Not Again!

Nervousness doesn't even begin to explain how Ron and I felt when we arrived at the hospital on Valentine's Day. We had no idea how the day was going to play out. Would 'Y' be happy with her choice of picking us as adoptive parents once she met us? Did she even show up to be induced? Was she going to change her birth plan? Would she change her mind about not wanting to see him, hold him, or care for him? Would she still want me in the delivery room when the baby was born? Would I pass out from witnessing the nasty miracle of life (because I don't do so well with blood and other bodily fluids that are meant to stay in the body)? How long would she labor for? Would she actually follow through with relinquishing her baby to us?  All of these questions and more were running through my mind as we waited for 'Y's social worker to arrive to make introductions. We were set to meet at 8:00 am. The social worker must have decided that we weren't nervous enough because she didn't arrive until 9:15 am.

We met with 'Y' for about 30 minutes. It could best be described as awkward. We were complete strangers. She was really quiet but answered all of our questions. We were very careful with what we said. We felt like if we said the wrong thing she would change her mind. Ron did a great job of keeping the conversation flowing, but had so much nervous energy that he was dancing around and swaying from side to side. 'Y' had a friend with her that would be staying for her delivery. We were glad she had someone there to support her, but we didn't know if her friend supported her adoption plan. Who knew what her friend would be saying to her when we weren't with 'Y'. Would she be trying to change her mind about the adoption plan? At this point she was 1 cm dilated and wasn't feeling any contractions yet. 'Y' said she wanted to rest before she started progressing and would have her friend come get me when she woke up so we could visit some more.  So we left and went to the waiting room thinking we would see her in an hour or two. 'Y's social worker informed us that 'Y' was unsure if she still wanted me in the delivery room. I was a little disappointed, but understood. I probably would want some stranger seeing 'ALL of me' either. I started to feel like maybe she didn't like me, even though the social worker told me that she was just feeling embarrassed. It was scary that she was already making changes to her birth plan. At this point 'Y's social worker left and told us that she would not be back. We were alone and were feeling very uneasy about that. We knew she was only a phone call away, but the unknown was very scary for us. Everything was completely out of our control.  All we could do was wait and pray.

Three hours later we were still sitting in the waiting room. We hadn't heard from 'Y'. Was saying that she wanted to take a nap her way of getting us to leave her alone? We weren't about to go knock on her door, so we waited... and waited. At some point one of her nurses came out, saw the looks on our faces, and gave us an update. The nurse said, "She hadn't made any progress and that it was going to be a long day." That wasn't what we wanted to hear, but at least we finally knew something. A little while later we were told that 'Y's friend was going to be leaving and at that point I would be invited back into the room with her. I waited and waited, and her friend never left. At 3:45 pm the nurses seemed to start to feel pretty bad for us. They offered to put us in a postpartum room so we could be more comfortable. They said we would need a room after the baby was born anyway. We gladly accepted the offer. It was such a pick-me-up to change up the scenery and know that eventually we would be sharing this room with our son.

Once we were put in a hospital room, the nurses did a great job of keeping us informed of 'Y's progress. Around 7:30 pm, she was was 3 and a half cm dilated and was going to be getting an epidural. The nurse told us that she would probably be ready to push in 2 hours and that she did want me in the room with her when the time came. Exactly 2 hours later, the nurse was telling me it was time. I left Ron alone and was so happy for the opportunity to see my son be born. We were going to be having a Valentine's Day baby!

I really didn't know what to expect when I entered the delivery room. I made small talk and tried to encourage her. Out of no where 'Y' asked me how long Ron and I had been waiting for a baby to adopt. I figured now was as good of time as any to tell her the quick version our whole story. Through tears, I told her about 'C' and how she was a birth mom just like herself. I told her that I took 'C' to doctors appointments and built a relationship with her and then 'C' had the baby and changed her mind about adoption. Then I really started crying because I was trying to find the words to tell her about Sawyer. I told her about how much we loved Sawyer and how much it hurt when he was taken away from us. I told her that Ron had been such an amazing dad to Sawyer and that she shouldn't have any doubts about his parenting abilities. She had no idea our adoption journey has been so tough and I could tell she felt so bad for Ron and I. Even though it may not seem like it, telling our story brought such a good vibe to the room.

Soon after it was time for her to start pushing. She pushed him out in less than 5 contractions. He made his appearance at 10:02 pm. It was amazing to see him be born and hear his first cries. She didn't want to hold him and now wasn't sure if she wanted to see him. I was honored to be the first person to hold him. I loved him immediately and couldn't believe he was finally here. After I had about 10 minutes with him, 'Y' asked me to go get Ron so that he could see the baby. She decided at that point she did want to see and hold her baby. I was glad that she changed her mind about wanting to hold him, otherwise she would always wonder what it would've been like. I ran down the hall and got Ron. I found him on his knees praying. I was gone all of 2 minutes and 'Y' gladly handed the baby over to Ron. 'Y' asked us what we were going to name the baby and we told her, "Landon Hunter." She said she liked the name and then told us we could take the baby to our room. We thanked her immensely for the amazing gift she was giving us and told her we would check up on her later.

We spent the next 14 hours with Landon and enjoyed every moment of it. During this time we really started to believe that 'Y' was going to follow through with her adoption plan. We were told that she was doing well and was going to be discharged from the hospital that afternoon. We would be staying with Landon at the hospital until Monday morning. 'Y' had us officially name the baby and the birth certificate paperwork was processed. His legal name was Landon Hunter Sequeira. We couldn't believe that he was going to be a Sequeira from day one. At 12:35 pm she decided that she wanted to say good bye to Landon and she wanted to do it alone. We were nervous about their good bye, but knew it was an important part of the process for her to get some closure. We figured we would see Landon again within an hour or so. Landon was gone for over 5 hours. During this time Ron and I just sat and stared at each other, hoping that every noise we heard outside the door was him coming back to us. We let ourselves think that he wasn't coming back and that she was going to keep him. The nurses came in every so often giving us updates about what was going on between 'Y' and Landon. We were so thankful for such great nurses. They were all pro adoption and genuinely cared about us. We made several calls to our social worker in Fresno during that time, who did a great job of reassuring us and helped calm our nerves. We wished that 'Y's social worker would come to the hospital and give her the support she needed, but she didn't. At about 5:45 pm, one of the nurses helped give 'Y' the nudge she needed to finally hand Landon over. The nurse delivered him back to us and I cried tears of joy and relief. The nurse told us that 'Y' didn't want to see us before she left the hospital. We had a gift and letter for 'Y' and asked the nurse to deliver it to her and explain the meaning of the gift. We knew 'Y' was Catholic so we got her a rosary in the color of Landon's birthstone. Ron explained that, "God gave us the greatest gift he could, which was His son. And she was giving us the greatest gift she could, which was her son." The nurse reported back to us that she was very grateful for the gift and a few seconds later 'Y' showed up at our door in tears. We embraced her and thanked her for choosing us. We told her we would be praying for her heart, that we loved her, we grateful for her selflessness, and that we would give Landon the best life possible. I was so scared that she was going to change her mind because I could see what a hard time she was having so I flat out asked her if she was going to change her mind. She said, "No." Then I asked again, "Please don't lie to me, I just need to know if you are going to change your mind?" Once again she said, "No." She told us she needed to go and she left.

It was sad to say good bye, but we were so excited that we would be going home with Landon. It was a good sign that she left the hospital. We thought everything was going to be fine. We believed her when she said she wouldn't change her mind. Around 12:45 pm the following day (Sunday), our social worker called and gave us news that we weren't expecting. She told us that 'Y' had changed her mind and was going to take Landon back. We needed to say our good byes to Landon and leave the hospital. We couldn't believe that this was happening to us again. We couldn't even feel emotion at first. We felt numb. I held him tight and didn't want to let go. Within 30 minutes we had said our good byes and were being escorted out of the hospital by a nurse empty handed.

Ron and I didn't say a single word to each other on the 3 hour drive home. What was there to say? We were crushed. We didn't know why God had let this happen to us again. My faith was shaken and I felt guilty about that. We had lost 3 sons in 6 months. I felt like God didn't want us to have children and I was really upset about that. Why else would this keep happening? It seemed like we were so close, and then it was all taken away in the blink of an eye.

Until next time...