during childbirth, but there was an uncle coming from out of state hoping to be eligible for placement. The birthfather ended up showing up a few days later and taking the baby. Our social worker yelled at them for this last 'possibility'. I think it's safe to say that Social Services knows they screwed up. None of these possibilities felt right. Maybe because it's too soon or maybe because these children aren't meant to have us as parents. We aren't trying to be picky, but we want a newborn. One month or younger to be exact. I think with everything we haven been through we are allowed to be somewhat picky. Only time will tell if the next child we bring into our home will be another foster child or from a birth mom that has specifically chosen us. We've seen first hand that either way it is risky. Both ways have failed us. In the mean time we will continue to let our hearts heal, try to live life as normally as possible, and pray for a miracle.
Until next time...
It seemed like an accomplishment to do activities of daily living like getting out of bed, showering, and eating 3 meals a day. Without Ron putting food in front of me and telling me to eat, I probably wouldn't have eaten for days. I didn't see the point. Food wasn't going to make my heart hurt any less. We've both now reached the point in our grieving where food is our friend...
It was a strange feeling to one moment have your whole life revolve around the needs of an adorable helpless little baby and then one moment have nobody to take care of other than my husband. I miss everything about being a mom. I miss not sleeping, changing diapers, cleaning bottles, doing his laundry, and calming him when he's screaming in my ear. I miss all the things that other moms love to moan and complain about. I miss seeing Ron with Sawyer and seeing how great of a dad he was to him. I miss how complete our family felt when we had Sawyer. Ron and I have each other, but it still feels lonely.
I spent a lot of time in Sawyer's room the first week that he was gone. I like to sit in the rocking chair and just look around his room and cry over the loss of him. I like to look at all the things we bought for him and touch all his clothes. It's hard for me to imagine his room belonging to another child, not only because it's hard to picture the adoption of a child actually working out for us, but because I feel that everything in that nursery belongs to Sawyer. I don't want a different baby to put in the nursery, I want Sawyer back in the nursery. I have a pile of clean laundry in his crib that I just can't bear to fold and put away. I want to because I love folding his tiny cute clothes, but once I do it, I don't get to do it again. After everything that happened with C in August, we closed the nursery room door and kept it closed until Sawyer came home with us. This time around the door is open. I have no desire to shut it. I look inside every time I walk by. It's a reminder of the happiness we had and also of the sadness we now feel.
There are reminders of Sawyer all over our home. We've displayed pictures of him and we still haven't taken the swing out of the living room or one of his many pacifiers off of the coffee table. It would be like officially saying goodbye to Sawyer and that we are 100% certain that he's not coming back. We aren't ready to do that yet, as pathetic as that may sound. It's definitely less pathetic than me wearing the same dirty jeans for 3 days in a row after he was taken that he peed all over on his last day with us. I know that it was gross but I didn't care. It was a memory of him and it was strangely comforting. Ron and my Dad constructed a star in lights that is hung in one of our redwood trees in memory of our time with Sawyer. This was extremely important to Ron because he picked a random star in the sky for me back when we were dating and we always look for it in the sky. Ron didn't have a chance to pick a star for Sawyer while he was with us, so he constructed his own. Ron goes outside every night and looks at Sawyer's star and prays for him. It's sweet but breaks my heart when he comes back inside and I can tell he has been crying.
Five days after Sawyer was taken I received a call from Department of Social Services. They were calling to schedule visitation with his birth mom. It took everything in me to not yell at the person on the other end of the line even though I knew that person wasn't responsible for this mess. I couldn't believe that Social Services was so disorganized that 5 days after he was taken they still hadn't updated their records to show where Sawyer's new home was. His birth mom had not called to schedule visitation in 3 weeks. So part of me was thrilled that his new family would have to deal with the inconvenience of driving from Sacramento to Fresno 2 times per week for a 1 hour visit for the foreseeable future (at least 6 months) with their 3 biological children (the oldest child is 5 years old) and his half sister. The other part of me felt bad that Sawyer would be stuck in a car seat for long periods of time.
Going back to work has been difficult for both of us. The "How is your baby?" or "How do you like being a mom/dad?" questions seem to be never ending. These questions are hard to answer because we don't want to be rude but don't want to get into the details either. Most of the time our answers are filled with tears, which is embarrassing. We are both getting better at putting on a happy face and pretending to be fine. Fake it until you make it, right?
The one positive aspect to this horrible situation we have went through is that I've learned a lot about grieving. I've learned from others what should be said in trying times and what shouldn't be said. I have never known what to say other than "I'm sorry" and always felt like that was lame. Now from my own experience I can say that I would rather people only say "I'm sorry" and then stop talking. It's okay to not know what to say. Sometimes a hug can say it all. We are not looking for advice, especially when the people trying to offer advice have a perfect little family and have no idea what we are going through. I can't figure out why there is this stigma that people who are grieving want to be left alone. We didn't need space. We wanted to feel loved and to be distracted from our pain. We started to get the impression that people were afraid of us. Why else would there be this eerie silence? The only phone calls I've received or visitors we've received in the past 17 days are from my parents. I know that the world doesn't revolve around us but it felt like our lives were at a standstill and everyone else went on with their happy lives. Please note that I'm not looking for apologies or trying to make anyone feel bad. I'm merely expressing how I have felt. Thank you to those of you that sent flowers, cards, or text messages of encouragement. It means more than you know.
The burning question only few have been ballsy enough to ask is, "What are we going to do now?" We are going to continue our search for our 'forever child'. As much as I don't want to put any other child back in the nursery other than Sawyer, I can't be naive. Putting another child in there feels like I am replacing him even though I know he can never be replaced. Although, we are pretty sure that the only thing that is going to make us feel better is to have a baby in the house again. And if we are blessed with a girl next time, she might have to dress like a boy because we have so many boy clothes. The day after Sawyer was taken Department of Social Services was already trying to place other children with us. Really? They steal him from us because of their own mistake and then 'try to make it better' by seeing if we want a 3 month old. Then a few days later they had a 3 year old, then a 2 year old, then a 6 month old. The worst was a newborn whose birth mom died during childbirth, but there was an uncle coming from out of state hoping to be eligible for placement. The birthfather ended up showing up a few days later and taking the baby. Our social worker yelled at them for this last 'possibility'. I think it's safe to say that Social Services knows they screwed up. None of these possibilities felt right. Maybe because it's too soon or maybe because these children aren't meant to have us as parents. We aren't trying to be picky, but we want a newborn. One month or younger to be exact. I think with everything we haven been through we are allowed to be somewhat picky. Only time will tell if the next child we bring into our home will be another foster child or from a birth mom that has specifically chosen us. We've seen first hand that either way it is risky. Both ways have failed us. In the mean time we will continue to let our hearts heal, try to live life as normally as possible, and pray for a miracle.
Until next time...
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
31 Days With Sawyer
The past 6 weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions. It has been the happiest time of my life and also the saddest. We knew it would be risky to take placement of a child in the foster care system, but the reason Sawyer was taken away was not a risk that we were informed of. The Department of Social Services screwed up big time (and they know it) and our hearts have paid the price for their mistake.
The time we got to spend being parents to Sawyer was wonderful. He stole our hearts faster than we imagined. It's the fact that he was a foster child that made some of the time we had him not so fun. For example, it was court mandated that his birth mom have visits with him 2 times per week for an hour each visit. You have no idea how hard it was to take MY baby downtown to Child Protective Services and hand him off to his birth mom. Yes, the visits were supervised but this doesn't make it any easier. Ron and I would just take turns crying in the waiting room for an hour and wonder what is going on. And occasionally make unnecessary trips to the bathroom to spy on them. Then the birth mom would come out holding MY baby and give him kisses goodbye. The birth mom would make comments like, "Thanks for taking care of MY baby." All the while I just wanted to scream, "He's not yours. He's mine! You lost the privilege of being his mom." Sawyer would come home smelling like her perfume. I would change his clothes and give him baths and he would still smell like her. The smell of her perfume would literally make me sick to my stomach. He would have spit up all over his clothes and be in dire need of a diaper change. Seriously, all she had to do to keep his clothes clean was follow my instructions of 'feed upright, burp every ounce, and keep upright for 20 minutes after.' It's not that hard. As Ron would say, "Don't mess with Mama Bear..." And yes I know that it was just as hard for the birth mom to see Ron and I with Sawyer but she has had so many chances to prove herself as a good mother and has failed each and every time.
We had Sawyer home for 2 weeks before things started to unravel. First, we found out that Sawyer has an 11 month old half sister that was unaccounted for and lives in Sacramento County. She was in the process of being adopted by the foster family she had been living with. At first we were told that this was good news that she was being adopted and that it would help our case in court. The next day we were informed that this family from Sacramento County found out about Sawyer and want to take placement of him, which is a fancy way of saying 'steal him from us'. When they took placement of his half sister they signed a contract that stated that they would have first dibs on any subsequent children for this particular birth mom. Plus, there is a new law that states that foster families have rights to take placement of siblings, whether whole or half siblings. We were told that the Department of Social Services (DSS) was on our side and that they wanted us to keep Sawyer. They said that there were reasons why this family in Sacramento shouldn't take placement of Sawyer. We were super nervous and scared, but had a little hope based upon this information. DSS tried to blame their mistake of placing Sawyer with us on the fact that they were rushed to find a home him. Two weeks passed by and we heard nothing from DSS. Our adoption agency tried to make contact with them and they never responded. Deep down I knew something bad was brewing and I was right. On Monday December 9 we got a call that said that family from Sacramento was meeting with DSS right now about Sawyer. We were told that the family would be making their decision by noon the following day. That family was told about us. They knew that we are unable to conceive on our own, that we had a failed adoption over the summer, and that we love Sawyer as our own child. That family said they had a foster child for 6 months before and had it taken away so that they 'know what we are going through'. In my opinion, the hurt they felt from having a foster child taken away isn't the same amount of hurt we would feel because they have biological children of their own. They have no idea what it feels like to have their first born child taken away and that's what Sawyer is to us. He's our first child, our first born. On Tuesday December 10 we were informed that the family from Sacramento would be taking Sawyer away from us. They heard our story and they didn't care. We were told we had until Friday with Sawyer. However, the next day we were told that somebody from DSS would be picking him up in 4 hours. Not only were they taking away my son, but they were robbing me of precious time with him. We were devastated.
I hate this family from Sacramento. I really do. They have got to be the worst people in the entire world to do this to Ron and I. A genetic link to his half sister doesn't mean anything. Family is what you make it. Family is love. And nobody will ever love Sawyer more than Ron and I do. EVER. As far as we are concerned Sawyer will always be our first child and we will never forget him. He will always hold a special place in our hearts. Just because I didn't carry him for 9 months doesn't mean that this hurts any less. It feels like he has died because we will never see him again or get updates on how he is doing. We just have to trust that this family is giving him the care he needs and deserves, which is hard to do knowing that they are a busy family. I doubt that they are sleeping on the floor of the nursery because he hates the bassinet and aren't ready for him to be alone at night yet. I doubt they know that he is soothed by music. Or that he can also be soothed by being swaddled, given a pacifier, being held sideways, standing and rocking, and sushing in his ear loudly all at the same time (if any 1 of the 5 components are left out, it won't work). Or that he loves being worn in the Moby Wrap and will take the best naps in there when he is cuddled up next to me.
Saying good bye to Sawyer was horrible. He knew something was wrong. He was so good on our last day. In my last moments with him, he was just gazing into my eyes and maintaining eye contact for longer than he ever had. When he got put into a car seat that wasn't his, he cried and cried. It's like he knew it wasn't his. Two social workers from DSS walked him out to their car and Ron and I watched from our front door. We could hear him cry. Then we watched them drive away with our son.
I wonder if he misses us. I wonder if he has forgotten Ron and I already. I'm sure nobody will ever tell him about us. He was only with us for 31 days but the time we spent with him was so special. Ron and I will never forget it. We want him to be happy, but we want him to seem miserable so that his new family will get fed up with him and give him back to us. Our last words to Sawyer were, "Give 'em Hell. Be a bad boy so you can come back to us. We love you." I know they aren't going to give him back to us, but some days it's easier if I just pretend that they are going to get sick of his antics and give him back. He was a very needy, high maintenance baby but I didn't mind. I hope this bothers his new family.
We wanted to be Sawyer's forever family. We will never know why we couldn't be and we don't want to speculate why. I'm not one to pat myself on the back but I must say that Ron and I were awesome parents. I never doubted the fact that we would be great, but it's one thing to wonder versus actually living it. Sure it took Ron over a week to finally change a diaper on his own, but he did it and never turned back. He was always making up silly songs and singing to Sawyer. The silly songs stopped when we discovered the soothing powers of "The Fox", by Ylvis. Ron was always willing to give me a break in the middle of the night from taking care of Sawyer, even though I said I could do it on my own. I told Ron from day one that I was 'Super Mom'. I only took 2 very short naps in the time we had Sawyer. I did just fine with minimal sleep and I never complained about it. I kept a clean house and even managed to cook dinners when Ron went back to work. I was meant to be a Mom and Ron was meant to be a Dad. We just don't know why our journey to becoming forever parents is such a tough one.
Until next time...
The time we got to spend being parents to Sawyer was wonderful. He stole our hearts faster than we imagined. It's the fact that he was a foster child that made some of the time we had him not so fun. For example, it was court mandated that his birth mom have visits with him 2 times per week for an hour each visit. You have no idea how hard it was to take MY baby downtown to Child Protective Services and hand him off to his birth mom. Yes, the visits were supervised but this doesn't make it any easier. Ron and I would just take turns crying in the waiting room for an hour and wonder what is going on. And occasionally make unnecessary trips to the bathroom to spy on them. Then the birth mom would come out holding MY baby and give him kisses goodbye. The birth mom would make comments like, "Thanks for taking care of MY baby." All the while I just wanted to scream, "He's not yours. He's mine! You lost the privilege of being his mom." Sawyer would come home smelling like her perfume. I would change his clothes and give him baths and he would still smell like her. The smell of her perfume would literally make me sick to my stomach. He would have spit up all over his clothes and be in dire need of a diaper change. Seriously, all she had to do to keep his clothes clean was follow my instructions of 'feed upright, burp every ounce, and keep upright for 20 minutes after.' It's not that hard. As Ron would say, "Don't mess with Mama Bear..." And yes I know that it was just as hard for the birth mom to see Ron and I with Sawyer but she has had so many chances to prove herself as a good mother and has failed each and every time.
We had Sawyer home for 2 weeks before things started to unravel. First, we found out that Sawyer has an 11 month old half sister that was unaccounted for and lives in Sacramento County. She was in the process of being adopted by the foster family she had been living with. At first we were told that this was good news that she was being adopted and that it would help our case in court. The next day we were informed that this family from Sacramento County found out about Sawyer and want to take placement of him, which is a fancy way of saying 'steal him from us'. When they took placement of his half sister they signed a contract that stated that they would have first dibs on any subsequent children for this particular birth mom. Plus, there is a new law that states that foster families have rights to take placement of siblings, whether whole or half siblings. We were told that the Department of Social Services (DSS) was on our side and that they wanted us to keep Sawyer. They said that there were reasons why this family in Sacramento shouldn't take placement of Sawyer. We were super nervous and scared, but had a little hope based upon this information. DSS tried to blame their mistake of placing Sawyer with us on the fact that they were rushed to find a home him. Two weeks passed by and we heard nothing from DSS. Our adoption agency tried to make contact with them and they never responded. Deep down I knew something bad was brewing and I was right. On Monday December 9 we got a call that said that family from Sacramento was meeting with DSS right now about Sawyer. We were told that the family would be making their decision by noon the following day. That family was told about us. They knew that we are unable to conceive on our own, that we had a failed adoption over the summer, and that we love Sawyer as our own child. That family said they had a foster child for 6 months before and had it taken away so that they 'know what we are going through'. In my opinion, the hurt they felt from having a foster child taken away isn't the same amount of hurt we would feel because they have biological children of their own. They have no idea what it feels like to have their first born child taken away and that's what Sawyer is to us. He's our first child, our first born. On Tuesday December 10 we were informed that the family from Sacramento would be taking Sawyer away from us. They heard our story and they didn't care. We were told we had until Friday with Sawyer. However, the next day we were told that somebody from DSS would be picking him up in 4 hours. Not only were they taking away my son, but they were robbing me of precious time with him. We were devastated.
I hate this family from Sacramento. I really do. They have got to be the worst people in the entire world to do this to Ron and I. A genetic link to his half sister doesn't mean anything. Family is what you make it. Family is love. And nobody will ever love Sawyer more than Ron and I do. EVER. As far as we are concerned Sawyer will always be our first child and we will never forget him. He will always hold a special place in our hearts. Just because I didn't carry him for 9 months doesn't mean that this hurts any less. It feels like he has died because we will never see him again or get updates on how he is doing. We just have to trust that this family is giving him the care he needs and deserves, which is hard to do knowing that they are a busy family. I doubt that they are sleeping on the floor of the nursery because he hates the bassinet and aren't ready for him to be alone at night yet. I doubt they know that he is soothed by music. Or that he can also be soothed by being swaddled, given a pacifier, being held sideways, standing and rocking, and sushing in his ear loudly all at the same time (if any 1 of the 5 components are left out, it won't work). Or that he loves being worn in the Moby Wrap and will take the best naps in there when he is cuddled up next to me.
Saying good bye to Sawyer was horrible. He knew something was wrong. He was so good on our last day. In my last moments with him, he was just gazing into my eyes and maintaining eye contact for longer than he ever had. When he got put into a car seat that wasn't his, he cried and cried. It's like he knew it wasn't his. Two social workers from DSS walked him out to their car and Ron and I watched from our front door. We could hear him cry. Then we watched them drive away with our son.
I wonder if he misses us. I wonder if he has forgotten Ron and I already. I'm sure nobody will ever tell him about us. He was only with us for 31 days but the time we spent with him was so special. Ron and I will never forget it. We want him to be happy, but we want him to seem miserable so that his new family will get fed up with him and give him back to us. Our last words to Sawyer were, "Give 'em Hell. Be a bad boy so you can come back to us. We love you." I know they aren't going to give him back to us, but some days it's easier if I just pretend that they are going to get sick of his antics and give him back. He was a very needy, high maintenance baby but I didn't mind. I hope this bothers his new family.
We wanted to be Sawyer's forever family. We will never know why we couldn't be and we don't want to speculate why. I'm not one to pat myself on the back but I must say that Ron and I were awesome parents. I never doubted the fact that we would be great, but it's one thing to wonder versus actually living it. Sure it took Ron over a week to finally change a diaper on his own, but he did it and never turned back. He was always making up silly songs and singing to Sawyer. The silly songs stopped when we discovered the soothing powers of "The Fox", by Ylvis. Ron was always willing to give me a break in the middle of the night from taking care of Sawyer, even though I said I could do it on my own. I told Ron from day one that I was 'Super Mom'. I only took 2 very short naps in the time we had Sawyer. I did just fine with minimal sleep and I never complained about it. I kept a clean house and even managed to cook dinners when Ron went back to work. I was meant to be a Mom and Ron was meant to be a Dad. We just don't know why our journey to becoming forever parents is such a tough one.
Until next time...
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