A Beacon of Light

When we arrived home without Landon, I completely fell apart. All I could do was cry. I cried over the loss of another son, cried over the fact that I had absolutely no hope that we would ever receive our forever child, and cried because it just didn't seem fair that we were going through this again. I never felt anger towards 'Y'. I didn't blame her for what she decided. I felt that she needed emotional support and reassurance and that she didn't receive it when she needed it the most. We were mad at her social worker for not providing this to her. We felt that if our social worker could've been her social worker that we would've went home with Landon. Maybe we just needed someone to blame.

We spent the next day (Monday) grieving. For me, this meant looking through all the pictures we took of him at the hospital and blogging about what had happened. We talked about him, laughed at the funny things he did during our short time with him, and cried. Monday evening Ron received a call from our social worker. There was a birth mom in Modesto that had a baby boy on Sunday. She was making an adoption plan for him and would be picking a family first thing the following morning.  Our social worker wanted to know if we wanted our profile to be shown to her. She knew we were still grieving, but she also knew that the situation was ideal. When Ron relayed the info to me, I said, "Yes" without even thinking about it. Even though I missed Landon and wanted him back, I knew that the only thing that would really fix our broken hearts would be to have another baby in the house. The short time that we spent with Landon, was the only time my heart didn't ache over the loss of Sawyer. He wiggled his way into our hearts and made everything we had been through up to that point seem like no big deal.

I tried to not be too hopeful that we would be chosen, but it was nice to have something to cling on to. I knew our chances were slim. We didn't pray that we would be chosen, but prayed that God's will would be done and that we would be okay with whatever happened. Tuesday morning came and my stomach was in knots. I was nervous about what this birth mom would decide and I was also sad about Landon. It was a strange mix of feelings. Ron had went to work that day, so I was all alone as I waited for news. 11:30 am came and went and we hadn't heard anything. I had started to believe that she had chose another family. I was upset that every single time our profile had been shown in the past to other birth mothers it had been chosen, so why was it not chosen this time? In the mean time, my mom had called to check up on me and I blurted out how sad I was about Landon and how sad I was about us not being picked by the birth mom in Modesto.

Not even 10 minutes after talking to my mom, our social worker called me. She asked how I was doing and I said, "I was hanging in there." She told me, "You just need to hang in there a little bit longer because you are going to Modesto today. That birth mom picked you guys." I couldn't believe it! Was this really happening? We conference called Ron to tell him the news. He needed to drop everything at work because we needed to be in Modesto as soon as possible. The baby was ready to be discharged from the hospital and he would be discharged to us.

It was so strange to go from being so sad to so happy. The events of the weekend were still in the back of my mind, but maybe this time everything would work out. I joked with Ron that I now had a good idea of what it must feel like to have Bipolor Disorder because over the weekend I was happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, happy, sad, sad, sad, and now extremely happy again. What a roller coaster it had been.

Our first stop was the Modesto Family Connections Christian Adoption Agency. There we signed some paperwork and then waited for the birth mother to arrive because she wanted to meet us and give us a hug. She arrived with the birth father and her dad (birth grandfather), who were both very supportive of her decision. This time around everything felt so different. They were so genuine and seemed so sure of their decision. They kept thanking us for wanting to adopt their baby, when it seemed like Ron and I should be the only ones saying thank you. The birth mom was so strong and only cried once when telling us the details of her her pregnancy and birth story. Ron and I could tell that this time around things would be different, which was strange to feel with everything we have been through. Everything seemed so easy. She had already signed paperwork earlier in the day and chose to not place a hold it (Birth mothers are allowed to place up to a 30 day hold on the paperwork to terminate their rights in case they are unsure of their decision and want the option of changing their minds). It takes up to 10 business days for the State to clear him for adoption and for parental rights to be terminated. So by March 5, 2014 we will be able to breathe a sigh of relief. At that point we would have nothing to worry about and would just have to wait 6 months before we can finalize the adoption.

We anxiously waited for all the loose ends to be tied up before we could finally go meet our son. We assumed he would be a cutie because his birth parents were both very good looking people. All we knew was that he had white hair. When we finally laid eyes on him in the nursery of the hospital, I couldn't help but giggle at his cuteness. He looked like a little viking! His hair was so white it was like a beacon of light and his cheeks were so chubby it looked like he was storing nuts for the winter. No wonder some random employee at the hospital seriously wanted to adopt him, but our agency told them, "No". Our first meeting with him was not at all rushed. We got to feed him, cuddle him, take pictures, and dress him in his coming home outfit. His nurses were so interested in our story and were so happy for all of us that they cried and gave us hugs. On our way out of the hospital several nurses stopped and commented on his bright hair. I wasn't lying when I described it as a beacon of light.

We couldn't wait to get him in the Jeep and drive him home. That definitely made it feel more real. It wasn't until the drive home that we made phone calls and started to spread our good news. No one could hardly believe our news because it was only 2 days before that we had horrific news. My favorite responses were screams and high pitched squeals. We've had 4 sons in 6 months time, but now it all seems worth it. It's like we've been waiting all along for this little boy.  

We've named our 7 pound 12 ounce, 21.5 inch little viking 'Lucas Finn'. However, this is not his legal name yet. 'Lucas' means 'light' and this little guy definitely brought some light to our lives during a very dark time. And 'Finn' means 'small blonde soldier'. Need I say more?

Until Next Time...