Life after losing Sawyer has been difficult. Nothing could've prepared us for what this would feel like. Ron and I have been a whirlwind of intense emotions and have never cried so much. The one emotion we both were unprepared for was just a feeling of emptiness or nothingness. I had no idea how we would manage to get through those first few days without him, but we did.
It seemed like an accomplishment to do activities of daily living like getting out of bed, showering, and eating 3 meals a day. Without Ron putting food in front of me and telling me to eat, I probably wouldn't have eaten for days. I didn't see the point. Food wasn't going to make my heart hurt any less. We've both now reached the point in our grieving where food is our friend...
It was a strange feeling to one moment have your whole life revolve around the needs of an adorable helpless little baby and then one moment have nobody to take care of other than my husband. I miss everything about being a mom. I miss not sleeping, changing diapers, cleaning bottles, doing his laundry, and calming him when he's screaming in my ear. I miss all the things that other moms love to moan and complain about. I miss seeing Ron with Sawyer and seeing how great of a dad he was to him. I miss how complete our family felt when we had Sawyer. Ron and I have each other, but it still feels lonely.
I spent a lot of time in Sawyer's room the first week that he was gone. I like to sit in the rocking chair and just look around his room and cry over the loss of him. I like to look at all the things we bought for him and touch all his clothes. It's hard for me to imagine his room belonging to another child, not only because it's hard to picture the adoption of a child actually working out for us, but because I feel that everything in that nursery belongs to Sawyer. I don't want a different baby to put in the nursery, I want Sawyer back in the nursery. I have a pile of clean laundry in his crib that I just can't bear to fold and put away. I want to because I love folding his tiny cute clothes, but once I do it, I don't get to do it again. After everything that happened with C in August, we closed the nursery room door and kept it closed until Sawyer came home with us. This time around the door is open. I have no desire to shut it. I look inside every time I walk by. It's a reminder of the happiness we had and also of the sadness we now feel.
There are reminders of Sawyer all over our home. We've displayed pictures of him and we still haven't taken the swing out of the living room or one of his many pacifiers off of the coffee table. It would be like officially saying goodbye to Sawyer and that we are 100% certain that he's not coming back. We aren't ready to do that yet, as pathetic as that may sound. It's definitely less pathetic than me wearing the same dirty jeans for 3 days in a row after he was taken that he peed all over on his last day with us. I know that it was gross but I didn't care. It was a memory of him and it was strangely comforting. Ron and my Dad constructed a star in lights that is hung in one of our redwood trees in memory of our time with Sawyer. This was extremely important to Ron because he picked a random star in the sky for me back when we were dating and we always look for it in the sky. Ron didn't have a chance to pick a star for Sawyer while he was with us, so he constructed his own. Ron goes outside every night and looks at Sawyer's star and prays for him. It's sweet but breaks my heart when he comes back inside and I can tell he has been crying.
Five days after Sawyer was taken I received a call from Department of Social Services. They were calling to schedule visitation with his birth mom. It took everything in me to not yell at the person on the other end of the line even though I knew that person wasn't responsible for this mess. I couldn't believe that Social Services was so disorganized that 5 days after he was taken they still hadn't updated their records to show where Sawyer's new home was. His birth mom had not called to schedule visitation in 3 weeks. So part of me was thrilled that his new family would have to deal with the inconvenience of driving from Sacramento to Fresno 2 times per week for a 1 hour visit for the foreseeable future (at least 6 months) with their 3 biological children (the oldest child is 5 years old) and his half sister. The other part of me felt bad that Sawyer would be stuck in a car seat for long periods of time.
Going back to work has been difficult for both of us. The "How is your baby?" or "How do you like being a mom/dad?" questions seem to be never ending. These questions are hard to answer because we don't want to be rude but don't want to get into the details either. Most of the time our answers are filled with tears, which is embarrassing. We are both getting better at putting on a happy face and pretending to be fine. Fake it until you make it, right?
The one positive aspect to this horrible situation we have went through is that I've learned a lot about grieving. I've learned from others what should be said in trying times and what shouldn't be said. I have never known what to say other than "I'm sorry" and always felt like that was lame. Now from my own experience I can say that I would rather people only say "I'm sorry" and then stop talking. It's okay to not know what to say. Sometimes a hug can say it all. We are not looking for advice, especially when the people trying to offer advice have a perfect little family and have no idea what we are going through. I can't figure out why there is this stigma that people who are grieving want to be left alone. We didn't need space. We wanted to feel loved and to be distracted from our pain. We started to get the impression that people were afraid of us. Why else would there be this eerie silence? The only phone calls I've received or visitors we've received in the past 17 days are from my parents. I know that the world doesn't revolve around us but it felt like our lives were at a standstill and everyone else went on with their happy lives. Please note that I'm not looking for apologies or trying to make anyone feel bad. I'm merely expressing how I have felt. Thank you to those of you that sent flowers, cards, or text messages of encouragement. It means more than you know.
The burning question only few have been ballsy enough to ask is, "What are we going to do now?" We are going to continue our search for our 'forever child'. As much as I don't want to put any other child back in the nursery other than Sawyer, I can't be naive. Putting another child in there feels like I am replacing him even though I know he can never be replaced. Although, we are pretty sure that the only thing that is going to make us feel better is to have a baby in the house again. And if we are blessed with a girl next time, she might have to dress like a boy because we have so many boy clothes. The day after Sawyer was taken Department of Social Services was already trying to place other children with us. Really? They steal him from us because of their own mistake and then 'try to make it better' by seeing if we want a 3 month old. Then a few days later they had a 3 year old, then a 2 year old, then a 6 month old. The worst was a newborn whose birth mom died during childbirth, but there was an uncle coming from out of state hoping to be eligible for placement. The birthfather ended up showing up a few days later and taking the baby. Our social worker yelled at them for this last 'possibility'. I think it's safe to say that Social Services knows they screwed up. None of these possibilities felt right. Maybe because it's too soon or maybe because these children aren't meant to have us as parents. We aren't trying to be picky, but we want a newborn. One month or younger to be exact. I think with everything we haven been through we are allowed to be somewhat picky. Only time will tell if the next child we bring into our home will be another foster child or from a birth mom that has specifically chosen us. We've seen first hand that either way it is risky. Both ways have failed us. In the mean time we will continue to let our hearts heal, try to live life as normally as possible, and pray for a miracle.
Until next time...
We Opt To Adopt
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
31 Days With Sawyer
The past 6 weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions. It has been the happiest time of my life and also the saddest. We knew it would be risky to take placement of a child in the foster care system, but the reason Sawyer was taken away was not a risk that we were informed of. The Department of Social Services screwed up big time (and they know it) and our hearts have paid the price for their mistake.
The time we got to spend being parents to Sawyer was wonderful. He stole our hearts faster than we imagined. It's the fact that he was a foster child that made some of the time we had him not so fun. For example, it was court mandated that his birth mom have visits with him 2 times per week for an hour each visit. You have no idea how hard it was to take MY baby downtown to Child Protective Services and hand him off to his birth mom. Yes, the visits were supervised but this doesn't make it any easier. Ron and I would just take turns crying in the waiting room for an hour and wonder what is going on. And occasionally make unnecessary trips to the bathroom to spy on them. Then the birth mom would come out holding MY baby and give him kisses goodbye. The birth mom would make comments like, "Thanks for taking care of MY baby." All the while I just wanted to scream, "He's not yours. He's mine! You lost the privilege of being his mom." Sawyer would come home smelling like her perfume. I would change his clothes and give him baths and he would still smell like her. The smell of her perfume would literally make me sick to my stomach. He would have spit up all over his clothes and be in dire need of a diaper change. Seriously, all she had to do to keep his clothes clean was follow my instructions of 'feed upright, burp every ounce, and keep upright for 20 minutes after.' It's not that hard. As Ron would say, "Don't mess with Mama Bear..." And yes I know that it was just as hard for the birth mom to see Ron and I with Sawyer but she has had so many chances to prove herself as a good mother and has failed each and every time.
We had Sawyer home for 2 weeks before things started to unravel. First, we found out that Sawyer has an 11 month old half sister that was unaccounted for and lives in Sacramento County. She was in the process of being adopted by the foster family she had been living with. At first we were told that this was good news that she was being adopted and that it would help our case in court. The next day we were informed that this family from Sacramento County found out about Sawyer and want to take placement of him, which is a fancy way of saying 'steal him from us'. When they took placement of his half sister they signed a contract that stated that they would have first dibs on any subsequent children for this particular birth mom. Plus, there is a new law that states that foster families have rights to take placement of siblings, whether whole or half siblings. We were told that the Department of Social Services (DSS) was on our side and that they wanted us to keep Sawyer. They said that there were reasons why this family in Sacramento shouldn't take placement of Sawyer. We were super nervous and scared, but had a little hope based upon this information. DSS tried to blame their mistake of placing Sawyer with us on the fact that they were rushed to find a home him. Two weeks passed by and we heard nothing from DSS. Our adoption agency tried to make contact with them and they never responded. Deep down I knew something bad was brewing and I was right. On Monday December 9 we got a call that said that family from Sacramento was meeting with DSS right now about Sawyer. We were told that the family would be making their decision by noon the following day. That family was told about us. They knew that we are unable to conceive on our own, that we had a failed adoption over the summer, and that we love Sawyer as our own child. That family said they had a foster child for 6 months before and had it taken away so that they 'know what we are going through'. In my opinion, the hurt they felt from having a foster child taken away isn't the same amount of hurt we would feel because they have biological children of their own. They have no idea what it feels like to have their first born child taken away and that's what Sawyer is to us. He's our first child, our first born. On Tuesday December 10 we were informed that the family from Sacramento would be taking Sawyer away from us. They heard our story and they didn't care. We were told we had until Friday with Sawyer. However, the next day we were told that somebody from DSS would be picking him up in 4 hours. Not only were they taking away my son, but they were robbing me of precious time with him. We were devastated.
I hate this family from Sacramento. I really do. They have got to be the worst people in the entire world to do this to Ron and I. A genetic link to his half sister doesn't mean anything. Family is what you make it. Family is love. And nobody will ever love Sawyer more than Ron and I do. EVER. As far as we are concerned Sawyer will always be our first child and we will never forget him. He will always hold a special place in our hearts. Just because I didn't carry him for 9 months doesn't mean that this hurts any less. It feels like he has died because we will never see him again or get updates on how he is doing. We just have to trust that this family is giving him the care he needs and deserves, which is hard to do knowing that they are a busy family. I doubt that they are sleeping on the floor of the nursery because he hates the bassinet and aren't ready for him to be alone at night yet. I doubt they know that he is soothed by music. Or that he can also be soothed by being swaddled, given a pacifier, being held sideways, standing and rocking, and sushing in his ear loudly all at the same time (if any 1 of the 5 components are left out, it won't work). Or that he loves being worn in the Moby Wrap and will take the best naps in there when he is cuddled up next to me.
Saying good bye to Sawyer was horrible. He knew something was wrong. He was so good on our last day. In my last moments with him, he was just gazing into my eyes and maintaining eye contact for longer than he ever had. When he got put into a car seat that wasn't his, he cried and cried. It's like he knew it wasn't his. Two social workers from DSS walked him out to their car and Ron and I watched from our front door. We could hear him cry. Then we watched them drive away with our son.
I wonder if he misses us. I wonder if he has forgotten Ron and I already. I'm sure nobody will ever tell him about us. He was only with us for 31 days but the time we spent with him was so special. Ron and I will never forget it. We want him to be happy, but we want him to seem miserable so that his new family will get fed up with him and give him back to us. Our last words to Sawyer were, "Give 'em Hell. Be a bad boy so you can come back to us. We love you." I know they aren't going to give him back to us, but some days it's easier if I just pretend that they are going to get sick of his antics and give him back. He was a very needy, high maintenance baby but I didn't mind. I hope this bothers his new family.
We wanted to be Sawyer's forever family. We will never know why we couldn't be and we don't want to speculate why. I'm not one to pat myself on the back but I must say that Ron and I were awesome parents. I never doubted the fact that we would be great, but it's one thing to wonder versus actually living it. Sure it took Ron over a week to finally change a diaper on his own, but he did it and never turned back. He was always making up silly songs and singing to Sawyer. The silly songs stopped when we discovered the soothing powers of "The Fox", by Ylvis. Ron was always willing to give me a break in the middle of the night from taking care of Sawyer, even though I said I could do it on my own. I told Ron from day one that I was 'Super Mom'. I only took 2 very short naps in the time we had Sawyer. I did just fine with minimal sleep and I never complained about it. I kept a clean house and even managed to cook dinners when Ron went back to work. I was meant to be a Mom and Ron was meant to be a Dad. We just don't know why our journey to becoming forever parents is such a tough one.
Until next time...
The time we got to spend being parents to Sawyer was wonderful. He stole our hearts faster than we imagined. It's the fact that he was a foster child that made some of the time we had him not so fun. For example, it was court mandated that his birth mom have visits with him 2 times per week for an hour each visit. You have no idea how hard it was to take MY baby downtown to Child Protective Services and hand him off to his birth mom. Yes, the visits were supervised but this doesn't make it any easier. Ron and I would just take turns crying in the waiting room for an hour and wonder what is going on. And occasionally make unnecessary trips to the bathroom to spy on them. Then the birth mom would come out holding MY baby and give him kisses goodbye. The birth mom would make comments like, "Thanks for taking care of MY baby." All the while I just wanted to scream, "He's not yours. He's mine! You lost the privilege of being his mom." Sawyer would come home smelling like her perfume. I would change his clothes and give him baths and he would still smell like her. The smell of her perfume would literally make me sick to my stomach. He would have spit up all over his clothes and be in dire need of a diaper change. Seriously, all she had to do to keep his clothes clean was follow my instructions of 'feed upright, burp every ounce, and keep upright for 20 minutes after.' It's not that hard. As Ron would say, "Don't mess with Mama Bear..." And yes I know that it was just as hard for the birth mom to see Ron and I with Sawyer but she has had so many chances to prove herself as a good mother and has failed each and every time.
We had Sawyer home for 2 weeks before things started to unravel. First, we found out that Sawyer has an 11 month old half sister that was unaccounted for and lives in Sacramento County. She was in the process of being adopted by the foster family she had been living with. At first we were told that this was good news that she was being adopted and that it would help our case in court. The next day we were informed that this family from Sacramento County found out about Sawyer and want to take placement of him, which is a fancy way of saying 'steal him from us'. When they took placement of his half sister they signed a contract that stated that they would have first dibs on any subsequent children for this particular birth mom. Plus, there is a new law that states that foster families have rights to take placement of siblings, whether whole or half siblings. We were told that the Department of Social Services (DSS) was on our side and that they wanted us to keep Sawyer. They said that there were reasons why this family in Sacramento shouldn't take placement of Sawyer. We were super nervous and scared, but had a little hope based upon this information. DSS tried to blame their mistake of placing Sawyer with us on the fact that they were rushed to find a home him. Two weeks passed by and we heard nothing from DSS. Our adoption agency tried to make contact with them and they never responded. Deep down I knew something bad was brewing and I was right. On Monday December 9 we got a call that said that family from Sacramento was meeting with DSS right now about Sawyer. We were told that the family would be making their decision by noon the following day. That family was told about us. They knew that we are unable to conceive on our own, that we had a failed adoption over the summer, and that we love Sawyer as our own child. That family said they had a foster child for 6 months before and had it taken away so that they 'know what we are going through'. In my opinion, the hurt they felt from having a foster child taken away isn't the same amount of hurt we would feel because they have biological children of their own. They have no idea what it feels like to have their first born child taken away and that's what Sawyer is to us. He's our first child, our first born. On Tuesday December 10 we were informed that the family from Sacramento would be taking Sawyer away from us. They heard our story and they didn't care. We were told we had until Friday with Sawyer. However, the next day we were told that somebody from DSS would be picking him up in 4 hours. Not only were they taking away my son, but they were robbing me of precious time with him. We were devastated.
I hate this family from Sacramento. I really do. They have got to be the worst people in the entire world to do this to Ron and I. A genetic link to his half sister doesn't mean anything. Family is what you make it. Family is love. And nobody will ever love Sawyer more than Ron and I do. EVER. As far as we are concerned Sawyer will always be our first child and we will never forget him. He will always hold a special place in our hearts. Just because I didn't carry him for 9 months doesn't mean that this hurts any less. It feels like he has died because we will never see him again or get updates on how he is doing. We just have to trust that this family is giving him the care he needs and deserves, which is hard to do knowing that they are a busy family. I doubt that they are sleeping on the floor of the nursery because he hates the bassinet and aren't ready for him to be alone at night yet. I doubt they know that he is soothed by music. Or that he can also be soothed by being swaddled, given a pacifier, being held sideways, standing and rocking, and sushing in his ear loudly all at the same time (if any 1 of the 5 components are left out, it won't work). Or that he loves being worn in the Moby Wrap and will take the best naps in there when he is cuddled up next to me.
Saying good bye to Sawyer was horrible. He knew something was wrong. He was so good on our last day. In my last moments with him, he was just gazing into my eyes and maintaining eye contact for longer than he ever had. When he got put into a car seat that wasn't his, he cried and cried. It's like he knew it wasn't his. Two social workers from DSS walked him out to their car and Ron and I watched from our front door. We could hear him cry. Then we watched them drive away with our son.
I wonder if he misses us. I wonder if he has forgotten Ron and I already. I'm sure nobody will ever tell him about us. He was only with us for 31 days but the time we spent with him was so special. Ron and I will never forget it. We want him to be happy, but we want him to seem miserable so that his new family will get fed up with him and give him back to us. Our last words to Sawyer were, "Give 'em Hell. Be a bad boy so you can come back to us. We love you." I know they aren't going to give him back to us, but some days it's easier if I just pretend that they are going to get sick of his antics and give him back. He was a very needy, high maintenance baby but I didn't mind. I hope this bothers his new family.
We wanted to be Sawyer's forever family. We will never know why we couldn't be and we don't want to speculate why. I'm not one to pat myself on the back but I must say that Ron and I were awesome parents. I never doubted the fact that we would be great, but it's one thing to wonder versus actually living it. Sure it took Ron over a week to finally change a diaper on his own, but he did it and never turned back. He was always making up silly songs and singing to Sawyer. The silly songs stopped when we discovered the soothing powers of "The Fox", by Ylvis. Ron was always willing to give me a break in the middle of the night from taking care of Sawyer, even though I said I could do it on my own. I told Ron from day one that I was 'Super Mom'. I only took 2 very short naps in the time we had Sawyer. I did just fine with minimal sleep and I never complained about it. I kept a clean house and even managed to cook dinners when Ron went back to work. I was meant to be a Mom and Ron was meant to be a Dad. We just don't know why our journey to becoming forever parents is such a tough one.
Until next time...
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