When we arrived home without Landon, I completely fell apart. All I could do was cry. I cried over the loss of another son, cried over the fact that I had absolutely no hope that we would ever receive our forever child, and cried because it just didn't seem fair that we were going through this again. I never felt anger towards 'Y'. I didn't blame her for what she decided. I felt that she needed emotional support and reassurance and that she didn't receive it when she needed it the most. We were mad at her social worker for not providing this to her. We felt that if our social worker could've been her social worker that we would've went home with Landon. Maybe we just needed someone to blame.
We spent the next day (Monday) grieving. For me, this meant looking through all the pictures we took of him at the hospital and blogging about what had happened. We talked about him, laughed at the funny things he did during our short time with him, and cried. Monday evening Ron received a call from our social worker. There was a birth mom in Modesto that had a baby boy on Sunday. She was making an adoption plan for him and would be picking a family first thing the following morning. Our social worker wanted to know if we wanted our profile to be shown to her. She knew we were still grieving, but she also knew that the situation was ideal. When Ron relayed the info to me, I said, "Yes" without even thinking about it. Even though I missed Landon and wanted him back, I knew that the only thing that would really fix our broken hearts would be to have another baby in the house. The short time that we spent with Landon, was the only time my heart didn't ache over the loss of Sawyer. He wiggled his way into our hearts and made everything we had been through up to that point seem like no big deal.
I tried to not be too hopeful that we would be chosen, but it was nice to have something to cling on to. I knew our chances were slim. We didn't pray that we would be chosen, but prayed that God's will would be done and that we would be okay with whatever happened. Tuesday morning came and my stomach was in knots. I was nervous about what this birth mom would decide and I was also sad about Landon. It was a strange mix of feelings. Ron had went to work that day, so I was all alone as I waited for news. 11:30 am came and went and we hadn't heard anything. I had started to believe that she had chose another family. I was upset that every single time our profile had been shown in the past to other birth mothers it had been chosen, so why was it not chosen this time? In the mean time, my mom had called to check up on me and I blurted out how sad I was about Landon and how sad I was about us not being picked by the birth mom in Modesto.
Not even 10 minutes after talking to my mom, our social worker called me. She asked how I was doing and I said, "I was hanging in there." She told me, "You just need to hang in there a little bit longer because you are going to Modesto today. That birth mom picked you guys." I couldn't believe it! Was this really happening? We conference called Ron to tell him the news. He needed to drop everything at work because we needed to be in Modesto as soon as possible. The baby was ready to be discharged from the hospital and he would be discharged to us.
It was so strange to go from being so sad to so happy. The events of the weekend were still in the back of my mind, but maybe this time everything would work out. I joked with Ron that I now had a good idea of what it must feel like to have Bipolor Disorder because over the weekend I was happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, happy, sad, sad, sad, and now extremely happy again. What a roller coaster it had been.
Our first stop was the Modesto Family Connections Christian Adoption Agency. There we signed some paperwork and then waited for the birth mother to arrive because she wanted to meet us and give us a hug. She arrived with the birth father and her dad (birth grandfather), who were both very supportive of her decision. This time around everything felt so different. They were so genuine and seemed so sure of their decision. They kept thanking us for wanting to adopt their baby, when it seemed like Ron and I should be the only ones saying thank you. The birth mom was so strong and only cried once when telling us the details of her her pregnancy and birth story. Ron and I could tell that this time around things would be different, which was strange to feel with everything we have been through. Everything seemed so easy. She had already signed paperwork earlier in the day and chose to not place a hold it (Birth mothers are allowed to place up to a 30 day hold on the paperwork to terminate their rights in case they are unsure of their decision and want the option of changing their minds). It takes up to 10 business days for the State to clear him for adoption and for parental rights to be terminated. So by March 5, 2014 we will be able to breathe a sigh of relief. At that point we would have nothing to worry about and would just have to wait 6 months before we can finalize the adoption.
We anxiously waited for all the loose ends to be tied up before we could finally go meet our son. We assumed he would be a cutie because his birth parents were both very good looking people. All we knew was that he had white hair. When we finally laid eyes on him in the nursery of the hospital, I couldn't help but giggle at his cuteness. He looked like a little viking! His hair was so white it was like a beacon of light and his cheeks were so chubby it looked like he was storing nuts for the winter. No wonder some random employee at the hospital seriously wanted to adopt him, but our agency told them, "No". Our first meeting with him was not at all rushed. We got to feed him, cuddle him, take pictures, and dress him in his coming home outfit. His nurses were so interested in our story and were so happy for all of us that they cried and gave us hugs. On our way out of the hospital several nurses stopped and commented on his bright hair. I wasn't lying when I described it as a beacon of light.
We couldn't wait to get him in the Jeep and drive him home. That definitely made it feel more real. It wasn't until the drive home that we made phone calls and started to spread our good news. No one could hardly believe our news because it was only 2 days before that we had horrific news. My favorite responses were screams and high pitched squeals. We've had 4 sons in 6 months time, but now it all seems worth it. It's like we've been waiting all along for this little boy.
We've named our 7 pound 12 ounce, 21.5 inch little viking 'Lucas Finn'. However, this is not his legal name yet. 'Lucas' means 'light' and this little guy definitely brought some light to our lives during a very dark time. And 'Finn' means 'small blonde soldier'. Need I say more?
Until Next Time...
We Opt To Adopt
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Friday, February 21, 2014
Not Again!
Nervousness doesn't even begin to explain how Ron and I felt when we arrived at the hospital on Valentine's Day. We had no idea how the day was going to play out. Would 'Y' be happy with her choice of picking us as adoptive parents once she met us? Did she even show up to be induced? Was she going to change her birth plan? Would she change her mind about not wanting to see him, hold him, or care for him? Would she still want me in the delivery room when the baby was born? Would I pass out from witnessing the nasty miracle of life (because I don't do so well with blood and other bodily fluids that are meant to stay in the body)? How long would she labor for? Would she actually follow through with relinquishing her baby to us? All of these questions and more were running through my mind as we waited for 'Y's social worker to arrive to make introductions. We were set to meet at 8:00 am. The social worker must have decided that we weren't nervous enough because she didn't arrive until 9:15 am.
We met with 'Y' for about 30 minutes. It could best be described as awkward. We were complete strangers. She was really quiet but answered all of our questions. We were very careful with what we said. We felt like if we said the wrong thing she would change her mind. Ron did a great job of keeping the conversation flowing, but had so much nervous energy that he was dancing around and swaying from side to side. 'Y' had a friend with her that would be staying for her delivery. We were glad she had someone there to support her, but we didn't know if her friend supported her adoption plan. Who knew what her friend would be saying to her when we weren't with 'Y'. Would she be trying to change her mind about the adoption plan? At this point she was 1 cm dilated and wasn't feeling any contractions yet. 'Y' said she wanted to rest before she started progressing and would have her friend come get me when she woke up so we could visit some more. So we left and went to the waiting room thinking we would see her in an hour or two. 'Y's social worker informed us that 'Y' was unsure if she still wanted me in the delivery room. I was a little disappointed, but understood. I probably would want some stranger seeing 'ALL of me' either. I started to feel like maybe she didn't like me, even though the social worker told me that she was just feeling embarrassed. It was scary that she was already making changes to her birth plan. At this point 'Y's social worker left and told us that she would not be back. We were alone and were feeling very uneasy about that. We knew she was only a phone call away, but the unknown was very scary for us. Everything was completely out of our control. All we could do was wait and pray.
Three hours later we were still sitting in the waiting room. We hadn't heard from 'Y'. Was saying that she wanted to take a nap her way of getting us to leave her alone? We weren't about to go knock on her door, so we waited... and waited. At some point one of her nurses came out, saw the looks on our faces, and gave us an update. The nurse said, "She hadn't made any progress and that it was going to be a long day." That wasn't what we wanted to hear, but at least we finally knew something. A little while later we were told that 'Y's friend was going to be leaving and at that point I would be invited back into the room with her. I waited and waited, and her friend never left. At 3:45 pm the nurses seemed to start to feel pretty bad for us. They offered to put us in a postpartum room so we could be more comfortable. They said we would need a room after the baby was born anyway. We gladly accepted the offer. It was such a pick-me-up to change up the scenery and know that eventually we would be sharing this room with our son.
Once we were put in a hospital room, the nurses did a great job of keeping us informed of 'Y's progress. Around 7:30 pm, she was was 3 and a half cm dilated and was going to be getting an epidural. The nurse told us that she would probably be ready to push in 2 hours and that she did want me in the room with her when the time came. Exactly 2 hours later, the nurse was telling me it was time. I left Ron alone and was so happy for the opportunity to see my son be born. We were going to be having a Valentine's Day baby!
I really didn't know what to expect when I entered the delivery room. I made small talk and tried to encourage her. Out of no where 'Y' asked me how long Ron and I had been waiting for a baby to adopt. I figured now was as good of time as any to tell her the quick version our whole story. Through tears, I told her about 'C' and how she was a birth mom just like herself. I told her that I took 'C' to doctors appointments and built a relationship with her and then 'C' had the baby and changed her mind about adoption. Then I really started crying because I was trying to find the words to tell her about Sawyer. I told her about how much we loved Sawyer and how much it hurt when he was taken away from us. I told her that Ron had been such an amazing dad to Sawyer and that she shouldn't have any doubts about his parenting abilities. She had no idea our adoption journey has been so tough and I could tell she felt so bad for Ron and I. Even though it may not seem like it, telling our story brought such a good vibe to the room.
Soon after it was time for her to start pushing. She pushed him out in less than 5 contractions. He made his appearance at 10:02 pm. It was amazing to see him be born and hear his first cries. She didn't want to hold him and now wasn't sure if she wanted to see him. I was honored to be the first person to hold him. I loved him immediately and couldn't believe he was finally here. After I had about 10 minutes with him, 'Y' asked me to go get Ron so that he could see the baby. She decided at that point she did want to see and hold her baby. I was glad that she changed her mind about wanting to hold him, otherwise she would always wonder what it would've been like. I ran down the hall and got Ron. I found him on his knees praying. I was gone all of 2 minutes and 'Y' gladly handed the baby over to Ron. 'Y' asked us what we were going to name the baby and we told her, "Landon Hunter." She said she liked the name and then told us we could take the baby to our room. We thanked her immensely for the amazing gift she was giving us and told her we would check up on her later.
We spent the next 14 hours with Landon and enjoyed every moment of it. During this time we really started to believe that 'Y' was going to follow through with her adoption plan. We were told that she was doing well and was going to be discharged from the hospital that afternoon. We would be staying with Landon at the hospital until Monday morning. 'Y' had us officially name the baby and the birth certificate paperwork was processed. His legal name was Landon Hunter Sequeira. We couldn't believe that he was going to be a Sequeira from day one. At 12:35 pm she decided that she wanted to say good bye to Landon and she wanted to do it alone. We were nervous about their good bye, but knew it was an important part of the process for her to get some closure. We figured we would see Landon again within an hour or so. Landon was gone for over 5 hours. During this time Ron and I just sat and stared at each other, hoping that every noise we heard outside the door was him coming back to us. We let ourselves think that he wasn't coming back and that she was going to keep him. The nurses came in every so often giving us updates about what was going on between 'Y' and Landon. We were so thankful for such great nurses. They were all pro adoption and genuinely cared about us. We made several calls to our social worker in Fresno during that time, who did a great job of reassuring us and helped calm our nerves. We wished that 'Y's social worker would come to the hospital and give her the support she needed, but she didn't. At about 5:45 pm, one of the nurses helped give 'Y' the nudge she needed to finally hand Landon over. The nurse delivered him back to us and I cried tears of joy and relief. The nurse told us that 'Y' didn't want to see us before she left the hospital. We had a gift and letter for 'Y' and asked the nurse to deliver it to her and explain the meaning of the gift. We knew 'Y' was Catholic so we got her a rosary in the color of Landon's birthstone. Ron explained that, "God gave us the greatest gift he could, which was His son. And she was giving us the greatest gift she could, which was her son." The nurse reported back to us that she was very grateful for the gift and a few seconds later 'Y' showed up at our door in tears. We embraced her and thanked her for choosing us. We told her we would be praying for her heart, that we loved her, we grateful for her selflessness, and that we would give Landon the best life possible. I was so scared that she was going to change her mind because I could see what a hard time she was having so I flat out asked her if she was going to change her mind. She said, "No." Then I asked again, "Please don't lie to me, I just need to know if you are going to change your mind?" Once again she said, "No." She told us she needed to go and she left.
It was sad to say good bye, but we were so excited that we would be going home with Landon. It was a good sign that she left the hospital. We thought everything was going to be fine. We believed her when she said she wouldn't change her mind. Around 12:45 pm the following day (Sunday), our social worker called and gave us news that we weren't expecting. She told us that 'Y' had changed her mind and was going to take Landon back. We needed to say our good byes to Landon and leave the hospital. We couldn't believe that this was happening to us again. We couldn't even feel emotion at first. We felt numb. I held him tight and didn't want to let go. Within 30 minutes we had said our good byes and were being escorted out of the hospital by a nurse empty handed.
Ron and I didn't say a single word to each other on the 3 hour drive home. What was there to say? We were crushed. We didn't know why God had let this happen to us again. My faith was shaken and I felt guilty about that. We had lost 3 sons in 6 months. I felt like God didn't want us to have children and I was really upset about that. Why else would this keep happening? It seemed like we were so close, and then it was all taken away in the blink of an eye.
Until next time...
We met with 'Y' for about 30 minutes. It could best be described as awkward. We were complete strangers. She was really quiet but answered all of our questions. We were very careful with what we said. We felt like if we said the wrong thing she would change her mind. Ron did a great job of keeping the conversation flowing, but had so much nervous energy that he was dancing around and swaying from side to side. 'Y' had a friend with her that would be staying for her delivery. We were glad she had someone there to support her, but we didn't know if her friend supported her adoption plan. Who knew what her friend would be saying to her when we weren't with 'Y'. Would she be trying to change her mind about the adoption plan? At this point she was 1 cm dilated and wasn't feeling any contractions yet. 'Y' said she wanted to rest before she started progressing and would have her friend come get me when she woke up so we could visit some more. So we left and went to the waiting room thinking we would see her in an hour or two. 'Y's social worker informed us that 'Y' was unsure if she still wanted me in the delivery room. I was a little disappointed, but understood. I probably would want some stranger seeing 'ALL of me' either. I started to feel like maybe she didn't like me, even though the social worker told me that she was just feeling embarrassed. It was scary that she was already making changes to her birth plan. At this point 'Y's social worker left and told us that she would not be back. We were alone and were feeling very uneasy about that. We knew she was only a phone call away, but the unknown was very scary for us. Everything was completely out of our control. All we could do was wait and pray.
Three hours later we were still sitting in the waiting room. We hadn't heard from 'Y'. Was saying that she wanted to take a nap her way of getting us to leave her alone? We weren't about to go knock on her door, so we waited... and waited. At some point one of her nurses came out, saw the looks on our faces, and gave us an update. The nurse said, "She hadn't made any progress and that it was going to be a long day." That wasn't what we wanted to hear, but at least we finally knew something. A little while later we were told that 'Y's friend was going to be leaving and at that point I would be invited back into the room with her. I waited and waited, and her friend never left. At 3:45 pm the nurses seemed to start to feel pretty bad for us. They offered to put us in a postpartum room so we could be more comfortable. They said we would need a room after the baby was born anyway. We gladly accepted the offer. It was such a pick-me-up to change up the scenery and know that eventually we would be sharing this room with our son.
Once we were put in a hospital room, the nurses did a great job of keeping us informed of 'Y's progress. Around 7:30 pm, she was was 3 and a half cm dilated and was going to be getting an epidural. The nurse told us that she would probably be ready to push in 2 hours and that she did want me in the room with her when the time came. Exactly 2 hours later, the nurse was telling me it was time. I left Ron alone and was so happy for the opportunity to see my son be born. We were going to be having a Valentine's Day baby!
I really didn't know what to expect when I entered the delivery room. I made small talk and tried to encourage her. Out of no where 'Y' asked me how long Ron and I had been waiting for a baby to adopt. I figured now was as good of time as any to tell her the quick version our whole story. Through tears, I told her about 'C' and how she was a birth mom just like herself. I told her that I took 'C' to doctors appointments and built a relationship with her and then 'C' had the baby and changed her mind about adoption. Then I really started crying because I was trying to find the words to tell her about Sawyer. I told her about how much we loved Sawyer and how much it hurt when he was taken away from us. I told her that Ron had been such an amazing dad to Sawyer and that she shouldn't have any doubts about his parenting abilities. She had no idea our adoption journey has been so tough and I could tell she felt so bad for Ron and I. Even though it may not seem like it, telling our story brought such a good vibe to the room.
Soon after it was time for her to start pushing. She pushed him out in less than 5 contractions. He made his appearance at 10:02 pm. It was amazing to see him be born and hear his first cries. She didn't want to hold him and now wasn't sure if she wanted to see him. I was honored to be the first person to hold him. I loved him immediately and couldn't believe he was finally here. After I had about 10 minutes with him, 'Y' asked me to go get Ron so that he could see the baby. She decided at that point she did want to see and hold her baby. I was glad that she changed her mind about wanting to hold him, otherwise she would always wonder what it would've been like. I ran down the hall and got Ron. I found him on his knees praying. I was gone all of 2 minutes and 'Y' gladly handed the baby over to Ron. 'Y' asked us what we were going to name the baby and we told her, "Landon Hunter." She said she liked the name and then told us we could take the baby to our room. We thanked her immensely for the amazing gift she was giving us and told her we would check up on her later.
We spent the next 14 hours with Landon and enjoyed every moment of it. During this time we really started to believe that 'Y' was going to follow through with her adoption plan. We were told that she was doing well and was going to be discharged from the hospital that afternoon. We would be staying with Landon at the hospital until Monday morning. 'Y' had us officially name the baby and the birth certificate paperwork was processed. His legal name was Landon Hunter Sequeira. We couldn't believe that he was going to be a Sequeira from day one. At 12:35 pm she decided that she wanted to say good bye to Landon and she wanted to do it alone. We were nervous about their good bye, but knew it was an important part of the process for her to get some closure. We figured we would see Landon again within an hour or so. Landon was gone for over 5 hours. During this time Ron and I just sat and stared at each other, hoping that every noise we heard outside the door was him coming back to us. We let ourselves think that he wasn't coming back and that she was going to keep him. The nurses came in every so often giving us updates about what was going on between 'Y' and Landon. We were so thankful for such great nurses. They were all pro adoption and genuinely cared about us. We made several calls to our social worker in Fresno during that time, who did a great job of reassuring us and helped calm our nerves. We wished that 'Y's social worker would come to the hospital and give her the support she needed, but she didn't. At about 5:45 pm, one of the nurses helped give 'Y' the nudge she needed to finally hand Landon over. The nurse delivered him back to us and I cried tears of joy and relief. The nurse told us that 'Y' didn't want to see us before she left the hospital. We had a gift and letter for 'Y' and asked the nurse to deliver it to her and explain the meaning of the gift. We knew 'Y' was Catholic so we got her a rosary in the color of Landon's birthstone. Ron explained that, "God gave us the greatest gift he could, which was His son. And she was giving us the greatest gift she could, which was her son." The nurse reported back to us that she was very grateful for the gift and a few seconds later 'Y' showed up at our door in tears. We embraced her and thanked her for choosing us. We told her we would be praying for her heart, that we loved her, we grateful for her selflessness, and that we would give Landon the best life possible. I was so scared that she was going to change her mind because I could see what a hard time she was having so I flat out asked her if she was going to change her mind. She said, "No." Then I asked again, "Please don't lie to me, I just need to know if you are going to change your mind?" Once again she said, "No." She told us she needed to go and she left.
It was sad to say good bye, but we were so excited that we would be going home with Landon. It was a good sign that she left the hospital. We thought everything was going to be fine. We believed her when she said she wouldn't change her mind. Around 12:45 pm the following day (Sunday), our social worker called and gave us news that we weren't expecting. She told us that 'Y' had changed her mind and was going to take Landon back. We needed to say our good byes to Landon and leave the hospital. We couldn't believe that this was happening to us again. We couldn't even feel emotion at first. We felt numb. I held him tight and didn't want to let go. Within 30 minutes we had said our good byes and were being escorted out of the hospital by a nurse empty handed.
Ron and I didn't say a single word to each other on the 3 hour drive home. What was there to say? We were crushed. We didn't know why God had let this happen to us again. My faith was shaken and I felt guilty about that. We had lost 3 sons in 6 months. I felt like God didn't want us to have children and I was really upset about that. Why else would this keep happening? It seemed like we were so close, and then it was all taken away in the blink of an eye.
Until next time...
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Here We Go Again
I really thought the next time I would write a blog entry, I would have good news to share. Unfortunately, this next chapter of our adoption journey doesn't have a fairy tale ending and I'm beginning to fear that this horrible streak of bad luck will never turn around. But before I get too ahead of myself I will rewind back to where I left off last time.
Within a week of Sawyer being taken from us, our adoption agency had two potential birth mothers that would be picking adoptive families soon and wanted to know if we wanted to be in the running to be picked. The first birth mom, "J", was 19 years old, immature, had no other children, claimed to have no desire to parent her baby, was practically homeless, and the birth father was in jail. The second birth mom, "Y", was 37 years old, had 4 other children, didn't feel like she could support her baby financially, and the birth father was not in the picture and never would be. Ron and I had a difficult time picking which birth mother we should pursue because we were still grieving the loss of Sawyer and only wanted him back. We decided that we wanted to be considered by 'J' when she was ready to pick an adoptive family. 'Y's story seemed too similar to 'C's story (the birth mom in our first failed adoption in August 2013). We knew we were unfairly judging 'Y', but we couldn't help it. We felt that if 'Y' already had four kids, what's one more? In the beginning of January we found out that we had been picked by 'J'. She was due January 31 and was having a boy. I wasn't happy. In fact, I cried for hours and hours. When I had got the call that afternoon and was told by the adoption agency they had good news, I had let myself think that Sawyer was coming back. So naturally I was crushed when that wasn't the 'good news' they had for us. We had prayed and prayed that God make his 'Yes' and 'No' very clear to us so that we would know if we were making the decisions He wanted us to make. A few days later the agency informed us that they had 'unmatched' us from 'J' because they found out that she had been lying about her current relationship with the birth father and was already wavering on her adoption plan. They told 'J' that if she still wanted to make an adoption plan after the baby was born to contact the agency. I was so relieved and happy when we found out that we had been unmatched. God's 'No' couldn't have been more clear.
A couple days after we were unmatched from J, I got an email from our social worker that started with the words, "Please don't shoot me. I know you already passed on this birth mom but it just so happens that she decided not to pick a family until after the holidays... If you still don't feel good about it then delete this email and forget I brought it up again." Because we are so cautious now I asked an annoying amount of questions and tried to get as much info on this birth mom as we could. We prayed and prayed and didn't feel like we were getting a clear yes or no. So we did what any mature adults would do... We flipped a coin. The coin said, "Go for it!" With more prayer we decided that we should go for it. After all, it didn't mean that she was going to pick us anyway. We had faith that if God didn't think this was the right birth mom that He wouldn't let her pick us. It's not every day you get a redo on a decision you already made. Once we realized that 'Y' and 'C' are not the same person, we started to feel better about her. Just because 'C' broke our hearts didn't mean that 'Y' would break our hearts as well. On the day 'Y' was supposed to pick an adoptive family, she narrowed her decision down to us and one other family. She said she needed some time to think it over. We were told that most birth moms look at a few pictures, don't read the 'Dear Birth Mom' letter, and choose a family in under 5 minutes. We were glad she wasn't making a hasty decision. Relinquishing her baby would be the most difficult thing she would ever do and we wanted her to be 100% sure of her decision. A week went by and we hadn't heard anything. We assumed she picked the other family and we were okay with that because that would be God's way of telling us 'no'. We were very surprised when we got the call the next day that she had picked us. A moment that should be a joyous one, was not. We felt indifferent. All our previous experiences had hardened us. Why be excited about a baby that she will probably decide to keep? If we didn't get excited about this baby, then it wouldn't hurt as bad if we don't get to keep him. It was our way of guarding our hearts.
A couple of days later on 1/24/14 a conference call was setup between 'Y' and her social worker & Ron, myself, and our social worker. The social workers felt it was important that she hear our voices, ask us questions, and hear that we are real and more than just two people in a picture. The phone meeting went very well. She had great questions to ask us. One of the questions she asked was, "Could we love a baby that might not look like us?" It took every thing in me not to tell her about Sawyer and how much we loved him. I knew the time wasn't appropriate, but I knew that if she heard our story that she wouldn't have any doubt in her mind that we would love her child more than anything. She also asked, "How would we handle telling him that he is adopted?" We told her, "He would always know that he was adopted. It wouldn't be some huge secret. He would know about his birth mom and how much she loved him. We told her he would always know how grateful we were that she chose us to be his adoptive parents." As we were wrapping up our conversation, I was blind sided when she asked me if I would be in the room with her when she delivered her baby. I told her, "I would love to be there when he was born, as long as she was comfortable with it." Her due date was 2/21/14 and would be delivering in Davis, CA. We felt a lot better about the whole situation after we spoke with her. We were still very guarded, but let ourselves feel a glimmer of hope. Adoption works out for adoptive families all time time, maybe this time we would get our forever child. Maybe our streak of horribly bad luck would be over.
Ron and I decided that this time around we weren't going to tell anyone, not even our families, that we had been matched with a birth mother again. We didn't want to get anyones hopes up. Plus, we thought it would be easier to not have a bunch of explaining to do when it didn't work out again. We didn't want to be so negative about the situation, but can you blame us? When we found out that she was going to be induced on 2/14/14, we realized we were going to need a dog-sitter for our spoiled dogs. Ron's parents always watch the dogs for us when we go out of town. So two days before inducement we told our parents. They were more excited than I thought they would be. They definitely weren't guarded like we were. We asked them not to tell anyone.
It felt like Valentine's Day would never come, but it did. We left the house at 4am, arrived at the hospital by 7am, and put on our brave faces. We were going to meet 'Y' for the first time and hopefully we would meet our forever child a few hours later. Little did we know what a stressful, emotional and exhausting day it would turn out to be.
Until next time...
Within a week of Sawyer being taken from us, our adoption agency had two potential birth mothers that would be picking adoptive families soon and wanted to know if we wanted to be in the running to be picked. The first birth mom, "J", was 19 years old, immature, had no other children, claimed to have no desire to parent her baby, was practically homeless, and the birth father was in jail. The second birth mom, "Y", was 37 years old, had 4 other children, didn't feel like she could support her baby financially, and the birth father was not in the picture and never would be. Ron and I had a difficult time picking which birth mother we should pursue because we were still grieving the loss of Sawyer and only wanted him back. We decided that we wanted to be considered by 'J' when she was ready to pick an adoptive family. 'Y's story seemed too similar to 'C's story (the birth mom in our first failed adoption in August 2013). We knew we were unfairly judging 'Y', but we couldn't help it. We felt that if 'Y' already had four kids, what's one more? In the beginning of January we found out that we had been picked by 'J'. She was due January 31 and was having a boy. I wasn't happy. In fact, I cried for hours and hours. When I had got the call that afternoon and was told by the adoption agency they had good news, I had let myself think that Sawyer was coming back. So naturally I was crushed when that wasn't the 'good news' they had for us. We had prayed and prayed that God make his 'Yes' and 'No' very clear to us so that we would know if we were making the decisions He wanted us to make. A few days later the agency informed us that they had 'unmatched' us from 'J' because they found out that she had been lying about her current relationship with the birth father and was already wavering on her adoption plan. They told 'J' that if she still wanted to make an adoption plan after the baby was born to contact the agency. I was so relieved and happy when we found out that we had been unmatched. God's 'No' couldn't have been more clear.
A couple days after we were unmatched from J, I got an email from our social worker that started with the words, "Please don't shoot me. I know you already passed on this birth mom but it just so happens that she decided not to pick a family until after the holidays... If you still don't feel good about it then delete this email and forget I brought it up again." Because we are so cautious now I asked an annoying amount of questions and tried to get as much info on this birth mom as we could. We prayed and prayed and didn't feel like we were getting a clear yes or no. So we did what any mature adults would do... We flipped a coin. The coin said, "Go for it!" With more prayer we decided that we should go for it. After all, it didn't mean that she was going to pick us anyway. We had faith that if God didn't think this was the right birth mom that He wouldn't let her pick us. It's not every day you get a redo on a decision you already made. Once we realized that 'Y' and 'C' are not the same person, we started to feel better about her. Just because 'C' broke our hearts didn't mean that 'Y' would break our hearts as well. On the day 'Y' was supposed to pick an adoptive family, she narrowed her decision down to us and one other family. She said she needed some time to think it over. We were told that most birth moms look at a few pictures, don't read the 'Dear Birth Mom' letter, and choose a family in under 5 minutes. We were glad she wasn't making a hasty decision. Relinquishing her baby would be the most difficult thing she would ever do and we wanted her to be 100% sure of her decision. A week went by and we hadn't heard anything. We assumed she picked the other family and we were okay with that because that would be God's way of telling us 'no'. We were very surprised when we got the call the next day that she had picked us. A moment that should be a joyous one, was not. We felt indifferent. All our previous experiences had hardened us. Why be excited about a baby that she will probably decide to keep? If we didn't get excited about this baby, then it wouldn't hurt as bad if we don't get to keep him. It was our way of guarding our hearts.
A couple of days later on 1/24/14 a conference call was setup between 'Y' and her social worker & Ron, myself, and our social worker. The social workers felt it was important that she hear our voices, ask us questions, and hear that we are real and more than just two people in a picture. The phone meeting went very well. She had great questions to ask us. One of the questions she asked was, "Could we love a baby that might not look like us?" It took every thing in me not to tell her about Sawyer and how much we loved him. I knew the time wasn't appropriate, but I knew that if she heard our story that she wouldn't have any doubt in her mind that we would love her child more than anything. She also asked, "How would we handle telling him that he is adopted?" We told her, "He would always know that he was adopted. It wouldn't be some huge secret. He would know about his birth mom and how much she loved him. We told her he would always know how grateful we were that she chose us to be his adoptive parents." As we were wrapping up our conversation, I was blind sided when she asked me if I would be in the room with her when she delivered her baby. I told her, "I would love to be there when he was born, as long as she was comfortable with it." Her due date was 2/21/14 and would be delivering in Davis, CA. We felt a lot better about the whole situation after we spoke with her. We were still very guarded, but let ourselves feel a glimmer of hope. Adoption works out for adoptive families all time time, maybe this time we would get our forever child. Maybe our streak of horribly bad luck would be over.
Ron and I decided that this time around we weren't going to tell anyone, not even our families, that we had been matched with a birth mother again. We didn't want to get anyones hopes up. Plus, we thought it would be easier to not have a bunch of explaining to do when it didn't work out again. We didn't want to be so negative about the situation, but can you blame us? When we found out that she was going to be induced on 2/14/14, we realized we were going to need a dog-sitter for our spoiled dogs. Ron's parents always watch the dogs for us when we go out of town. So two days before inducement we told our parents. They were more excited than I thought they would be. They definitely weren't guarded like we were. We asked them not to tell anyone.
It felt like Valentine's Day would never come, but it did. We left the house at 4am, arrived at the hospital by 7am, and put on our brave faces. We were going to meet 'Y' for the first time and hopefully we would meet our forever child a few hours later. Little did we know what a stressful, emotional and exhausting day it would turn out to be.
Until next time...
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