Just The Sperm?

Barriers are something that we knew we would come across, but one aspect I haven't yet discussed is the role the birthfather played in the whole mess with C.  Let's just put this out there.  He will not be a candidate for, "Father of the Year" anytime soon.  "Loser of the Year" maybe, but I am not sure when those regional awards are handed out.

When we were initially matched with C, we were told by the agency and by C that the birthfather was 'not in the picture' and probably wouldn't be something that we needed to be concerned about. We readily accepted this information because we didn't want to have to worry about him and how he might contest the adoption. As far as we were concerned he was just the sperm. Yes, it was naive to think like this but at this point it was more important to win over C. We were curious about him though, so we asked C a lot of open ended questions about him hoping that she would elaborate and she willingly answered. She described him as a 'loser'. She said that he denied that the baby is his and claims that she slept around. C was disappointed in what kind of father he has turned out to be to their 1 year old daughter. Drugs and alcohol were more important to him than to being a father. C wouldn't even let her daughter be alone with him anymore. At this point we were feeling confident that IF he ended up fighting for custody of the baby that we would win, but no one thought it would come to that.

I got to spend a lot of one on one time with C as her due date approached. As she got more comfortable with me she divulged more dirt on the birthfather. I treasured everything she told me about him because it was all info that we could use against him if he ended up disputing the adoption. Sadly, his loser-ish ways made me happy. If he was a responsible father, the adoption of this baby wouldn't have been a possibility. Even though the birthfather didn't want to claim responsibility for C's unborn child, his solution to the problem was that he and C would trade children. He would care for their 1 year old daughter and she would care for their newborn son and her 2 year old son. C told us that she would rather us have her baby boy than him and that there was no way she would let him have their daughter.

A couple weeks before C's due date, the adoption agency informed us that they had some new concerns about the birthfather.  He seemed to be coming around to the idea that the baby was his. He finally made contact with the agency after they had been trying to get a hold of him for weeks and weeks. They explained to him C's adoption plan and how he was going to be served papers to terminate his rights. He would have 30 days from the birth of the child to sign over his rights or to contest the adoption. He stated that if the baby was his, he wanted it. However, he wanted to have a paternity test done to confirm. He told the agency that they could pay to have the test done. The agency informed him that it was his responsibility to pay for the paternity test. He said that he couldn't afford the test. The agency also told him that if he chooses to not sign over his rights that he would be responsible for hiring an attorney. Of course, he said that he wouldn't be able to afford that either. If we had to hire a lawyer on C's behalf to prove he was an unfit father, we would do it. Our hearts were in this 100%.

Why is it that the most unsuitable people think that they can be parents? Yet we have everything we needed to give this baby the greatest possible life and the birthfather couldn't see past his own selfishness. We were told he was young, unreliable, and delinquent on child support. If he can't afford a paternity test, how is he supposed to raise and support a child?

There is no telling how all of this would've played out after the baby was born. But since C chose to not follow through with the adoption plan she made, none of this matters anymore. After everything was said and done we realized we can't 'turn off' our love for this child and we pray that he finds some stability in his life. Ron has shared that it breaks his heart to know that the child he thought he would be a father to is now possibly being 'parented' by this man.  As the weeks go by our hearts continue to heal, but we will always wonder how life is turning out for that little boy.

Until next time...

We Want That One

Choices are made on a daily basis. Sometimes the choice is easy, sometimes the choice is hard. Before we started the process of adoption we never thought about being able to choose what kind of child we wanted. All we knew was we wanted a baby. It's not like we were going to the store to pick the child we wanted off the shelf, yet that is what it kind of felt like.

At the beginning of this process we were given a sheet of paper titled "Child Desired". The questions started off easy. Age range in years?: 0. Gender?: Male or Female. Number of Children?: One or Two (Two would be twins. Buy one, get one free. Yes please!) Race/Ethnicity You Would Welcome Into Your Family?: Open to any mix of Caucasian, Black, Asian, Hispanic, or Native American. Are you interested in adopting from another country? No.

Then the questions got increasingly harder. It's not easy to decide what emotional, intellectual and medical potential special needs we are willing to accept or not accept. Sometimes it not even easy for me to make the easiest of everyday life choices. Will we accept a child with medical needs such as a drug withdrawal, alcohol exposure, congenital heart disease, missing limb, deformity of arms or legs, cerebral palsy, blindness, deafness, etc.? Will we accept a child whose birth parents have a history of mental illness, mental retardation, epilepsy, drug use, alcoholism, etc.? These are choices that will alter our lives and the life of a child forever and it feels scary as we wonder if we've made the right choice. Some of these choices we said we would accept, some we will not accept, and some we would discuss on a case by case basis.

We felt guilty marking 'will not accept' on some of the questions. It is hard to be reluctant to accept all possibilities. God accepts all people, so why shouldn't we? Who are we to be picky? Every child deserves a loving family. Are we willing to pass up potential children just because they have a special need? Are we ready for all the challenges a special needs child would bring into our lives?

When we thought about having a child of our own, we thought it would be this perfect little baby that had nothing wrong with it. Was our thinking naive? Maybe. Could we end up with a baby that is perfect in every way? Absolutely. And even if we are blessed with a child that has "something wrong with them", are we going to love it any less? Of course not! It will be perfect in our eyes, which is all that matters. I realize that even I was to become pregnant there are still plenty of potential special needs that could arise. It's just that I would have control over some of these risks, such as drug and alcohol exposure. I can't control any potential birth mothers, even though I wish I could.

We feel that we are very accepting of what we will or will not accept. Will this lead us to the child that God has chosen for us any faster? We hope so. A few days after our failed adoption the adoption agency informed us that we were 1 of 2 families within all six of their offices that was open to an African American child and/or a boy. This has probably changed now that it has been over 8 weeks since then, but it made us sad that at that time that no one wanted an African American child. Well, sad and kind of happy because we thought it might lead us to our baby sooner. But it all goes back to the fact that with adoption you can try and 'choose' what you desire. But I think this gives a false sense of control. We know that we can try all we want to be in control, but ultimately God is the one in control and already has our perfect baby chosen. All we can do is try to wait patiently.

Until next time...

You're Welcome For The Groceries

DISCLAIMER: If you use EBT/SNAP or WIC you may not want to read this. You might not like what I have to say. You've been warned.

Like I've said before, we have our good days and our bad days. Although lately it seems that it doesn't take much to turn a perfectly good day into a bad day. For example, Ron and I went to the grocery store one evening last week. Bad, bad idea. It was the near the first of the month. As if it wasn't bad enough for the store to be packed with people whose carts are overflowing with food that we can't afford (but are paying for), but we are stuck in line behind a young pregnant couple that is using WIC vouchers and EBT/SNAP. First of all, it's annoying that those WIC vouchers take so long to process. Second of all, the pregnant girl that "doesn't have money for groceries" has enough money for designer jeans, fancy acrylic nails, and an iphone. All the while she's standing there rubbing her big fat pregnant belly.  It drives me nuts when pregnant women do that. Also, why do you need to hold your belly? It's not like the baby is going to fall out! Yeah yeah I know it's meant to be an act of love. But when infertile women see pregnant women doing this it's like they might as well just yell in my face that they are fertile and I am barren.

Just to clarify... I don't have a problem with people using EBT/SNAP or WIC. I think it is great for people who actually need the assistance. I do however have a problem with people who abuse the system. If you have money for the luxuries in life such as fancy clothes, fancy nails, and an iphone then I seriously doubt you need public assistance. You need to get your priorities straight. Get your lazy Cheeto eating, Mountain Dew drinking butt off the couch and find a job. Don't teach your children to think of the 'system' as a career choice, but do teach your children work ethic, pride, and to trash the idea of entitlement.

What it all comes down to is jealousy. I don't think it's fair that people who don't have the money to feed themselves or their families keep popping out children that they can't afford. Ron and I have worked hard to get to where we are financially, yet we pay to feed the people of WinCo and pay for adoption expenses to try and get a baby to call our own. And lastly, I'm super jealous of how the unhealthy food in their carts always looks better than the healthy food in our cart.

Pain, Pain, Go Away

It was always a possibility that C might decide to keep her baby. Adoption is a gamble and one never can predict how things will turn out. All the facts pointed towards C not being able to raise him on her own and not wanting to raise him. She already had 2 children to care for, she was homeless, didn't have a job, didn't have a high school diploma, and has baby daddies who don't pay child support for her other children. She knew he would have a better life if she gave him up for adoption. C told me several times that "keeping him would be selfish, not only to him but also to her other 2 kids." Unfortunately, she decided to be selfish. Just to set the record straight, I am not oblivious to the fact that giving up a child for adoption is an extremely hard decision to make and that it's even harder to follow through with that decision.

The whole situation is a perfect example of being kicked when I'm already down. All the emotions from dealing with this failed adoption just made my back pain for all the trampoline fun so much worse. Saying we were sad, heartbroken, hurt, and felt betrayed don't even seem like strong enough words to explain how we truly felt. Several people have told me that the emotions felt from a failed adoption feel similar to that of a miscarriage or a stillborn. I can't vouch for this statement seeing as I've never had a miscarriage or given birth to a stillborn, which I'm so thankful for. The grief we are dealing with just seems like it can't compare to the grief a mother feels that loses the life that was once growing inside her. All I know is any form of loss sucks.

What makes this whole experience so much worse is that adoption might be our only chance of having a child of our own. If we had the ability to conceive biologically, yes we would be sad, but we wouldn't be in such a state of angst wondering if we would ever be more than a family of 2.

Our sadness quickly turned to anger. It is so much easier to be angry instead of sad. We were angry that  C did this to us, that she was the cause of so much pain. We wondered if she even thought about how her decision would affect us. We practically put our lives on hold for 2 months to cater to her every need, expecting to get a baby out of it. We will always wonder is she played us. Did she originally plan to actually relinquish her baby to us or was her plan just to take whatever she could get from us? The combination of her expenses and the adoption agency expenses are more than anyone could probably imagine. Lets just say my salary for the foreseeable future is already spent. This is all money that we will never see again, which caused even more heartache. We gambled and lost miserably.

Now we are back to where we started. Waiting... and waiting. It's not fun and it doesn't seem fair. We know that all of this happened for a reason. God has a perfect plan for us and being parents to this little boy wasn't in His plans. I just pray that one day I will finally become a mom. I won't lie, sometimes I feel like this is never going to happen. It's really hard to be hopeful, when I've spent so much time being hopeful (3+ years of trying to get pregnant, about a year of infertility tests, and 2 months with C) and have nothing. It hurts to want something so bad and not know if you will ever get it, no matter what lengths you go through to try and get it. I hate saying this out loud, but I feel like Ron and I deserve a baby. For starters, we actually WANT a baby, which is more than some people can say. We have the means to provide everything that child needs. And most importantly our hearts are overflowing with love for a child that we haven't even met yet. There are so many people that are undeserving of having children, yet they have herds of them. Sometimes life just isn't fair.

I hate that we prepared a nursery for a baby and now we don't have a baby to put in it. I can't even go into that room. The door stays closed, which is a shame because I love how the room turned out. It hurts too much to look around and see everything that we bought and not have a use for it.

I sure hope I never run into C around town because there is no telling what I might do. I'm not a confrontational type of person but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't hide from her. Ron better eat his Wheaties so he can hold me back from doing or saying something stupid.

We are not looking forward to potentially building another relationship with a birth mother. C definitely ruined that for us. How can we possibly 'trust' another birth mom after all of this? I'm scared that if we get matched with another birth mother that the same thing might happen again and I don't think our hearts could handle that.

So now is the time to start the healing. It just seems at this point as soon as our hearts start to heal something or somebody comes along and rips us to shreds. It kind of reminds me of a scab that keeps getting hooked on your sweater or something else and it makes it nearly impossible to heal. We know we will live with this pain for a long time, possibly forever, yet we are trying to stay positive. If you ask us how things are we may say "fine", we may break into tears or we may rip you a new one. Just prepare yourself because the feelings we have one minute may not be the same the next.

Until next time...