Barriers are something that we knew we would come across, but one aspect I haven't yet discussed is the role the birthfather played in the whole mess with C. Let's just put this out there. He will not be a candidate for, "Father of the Year" anytime soon. "Loser of the Year" maybe, but I am not sure when those regional awards are handed out.
When we were initially matched with C, we were told by the agency and by C that the birthfather was 'not in the picture' and probably wouldn't be something that we needed to be concerned about. We readily accepted this information because we didn't want to have to worry about him and how he might contest the adoption. As far as we were concerned he was just the sperm. Yes, it was naive to think like this but at this point it was more important to win over C. We were curious about him though, so we asked C a lot of open ended questions about him hoping that she would elaborate and she willingly answered. She described him as a 'loser'. She said that he denied that the baby is his and claims that she slept around. C was disappointed in what kind of father he has turned out to be to their 1 year old daughter. Drugs and alcohol were more important to him than to being a father. C wouldn't even let her daughter be alone with him anymore. At this point we were feeling confident that IF he ended up fighting for custody of the baby that we would win, but no one thought it would come to that.
I got to spend a lot of one on one time with C as her due date approached. As she got more comfortable with me she divulged more dirt on the birthfather. I treasured everything she told me about him because it was all info that we could use against him if he ended up disputing the adoption. Sadly, his loser-ish ways made me happy. If he was a responsible father, the adoption of this baby wouldn't have been a possibility. Even though the birthfather didn't want to claim responsibility for C's unborn child, his solution to the problem was that he and C would trade children. He would care for their 1 year old daughter and she would care for their newborn son and her 2 year old son. C told us that she would rather us have her baby boy than him and that there was no way she would let him have their daughter.
A couple weeks before C's due date, the adoption agency informed us that they had some new concerns about the birthfather. He seemed to be coming around to the idea that the baby was his. He finally made contact with the agency after they had been trying to get a hold of him for weeks and weeks. They explained to him C's adoption plan and how he was going to be served papers to terminate his rights. He would have 30 days from the birth of the child to sign over his rights or to contest the adoption. He stated that if the baby was his, he wanted it. However, he wanted to have a paternity test done to confirm. He told the agency that they could pay to have the test done. The agency informed him that it was his responsibility to pay for the paternity test. He said that he couldn't afford the test. The agency also told him that if he chooses to not sign over his rights that he would be responsible for hiring an attorney. Of course, he said that he wouldn't be able to afford that either. If we had to hire a lawyer on C's behalf to prove he was an unfit father, we would do it. Our hearts were in this 100%.
Why is it that the most unsuitable people think that they can be parents? Yet we have everything we needed to give this baby the greatest possible life and the birthfather couldn't see past his own selfishness. We were told he was young, unreliable, and delinquent on child support. If he can't afford a paternity test, how is he supposed to raise and support a child?
There is no telling how all of this would've played out after the baby was born. But since C chose to not follow through with the adoption plan she made, none of this matters anymore. After everything was said and done we realized we can't 'turn off' our love for this child and we pray that he finds some stability in his life. Ron has shared that it breaks his heart to know that the child he thought he would be a father to is now possibly being 'parented' by this man. As the weeks go by our hearts continue to heal, but we will always wonder how life is turning out for that little boy.
Until next time...
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