"...I know you might not want to hear from me, but I just wanted to apologize for being a coward and not following through with the adoption. I know that I caused you and Ron a great deal of pain and for that I am truly sorry. It wasn't my intention. Please don't think that I didn't like you guys as adoptive parents because that wasn't it... I changed my mind about the adoption. And as much as this hurts and breaks my heart to say, I need to stop being selfish and think about where my baby will be better off. I know that adoption is the best thing for my child... I'm doing the responsible thing and helping give my child a life he deserves to live. And I know you and Ron can provide that for my baby... I don't know if you guys are still willing, or want to continue the adoption process. If not, I understand..."I couldn't believe it. When we went home without Landon, I hoped this would happen but I never actually believed 'Y' would change her mind. Ron was out doing an errand for me when I received this text, so as I waited for him to return home my mind was running wild. I read the text over and over and over again just to make sure I had read it correctly. I wasn't dreaming, this was real.
Ron looked stunned as I read him the text message. Of course we wanted Landon. Even though we only spent a short time with him, we loved him and considered him our son. After all, he was a Sequeira. We tried to figure out if it was in the realm of possibilities to take on another newborn. Sounds crazy, right? It didn't take long for us to start thinking logically. It wouldn't be fair to Lucas if he had to share our attention with Landon. It wouldn't be fair to Lucas' birth mom who picked us knowing that we had no other children and that he would be receiving all of our attention. Our bank account would be taking another major dip if we had to pay more adoption fees. Yes, it would be worth every penny to have Landon but that doesn't make it the right decision. It would be different if it was twins because that is 'buy one, get one free'! It would be double the diapers and formula (it's not like I can breast feed and save tons of money). We felt so torn. We loved Landon. We loved him enough to decide that he would probably be better off with another family that wanted to adopt. It would almost seem kind of greedy to take two babies in such a short amount of time when there are other families out there waiting for their forever child. But at the same time, this could be our only chance at having 2 children. After everything we've gone through, we are not interested in growing our family of 3. Our hearts can't take anymore. I felt guilty that we decided to not take Landon.
We called our social worker to tell her what happened. She told us she already knew that 'Y' had changed her mind. She apologized for not telling us and said she didn't want to confuse us, but was going to tell us eventually. I didn't blame her. I certainly did feel confused. She had forgotten that 'Y' had my phone number, so that we could be in contact at the hospital if she needed me. Our social worker told us that 'Y' had contacted the adoption agency and told them she changed her mind and wanted to place Landon with us. 'Y's social worker told her that we were 'unavailable' and that she could pick another family. If she decided to pick another family, she would need to sign paperwork to terminate her rights immediately and Landon would be placed with a foster family for 10 business days until her rights were officially terminated. She was too much of a risk to do it any other way. 'Y' made it clear that she only wanted to place Landon with us, which made me feel worse about our decision. 'Y' had no idea we had Lucas. 'Y' must have contacted us herself because she needed to hear for herself that we really were 'unavailable'.
Our social worker told us it was our choice whether or not we wanted to respond back to her. We felt it was only fair that we be honest with her. We knew it wasn't easy for her to send that text message to us.
"I really appreciate your apology. It means a lot. We were devastated when you changed your mind. We loved your baby so much and were so excited to be his parents. We couldn't believe that once again another adoption plan had failed. We really believed we were never going to be parents. On Tuesday another birth mom picked us and we brought Lucas home that night. We really wish we could be parents to your baby and Lucas but we don't think it would be fair to them or to Lucas' birth mom. If you really do feel that adoption is best for your baby then I would encourage you to pick another family. I really wish were were able to adopt him. It's really hard to say no, but we have to. We will be praying for you as you figure out what you want to do. We would love to know what you decide. Give that handsome little boy our love!"We haven't heard back from 'Y' and neither has the adoption agency, despite their efforts to reach out to her. For all we know, her keeping Landon might've been the right decision all along. 'Y' keeping Landon caused us a lot of pain but that brought us to Lucas, who has brought us so much joy. All we can do is pray that Landon is receiving the love and care that he deserves.
Until next time...
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