Life after losing Sawyer has been difficult. Nothing could've prepared us for what this would feel like. Ron and I have been a whirlwind of intense emotions and have never cried so much. The one emotion we both were unprepared for was just a feeling of emptiness or nothingness. I had no idea how we would manage to get through those first few days without him, but we did.
It seemed like an accomplishment to do activities of daily living like getting out of bed, showering, and eating 3 meals a day. Without Ron putting food in front of me and telling me to eat, I probably wouldn't have eaten for days. I didn't see the point. Food wasn't going to make my heart hurt any less. We've both now reached the point in our grieving where food is our friend...
It was a strange feeling to one moment have your whole life revolve around the needs of an adorable helpless little baby and then one moment have nobody to take care of other than my husband. I miss everything about being a mom. I miss not sleeping, changing diapers, cleaning bottles, doing his laundry, and calming him when he's screaming in my ear. I miss all the things that other moms love to moan and complain about. I miss seeing Ron with Sawyer and seeing how great of a dad he was to him. I miss how complete our family felt when we had Sawyer. Ron and I have each other, but it still feels lonely.
I spent a lot of time in Sawyer's room the first week that he was gone. I like to sit in the rocking chair and just look around his room and cry over the loss of him. I like to look at all the things we bought for him and touch all his clothes. It's hard for me to imagine his room belonging to another child, not only because it's hard to picture the adoption of a child actually working out for us, but because I feel that everything in that nursery belongs to Sawyer. I don't want a different baby to put in the nursery, I want Sawyer back in the nursery. I have a pile of clean laundry in his crib that I just can't bear to fold and put away. I want to because I love folding his tiny cute clothes, but once I do it, I don't get to do it again. After everything that happened with C in August, we closed the nursery room door and kept it closed until Sawyer came home with us. This time around the door is open. I have no desire to shut it. I look inside every time I walk by. It's a reminder of the happiness we had and also of the sadness we now feel.
There are reminders of Sawyer all over our home. We've displayed pictures of him and we still haven't taken the swing out of the living room or one of his many pacifiers off of the coffee table. It would be like officially saying goodbye to Sawyer and that we are 100% certain that he's not coming back. We aren't ready to do that yet, as pathetic as that may sound. It's definitely less pathetic than me wearing the same dirty jeans for 3 days in a row after he was taken that he peed all over on his last day with us. I know that it was gross but I didn't care. It was a memory of him and it was strangely comforting. Ron and my Dad constructed a star in lights that is hung in one of our redwood trees in memory of our time with Sawyer. This was extremely important to Ron because he picked a random star in the sky for me back when we were dating and we always look for it in the sky. Ron didn't have a chance to pick a star for Sawyer while he was with us, so he constructed his own. Ron goes outside every night and looks at Sawyer's star and prays for him. It's sweet but breaks my heart when he comes back inside and I can tell he has been crying.
Five days after Sawyer was taken I received a call from Department of Social Services. They were calling to schedule visitation with his birth mom. It took everything in me to not yell at the person on the other end of the line even though I knew that person wasn't responsible for this mess. I couldn't believe that Social Services was so disorganized that 5 days after he was taken they still hadn't updated their records to show where Sawyer's new home was. His birth mom had not called to schedule visitation in 3 weeks. So part of me was thrilled that his new family would have to deal with the inconvenience of driving from Sacramento to Fresno 2 times per week for a 1 hour visit for the foreseeable future (at least 6 months) with their 3 biological children (the oldest child is 5 years old) and his half sister. The other part of me felt bad that Sawyer would be stuck in a car seat for long periods of time.
Going back to work has been difficult for both of us. The "How is your baby?" or "How do you like being a mom/dad?" questions seem to be never ending. These questions are hard to answer because we don't want to be rude but don't want to get into the details either. Most of the time our answers are filled with tears, which is embarrassing. We are both getting better at putting on a happy face and pretending to be fine. Fake it until you make it, right?
The one positive aspect to this horrible situation we have went through is that I've learned a lot about grieving. I've learned from others what should be said in trying times and what shouldn't be said. I have never known what to say other than "I'm sorry" and always felt like that was lame. Now from my own experience I can say that I would rather people only say "I'm sorry" and then stop talking. It's okay to not know what to say. Sometimes a hug can say it all. We are not looking for advice, especially when the people trying to offer advice have a perfect little family and have no idea what we are going through. I can't figure out why there is this stigma that people who are grieving want to be left alone. We didn't need space. We wanted to feel loved and to be distracted from our pain. We started to get the impression that people were afraid of us. Why else would there be this eerie silence? The only phone calls I've received or visitors we've received in the past 17 days are from my parents. I know that the world doesn't revolve around us but it felt like our lives were at a standstill and everyone else went on with their happy lives. Please note that I'm not looking for apologies or trying to make anyone feel bad. I'm merely expressing how I have felt. Thank you to those of you that sent flowers, cards, or text messages of encouragement. It means more than you know.
The burning question only few have been ballsy enough to ask is, "What are we going to do now?" We are going to continue our search for our 'forever child'. As much as I don't want to put any other child back in the nursery other than Sawyer, I can't be naive. Putting another child in there feels like I am replacing him even though I know he can never be replaced. Although, we are pretty sure that the only thing that is going to make us feel better is to have a baby in the house again. And if we are blessed with a girl next time, she might have to dress like a boy because we have so many boy clothes. The day after Sawyer was taken Department of Social Services was already trying to place other children with us. Really? They steal him from us because of their own mistake and then 'try to make it better' by seeing if we want a 3 month old. Then a few days later they had a 3 year old, then a 2 year old, then a 6 month old. The worst was a newborn whose birth mom died during childbirth, but there was an uncle coming from out of state hoping to be eligible for placement. The birthfather ended up showing up a few days later and taking the baby. Our social worker yelled at them for this last 'possibility'. I think it's safe to say that Social Services knows they screwed up. None of these possibilities felt right. Maybe because it's too soon or maybe because these children aren't meant to have us as parents. We aren't trying to be picky, but we want a newborn. One month or younger to be exact. I think with everything we haven been through we are allowed to be somewhat picky. Only time will tell if the next child we bring into our home will be another foster child or from a birth mom that has specifically chosen us. We've seen first hand that either way it is risky. Both ways have failed us. In the mean time we will continue to let our hearts heal, try to live life as normally as possible, and pray for a miracle.
Until next time...
We Opt To Adopt
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
31 Days With Sawyer
The past 6 weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions. It has been the happiest time of my life and also the saddest. We knew it would be risky to take placement of a child in the foster care system, but the reason Sawyer was taken away was not a risk that we were informed of. The Department of Social Services screwed up big time (and they know it) and our hearts have paid the price for their mistake.
The time we got to spend being parents to Sawyer was wonderful. He stole our hearts faster than we imagined. It's the fact that he was a foster child that made some of the time we had him not so fun. For example, it was court mandated that his birth mom have visits with him 2 times per week for an hour each visit. You have no idea how hard it was to take MY baby downtown to Child Protective Services and hand him off to his birth mom. Yes, the visits were supervised but this doesn't make it any easier. Ron and I would just take turns crying in the waiting room for an hour and wonder what is going on. And occasionally make unnecessary trips to the bathroom to spy on them. Then the birth mom would come out holding MY baby and give him kisses goodbye. The birth mom would make comments like, "Thanks for taking care of MY baby." All the while I just wanted to scream, "He's not yours. He's mine! You lost the privilege of being his mom." Sawyer would come home smelling like her perfume. I would change his clothes and give him baths and he would still smell like her. The smell of her perfume would literally make me sick to my stomach. He would have spit up all over his clothes and be in dire need of a diaper change. Seriously, all she had to do to keep his clothes clean was follow my instructions of 'feed upright, burp every ounce, and keep upright for 20 minutes after.' It's not that hard. As Ron would say, "Don't mess with Mama Bear..." And yes I know that it was just as hard for the birth mom to see Ron and I with Sawyer but she has had so many chances to prove herself as a good mother and has failed each and every time.
We had Sawyer home for 2 weeks before things started to unravel. First, we found out that Sawyer has an 11 month old half sister that was unaccounted for and lives in Sacramento County. She was in the process of being adopted by the foster family she had been living with. At first we were told that this was good news that she was being adopted and that it would help our case in court. The next day we were informed that this family from Sacramento County found out about Sawyer and want to take placement of him, which is a fancy way of saying 'steal him from us'. When they took placement of his half sister they signed a contract that stated that they would have first dibs on any subsequent children for this particular birth mom. Plus, there is a new law that states that foster families have rights to take placement of siblings, whether whole or half siblings. We were told that the Department of Social Services (DSS) was on our side and that they wanted us to keep Sawyer. They said that there were reasons why this family in Sacramento shouldn't take placement of Sawyer. We were super nervous and scared, but had a little hope based upon this information. DSS tried to blame their mistake of placing Sawyer with us on the fact that they were rushed to find a home him. Two weeks passed by and we heard nothing from DSS. Our adoption agency tried to make contact with them and they never responded. Deep down I knew something bad was brewing and I was right. On Monday December 9 we got a call that said that family from Sacramento was meeting with DSS right now about Sawyer. We were told that the family would be making their decision by noon the following day. That family was told about us. They knew that we are unable to conceive on our own, that we had a failed adoption over the summer, and that we love Sawyer as our own child. That family said they had a foster child for 6 months before and had it taken away so that they 'know what we are going through'. In my opinion, the hurt they felt from having a foster child taken away isn't the same amount of hurt we would feel because they have biological children of their own. They have no idea what it feels like to have their first born child taken away and that's what Sawyer is to us. He's our first child, our first born. On Tuesday December 10 we were informed that the family from Sacramento would be taking Sawyer away from us. They heard our story and they didn't care. We were told we had until Friday with Sawyer. However, the next day we were told that somebody from DSS would be picking him up in 4 hours. Not only were they taking away my son, but they were robbing me of precious time with him. We were devastated.
I hate this family from Sacramento. I really do. They have got to be the worst people in the entire world to do this to Ron and I. A genetic link to his half sister doesn't mean anything. Family is what you make it. Family is love. And nobody will ever love Sawyer more than Ron and I do. EVER. As far as we are concerned Sawyer will always be our first child and we will never forget him. He will always hold a special place in our hearts. Just because I didn't carry him for 9 months doesn't mean that this hurts any less. It feels like he has died because we will never see him again or get updates on how he is doing. We just have to trust that this family is giving him the care he needs and deserves, which is hard to do knowing that they are a busy family. I doubt that they are sleeping on the floor of the nursery because he hates the bassinet and aren't ready for him to be alone at night yet. I doubt they know that he is soothed by music. Or that he can also be soothed by being swaddled, given a pacifier, being held sideways, standing and rocking, and sushing in his ear loudly all at the same time (if any 1 of the 5 components are left out, it won't work). Or that he loves being worn in the Moby Wrap and will take the best naps in there when he is cuddled up next to me.
Saying good bye to Sawyer was horrible. He knew something was wrong. He was so good on our last day. In my last moments with him, he was just gazing into my eyes and maintaining eye contact for longer than he ever had. When he got put into a car seat that wasn't his, he cried and cried. It's like he knew it wasn't his. Two social workers from DSS walked him out to their car and Ron and I watched from our front door. We could hear him cry. Then we watched them drive away with our son.
I wonder if he misses us. I wonder if he has forgotten Ron and I already. I'm sure nobody will ever tell him about us. He was only with us for 31 days but the time we spent with him was so special. Ron and I will never forget it. We want him to be happy, but we want him to seem miserable so that his new family will get fed up with him and give him back to us. Our last words to Sawyer were, "Give 'em Hell. Be a bad boy so you can come back to us. We love you." I know they aren't going to give him back to us, but some days it's easier if I just pretend that they are going to get sick of his antics and give him back. He was a very needy, high maintenance baby but I didn't mind. I hope this bothers his new family.
We wanted to be Sawyer's forever family. We will never know why we couldn't be and we don't want to speculate why. I'm not one to pat myself on the back but I must say that Ron and I were awesome parents. I never doubted the fact that we would be great, but it's one thing to wonder versus actually living it. Sure it took Ron over a week to finally change a diaper on his own, but he did it and never turned back. He was always making up silly songs and singing to Sawyer. The silly songs stopped when we discovered the soothing powers of "The Fox", by Ylvis. Ron was always willing to give me a break in the middle of the night from taking care of Sawyer, even though I said I could do it on my own. I told Ron from day one that I was 'Super Mom'. I only took 2 very short naps in the time we had Sawyer. I did just fine with minimal sleep and I never complained about it. I kept a clean house and even managed to cook dinners when Ron went back to work. I was meant to be a Mom and Ron was meant to be a Dad. We just don't know why our journey to becoming forever parents is such a tough one.
Until next time...
The time we got to spend being parents to Sawyer was wonderful. He stole our hearts faster than we imagined. It's the fact that he was a foster child that made some of the time we had him not so fun. For example, it was court mandated that his birth mom have visits with him 2 times per week for an hour each visit. You have no idea how hard it was to take MY baby downtown to Child Protective Services and hand him off to his birth mom. Yes, the visits were supervised but this doesn't make it any easier. Ron and I would just take turns crying in the waiting room for an hour and wonder what is going on. And occasionally make unnecessary trips to the bathroom to spy on them. Then the birth mom would come out holding MY baby and give him kisses goodbye. The birth mom would make comments like, "Thanks for taking care of MY baby." All the while I just wanted to scream, "He's not yours. He's mine! You lost the privilege of being his mom." Sawyer would come home smelling like her perfume. I would change his clothes and give him baths and he would still smell like her. The smell of her perfume would literally make me sick to my stomach. He would have spit up all over his clothes and be in dire need of a diaper change. Seriously, all she had to do to keep his clothes clean was follow my instructions of 'feed upright, burp every ounce, and keep upright for 20 minutes after.' It's not that hard. As Ron would say, "Don't mess with Mama Bear..." And yes I know that it was just as hard for the birth mom to see Ron and I with Sawyer but she has had so many chances to prove herself as a good mother and has failed each and every time.
We had Sawyer home for 2 weeks before things started to unravel. First, we found out that Sawyer has an 11 month old half sister that was unaccounted for and lives in Sacramento County. She was in the process of being adopted by the foster family she had been living with. At first we were told that this was good news that she was being adopted and that it would help our case in court. The next day we were informed that this family from Sacramento County found out about Sawyer and want to take placement of him, which is a fancy way of saying 'steal him from us'. When they took placement of his half sister they signed a contract that stated that they would have first dibs on any subsequent children for this particular birth mom. Plus, there is a new law that states that foster families have rights to take placement of siblings, whether whole or half siblings. We were told that the Department of Social Services (DSS) was on our side and that they wanted us to keep Sawyer. They said that there were reasons why this family in Sacramento shouldn't take placement of Sawyer. We were super nervous and scared, but had a little hope based upon this information. DSS tried to blame their mistake of placing Sawyer with us on the fact that they were rushed to find a home him. Two weeks passed by and we heard nothing from DSS. Our adoption agency tried to make contact with them and they never responded. Deep down I knew something bad was brewing and I was right. On Monday December 9 we got a call that said that family from Sacramento was meeting with DSS right now about Sawyer. We were told that the family would be making their decision by noon the following day. That family was told about us. They knew that we are unable to conceive on our own, that we had a failed adoption over the summer, and that we love Sawyer as our own child. That family said they had a foster child for 6 months before and had it taken away so that they 'know what we are going through'. In my opinion, the hurt they felt from having a foster child taken away isn't the same amount of hurt we would feel because they have biological children of their own. They have no idea what it feels like to have their first born child taken away and that's what Sawyer is to us. He's our first child, our first born. On Tuesday December 10 we were informed that the family from Sacramento would be taking Sawyer away from us. They heard our story and they didn't care. We were told we had until Friday with Sawyer. However, the next day we were told that somebody from DSS would be picking him up in 4 hours. Not only were they taking away my son, but they were robbing me of precious time with him. We were devastated.
I hate this family from Sacramento. I really do. They have got to be the worst people in the entire world to do this to Ron and I. A genetic link to his half sister doesn't mean anything. Family is what you make it. Family is love. And nobody will ever love Sawyer more than Ron and I do. EVER. As far as we are concerned Sawyer will always be our first child and we will never forget him. He will always hold a special place in our hearts. Just because I didn't carry him for 9 months doesn't mean that this hurts any less. It feels like he has died because we will never see him again or get updates on how he is doing. We just have to trust that this family is giving him the care he needs and deserves, which is hard to do knowing that they are a busy family. I doubt that they are sleeping on the floor of the nursery because he hates the bassinet and aren't ready for him to be alone at night yet. I doubt they know that he is soothed by music. Or that he can also be soothed by being swaddled, given a pacifier, being held sideways, standing and rocking, and sushing in his ear loudly all at the same time (if any 1 of the 5 components are left out, it won't work). Or that he loves being worn in the Moby Wrap and will take the best naps in there when he is cuddled up next to me.
Saying good bye to Sawyer was horrible. He knew something was wrong. He was so good on our last day. In my last moments with him, he was just gazing into my eyes and maintaining eye contact for longer than he ever had. When he got put into a car seat that wasn't his, he cried and cried. It's like he knew it wasn't his. Two social workers from DSS walked him out to their car and Ron and I watched from our front door. We could hear him cry. Then we watched them drive away with our son.
I wonder if he misses us. I wonder if he has forgotten Ron and I already. I'm sure nobody will ever tell him about us. He was only with us for 31 days but the time we spent with him was so special. Ron and I will never forget it. We want him to be happy, but we want him to seem miserable so that his new family will get fed up with him and give him back to us. Our last words to Sawyer were, "Give 'em Hell. Be a bad boy so you can come back to us. We love you." I know they aren't going to give him back to us, but some days it's easier if I just pretend that they are going to get sick of his antics and give him back. He was a very needy, high maintenance baby but I didn't mind. I hope this bothers his new family.
We wanted to be Sawyer's forever family. We will never know why we couldn't be and we don't want to speculate why. I'm not one to pat myself on the back but I must say that Ron and I were awesome parents. I never doubted the fact that we would be great, but it's one thing to wonder versus actually living it. Sure it took Ron over a week to finally change a diaper on his own, but he did it and never turned back. He was always making up silly songs and singing to Sawyer. The silly songs stopped when we discovered the soothing powers of "The Fox", by Ylvis. Ron was always willing to give me a break in the middle of the night from taking care of Sawyer, even though I said I could do it on my own. I told Ron from day one that I was 'Super Mom'. I only took 2 very short naps in the time we had Sawyer. I did just fine with minimal sleep and I never complained about it. I kept a clean house and even managed to cook dinners when Ron went back to work. I was meant to be a Mom and Ron was meant to be a Dad. We just don't know why our journey to becoming forever parents is such a tough one.
Until next time...
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
It's a Boy!!!
It all began Friday
morning on November 8 when Ron and I were contacted by our social worker
letting us know that there was an available child through the foster care
system. After our failed adoption we decided that in addition to
relinquishment adoption we would also be open to taking in a foster child that
was 30 days or younger with the hope of it leading to the adoption of that
child. All we were told was that he was a 1 day old, healthy, Hispanic, male
that was going to be discharged from the hospital over the weekend. We decided
that we wanted to be in the running to take placement of him. We were excited
but not extremely hopeful. We knew we would have a lot of competition with
other families that also wanted a newborn. What about us would make us stand
out as stellar parents for this little guy?? We prayed and prayed all day that
if this was the child that we were supposed to have that everything would go
smoothly. By 4:30 that afternoon we still hadn't heard anything so we assumed
that another family had been chosen. We cried and got our emotions out and then
decided we would move on and wait for the next potential child, whether this be
days, weeks, or months. At 5:06 p.m. we received the call from our social
worker that we had been chosen. We were finally going to become parents!! I
can't even explain the amount of pure joy that we felt at that moment. We were
told that we needed to go downtown immediately to the Department of Social
Services and sign official paperwork. We were given a brief history of the
birth mom, explained the risk of the child being reunited with family, and were
told how long of a process this be for us. It was a lot to take in. Department
of Social Services wanted him to go to a family that wanted to adopt him vs. a
family that just wanted to foster him. We were asked if this was still
something we wanted to pursue. Our response was, "Yes! We are in." I
guess we answered too quickly because we were asked if we wanted to take some
time to think about it. We said, "Nope! We want him!" It was
definitely scary to say 'yes' but so exciting. We had been waiting so long for
a baby. It's much more scary to think about him being taken away from us, which
is a very real possibility.
We waited all day
Saturday for the call that our boy was ready to come home, but it never
happened. By 4:00 p.m. we were so anxious that we called the on call social
worker to see what the status was on him being discharged was. We were told
that the doctor wanted to keep him on observation one more night and that he
would be discharged on Sunday. Sunday FINALLY came and we received the call
that the baby was ready to be picked up from the hospital. We got to the
hospital and had to wait a very long 30 minutes before we could meet our future
son. We were so excited to meet him, but I was feeling sad for the birth mother
at the same time. I knew that she was with him prior to us meeting him to say
her good byes. Even though she can't care for him due to circumstances that I
won't explain, I felt kind of guilty that I was taking her son.
When we saw him for
the first time we couldn't believe how tiny he was. We've named him Sawyer Theron, but this is not currently his legal name. He was 5 lbs. 3 oz. and 18
inches long. He seemed so fragile. I couldn't believe that we were going to be
responsible for him. It's totally strange to one day not be a parent and not
know if you ever will be and then the next day you meet your child and take him
home. Of course we thought he was cute, but then again all parents think their
child is cute even if it looks like an ugly potato. Due to the fact that he is
currently a foster child, we cannot post pictures on social media. Bummer...
because I love showing him off.
Keep us in your
prayers as our journey though the adoption process continues and is far from
over. But more on this soon.
Until next time...
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Just The Sperm?
Barriers are something that we knew we would come across, but one aspect I haven't yet discussed is the role the birthfather played in the whole mess with C. Let's just put this out there. He will not be a candidate for, "Father of the Year" anytime soon. "Loser of the Year" maybe, but I am not sure when those regional awards are handed out.
When we were initially matched with C, we were told by the agency and by C that the birthfather was 'not in the picture' and probably wouldn't be something that we needed to be concerned about. We readily accepted this information because we didn't want to have to worry about him and how he might contest the adoption. As far as we were concerned he was just the sperm. Yes, it was naive to think like this but at this point it was more important to win over C. We were curious about him though, so we asked C a lot of open ended questions about him hoping that she would elaborate and she willingly answered. She described him as a 'loser'. She said that he denied that the baby is his and claims that she slept around. C was disappointed in what kind of father he has turned out to be to their 1 year old daughter. Drugs and alcohol were more important to him than to being a father. C wouldn't even let her daughter be alone with him anymore. At this point we were feeling confident that IF he ended up fighting for custody of the baby that we would win, but no one thought it would come to that.
I got to spend a lot of one on one time with C as her due date approached. As she got more comfortable with me she divulged more dirt on the birthfather. I treasured everything she told me about him because it was all info that we could use against him if he ended up disputing the adoption. Sadly, his loser-ish ways made me happy. If he was a responsible father, the adoption of this baby wouldn't have been a possibility. Even though the birthfather didn't want to claim responsibility for C's unborn child, his solution to the problem was that he and C would trade children. He would care for their 1 year old daughter and she would care for their newborn son and her 2 year old son. C told us that she would rather us have her baby boy than him and that there was no way she would let him have their daughter.
A couple weeks before C's due date, the adoption agency informed us that they had some new concerns about the birthfather. He seemed to be coming around to the idea that the baby was his. He finally made contact with the agency after they had been trying to get a hold of him for weeks and weeks. They explained to him C's adoption plan and how he was going to be served papers to terminate his rights. He would have 30 days from the birth of the child to sign over his rights or to contest the adoption. He stated that if the baby was his, he wanted it. However, he wanted to have a paternity test done to confirm. He told the agency that they could pay to have the test done. The agency informed him that it was his responsibility to pay for the paternity test. He said that he couldn't afford the test. The agency also told him that if he chooses to not sign over his rights that he would be responsible for hiring an attorney. Of course, he said that he wouldn't be able to afford that either. If we had to hire a lawyer on C's behalf to prove he was an unfit father, we would do it. Our hearts were in this 100%.
Why is it that the most unsuitable people think that they can be parents? Yet we have everything we needed to give this baby the greatest possible life and the birthfather couldn't see past his own selfishness. We were told he was young, unreliable, and delinquent on child support. If he can't afford a paternity test, how is he supposed to raise and support a child?
There is no telling how all of this would've played out after the baby was born. But since C chose to not follow through with the adoption plan she made, none of this matters anymore. After everything was said and done we realized we can't 'turn off' our love for this child and we pray that he finds some stability in his life. Ron has shared that it breaks his heart to know that the child he thought he would be a father to is now possibly being 'parented' by this man. As the weeks go by our hearts continue to heal, but we will always wonder how life is turning out for that little boy.
Until next time...
When we were initially matched with C, we were told by the agency and by C that the birthfather was 'not in the picture' and probably wouldn't be something that we needed to be concerned about. We readily accepted this information because we didn't want to have to worry about him and how he might contest the adoption. As far as we were concerned he was just the sperm. Yes, it was naive to think like this but at this point it was more important to win over C. We were curious about him though, so we asked C a lot of open ended questions about him hoping that she would elaborate and she willingly answered. She described him as a 'loser'. She said that he denied that the baby is his and claims that she slept around. C was disappointed in what kind of father he has turned out to be to their 1 year old daughter. Drugs and alcohol were more important to him than to being a father. C wouldn't even let her daughter be alone with him anymore. At this point we were feeling confident that IF he ended up fighting for custody of the baby that we would win, but no one thought it would come to that.
I got to spend a lot of one on one time with C as her due date approached. As she got more comfortable with me she divulged more dirt on the birthfather. I treasured everything she told me about him because it was all info that we could use against him if he ended up disputing the adoption. Sadly, his loser-ish ways made me happy. If he was a responsible father, the adoption of this baby wouldn't have been a possibility. Even though the birthfather didn't want to claim responsibility for C's unborn child, his solution to the problem was that he and C would trade children. He would care for their 1 year old daughter and she would care for their newborn son and her 2 year old son. C told us that she would rather us have her baby boy than him and that there was no way she would let him have their daughter.
A couple weeks before C's due date, the adoption agency informed us that they had some new concerns about the birthfather. He seemed to be coming around to the idea that the baby was his. He finally made contact with the agency after they had been trying to get a hold of him for weeks and weeks. They explained to him C's adoption plan and how he was going to be served papers to terminate his rights. He would have 30 days from the birth of the child to sign over his rights or to contest the adoption. He stated that if the baby was his, he wanted it. However, he wanted to have a paternity test done to confirm. He told the agency that they could pay to have the test done. The agency informed him that it was his responsibility to pay for the paternity test. He said that he couldn't afford the test. The agency also told him that if he chooses to not sign over his rights that he would be responsible for hiring an attorney. Of course, he said that he wouldn't be able to afford that either. If we had to hire a lawyer on C's behalf to prove he was an unfit father, we would do it. Our hearts were in this 100%.
Why is it that the most unsuitable people think that they can be parents? Yet we have everything we needed to give this baby the greatest possible life and the birthfather couldn't see past his own selfishness. We were told he was young, unreliable, and delinquent on child support. If he can't afford a paternity test, how is he supposed to raise and support a child?
There is no telling how all of this would've played out after the baby was born. But since C chose to not follow through with the adoption plan she made, none of this matters anymore. After everything was said and done we realized we can't 'turn off' our love for this child and we pray that he finds some stability in his life. Ron has shared that it breaks his heart to know that the child he thought he would be a father to is now possibly being 'parented' by this man. As the weeks go by our hearts continue to heal, but we will always wonder how life is turning out for that little boy.
Until next time...
Saturday, October 19, 2013
We Want That One
Choices are made on a daily basis. Sometimes the choice is easy, sometimes the choice is hard. Before we started the process of adoption we never thought about being able to choose what kind of child we wanted. All we knew was we wanted a baby. It's not like we were going to the store to pick the child we wanted off the shelf, yet that is what it kind of felt like.
At the beginning of this process we were given a sheet of paper titled "Child Desired". The questions started off easy. Age range in years?: 0. Gender?: Male or Female. Number of Children?: One or Two (Two would be twins. Buy one, get one free. Yes please!) Race/Ethnicity You Would Welcome Into Your Family?: Open to any mix of Caucasian, Black, Asian, Hispanic, or Native American. Are you interested in adopting from another country? No.
Then the questions got increasingly harder. It's not easy to decide what emotional, intellectual and medical potential special needs we are willing to accept or not accept. Sometimes it not even easy for me to make the easiest of everyday life choices. Will we accept a child with medical needs such as a drug withdrawal, alcohol exposure, congenital heart disease, missing limb, deformity of arms or legs, cerebral palsy, blindness, deafness, etc.? Will we accept a child whose birth parents have a history of mental illness, mental retardation, epilepsy, drug use, alcoholism, etc.? These are choices that will alter our lives and the life of a child forever and it feels scary as we wonder if we've made the right choice. Some of these choices we said we would accept, some we will not accept, and some we would discuss on a case by case basis.
We felt guilty marking 'will not accept' on some of the questions. It is hard to be reluctant to accept all possibilities. God accepts all people, so why shouldn't we? Who are we to be picky? Every child deserves a loving family. Are we willing to pass up potential children just because they have a special need? Are we ready for all the challenges a special needs child would bring into our lives?
When we thought about having a child of our own, we thought it would be this perfect little baby that had nothing wrong with it. Was our thinking naive? Maybe. Could we end up with a baby that is perfect in every way? Absolutely. And even if we are blessed with a child that has "something wrong with them", are we going to love it any less? Of course not! It will be perfect in our eyes, which is all that matters. I realize that even I was to become pregnant there are still plenty of potential special needs that could arise. It's just that I would have control over some of these risks, such as drug and alcohol exposure. I can't control any potential birth mothers, even though I wish I could.
We feel that we are very accepting of what we will or will not accept. Will this lead us to the child that God has chosen for us any faster? We hope so. A few days after our failed adoption the adoption agency informed us that we were 1 of 2 families within all six of their offices that was open to an African American child and/or a boy. This has probably changed now that it has been over 8 weeks since then, but it made us sad that at that time that no one wanted an African American child. Well, sad and kind of happy because we thought it might lead us to our baby sooner. But it all goes back to the fact that with adoption you can try and 'choose' what you desire. But I think this gives a false sense of control. We know that we can try all we want to be in control, but ultimately God is the one in control and already has our perfect baby chosen. All we can do is try to wait patiently.
Until next time...
At the beginning of this process we were given a sheet of paper titled "Child Desired". The questions started off easy. Age range in years?: 0. Gender?: Male or Female. Number of Children?: One or Two (Two would be twins. Buy one, get one free. Yes please!) Race/Ethnicity You Would Welcome Into Your Family?: Open to any mix of Caucasian, Black, Asian, Hispanic, or Native American. Are you interested in adopting from another country? No.
Then the questions got increasingly harder. It's not easy to decide what emotional, intellectual and medical potential special needs we are willing to accept or not accept. Sometimes it not even easy for me to make the easiest of everyday life choices. Will we accept a child with medical needs such as a drug withdrawal, alcohol exposure, congenital heart disease, missing limb, deformity of arms or legs, cerebral palsy, blindness, deafness, etc.? Will we accept a child whose birth parents have a history of mental illness, mental retardation, epilepsy, drug use, alcoholism, etc.? These are choices that will alter our lives and the life of a child forever and it feels scary as we wonder if we've made the right choice. Some of these choices we said we would accept, some we will not accept, and some we would discuss on a case by case basis.
We felt guilty marking 'will not accept' on some of the questions. It is hard to be reluctant to accept all possibilities. God accepts all people, so why shouldn't we? Who are we to be picky? Every child deserves a loving family. Are we willing to pass up potential children just because they have a special need? Are we ready for all the challenges a special needs child would bring into our lives?
When we thought about having a child of our own, we thought it would be this perfect little baby that had nothing wrong with it. Was our thinking naive? Maybe. Could we end up with a baby that is perfect in every way? Absolutely. And even if we are blessed with a child that has "something wrong with them", are we going to love it any less? Of course not! It will be perfect in our eyes, which is all that matters. I realize that even I was to become pregnant there are still plenty of potential special needs that could arise. It's just that I would have control over some of these risks, such as drug and alcohol exposure. I can't control any potential birth mothers, even though I wish I could.
We feel that we are very accepting of what we will or will not accept. Will this lead us to the child that God has chosen for us any faster? We hope so. A few days after our failed adoption the adoption agency informed us that we were 1 of 2 families within all six of their offices that was open to an African American child and/or a boy. This has probably changed now that it has been over 8 weeks since then, but it made us sad that at that time that no one wanted an African American child. Well, sad and kind of happy because we thought it might lead us to our baby sooner. But it all goes back to the fact that with adoption you can try and 'choose' what you desire. But I think this gives a false sense of control. We know that we can try all we want to be in control, but ultimately God is the one in control and already has our perfect baby chosen. All we can do is try to wait patiently.
Until next time...
Friday, October 11, 2013
You're Welcome For The Groceries
DISCLAIMER: If you use EBT/SNAP or WIC you may not want to read this. You might not like what I have to say. You've been warned.
Like I've said before, we have our good days and our bad days. Although lately it seems that it doesn't take much to turn a perfectly good day into a bad day. For example, Ron and I went to the grocery store one evening last week. Bad, bad idea. It was the near the first of the month. As if it wasn't bad enough for the store to be packed with people whose carts are overflowing with food that we can't afford (but are paying for), but we are stuck in line behind a young pregnant couple that is using WIC vouchers and EBT/SNAP. First of all, it's annoying that those WIC vouchers take so long to process. Second of all, the pregnant girl that "doesn't have money for groceries" has enough money for designer jeans, fancy acrylic nails, and an iphone. All the while she's standing there rubbing her big fat pregnant belly. It drives me nuts when pregnant women do that. Also, why do you need to hold your belly? It's not like the baby is going to fall out! Yeah yeah I know it's meant to be an act of love. But when infertile women see pregnant women doing this it's like they might as well just yell in my face that they are fertile and I am barren.
Just to clarify... I don't have a problem with people using EBT/SNAP or WIC. I think it is great for people who actually need the assistance. I do however have a problem with people who abuse the system. If you have money for the luxuries in life such as fancy clothes, fancy nails, and an iphone then I seriously doubt you need public assistance. You need to get your priorities straight. Get your lazy Cheeto eating, Mountain Dew drinking butt off the couch and find a job. Don't teach your children to think of the 'system' as a career choice, but do teach your children work ethic, pride, and to trash the idea of entitlement.
What it all comes down to is jealousy. I don't think it's fair that people who don't have the money to feed themselves or their families keep popping out children that they can't afford. Ron and I have worked hard to get to where we are financially, yet we pay to feed the people of WinCo and pay for adoption expenses to try and get a baby to call our own. And lastly, I'm super jealous of how the unhealthy food in their carts always looks better than the healthy food in our cart.
Like I've said before, we have our good days and our bad days. Although lately it seems that it doesn't take much to turn a perfectly good day into a bad day. For example, Ron and I went to the grocery store one evening last week. Bad, bad idea. It was the near the first of the month. As if it wasn't bad enough for the store to be packed with people whose carts are overflowing with food that we can't afford (but are paying for), but we are stuck in line behind a young pregnant couple that is using WIC vouchers and EBT/SNAP. First of all, it's annoying that those WIC vouchers take so long to process. Second of all, the pregnant girl that "doesn't have money for groceries" has enough money for designer jeans, fancy acrylic nails, and an iphone. All the while she's standing there rubbing her big fat pregnant belly. It drives me nuts when pregnant women do that. Also, why do you need to hold your belly? It's not like the baby is going to fall out! Yeah yeah I know it's meant to be an act of love. But when infertile women see pregnant women doing this it's like they might as well just yell in my face that they are fertile and I am barren.
Just to clarify... I don't have a problem with people using EBT/SNAP or WIC. I think it is great for people who actually need the assistance. I do however have a problem with people who abuse the system. If you have money for the luxuries in life such as fancy clothes, fancy nails, and an iphone then I seriously doubt you need public assistance. You need to get your priorities straight. Get your lazy Cheeto eating, Mountain Dew drinking butt off the couch and find a job. Don't teach your children to think of the 'system' as a career choice, but do teach your children work ethic, pride, and to trash the idea of entitlement.
What it all comes down to is jealousy. I don't think it's fair that people who don't have the money to feed themselves or their families keep popping out children that they can't afford. Ron and I have worked hard to get to where we are financially, yet we pay to feed the people of WinCo and pay for adoption expenses to try and get a baby to call our own. And lastly, I'm super jealous of how the unhealthy food in their carts always looks better than the healthy food in our cart.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Pain, Pain, Go Away
The whole situation is a perfect example of being kicked when I'm already down. All the emotions from dealing with this failed adoption just made my back pain for all the trampoline fun so much worse. Saying we were sad, heartbroken, hurt, and felt betrayed don't even seem like strong enough words to explain how we truly felt. Several people have told me that the emotions felt from a failed adoption feel similar to that of a miscarriage or a stillborn. I can't vouch for this statement seeing as I've never had a miscarriage or given birth to a stillborn, which I'm so thankful for. The grief we are dealing with just seems like it can't compare to the grief a mother feels that loses the life that was once growing inside her. All I know is any form of loss sucks.
What makes this whole experience so much worse is that adoption might be our only chance of having a child of our own. If we had the ability to conceive biologically, yes we would be sad, but we wouldn't be in such a state of angst wondering if we would ever be more than a family of 2.
Our sadness quickly turned to anger. It is so much easier to be angry instead of sad. We were angry that C did this to us, that she was the cause of so much pain. We wondered if she even thought about how her decision would affect us. We practically put our lives on hold for 2 months to cater to her every need, expecting to get a baby out of it. We will always wonder is she played us. Did she originally plan to actually relinquish her baby to us or was her plan just to take whatever she could get from us? The combination of her expenses and the adoption agency expenses are more than anyone could probably imagine. Lets just say my salary for the foreseeable future is already spent. This is all money that we will never see again, which caused even more heartache. We gambled and lost miserably.
Now we are back to where we started. Waiting... and waiting. It's not fun and it doesn't seem fair. We know that all of this happened for a reason. God has a perfect plan for us and being parents to this little boy wasn't in His plans. I just pray that one day I will finally become a mom. I won't lie, sometimes I feel like this is never going to happen. It's really hard to be hopeful, when I've spent so much time being hopeful (3+ years of trying to get pregnant, about a year of infertility tests, and 2 months with C) and have nothing. It hurts to want something so bad and not know if you will ever get it, no matter what lengths you go through to try and get it. I hate saying this out loud, but I feel like Ron and I deserve a baby. For starters, we actually WANT a baby, which is more than some people can say. We have the means to provide everything that child needs. And most importantly our hearts are overflowing with love for a child that we haven't even met yet. There are so many people that are undeserving of having children, yet they have herds of them. Sometimes life just isn't fair.
I hate that we prepared a nursery for a baby and now we don't have a baby to put in it. I can't even go into that room. The door stays closed, which is a shame because I love how the room turned out. It hurts too much to look around and see everything that we bought and not have a use for it.
I sure hope I never run into C around town because there is no telling what I might do. I'm not a confrontational type of person but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't hide from her. Ron better eat his Wheaties so he can hold me back from doing or saying something stupid.
We are not looking forward to potentially building another relationship with a birth mother. C definitely ruined that for us. How can we possibly 'trust' another birth mom after all of this? I'm scared that if we get matched with another birth mother that the same thing might happen again and I don't think our hearts could handle that.
So now is the time to start the healing. It just seems at this point as soon as our hearts start to heal something or somebody comes along and rips us to shreds. It kind of reminds me of a scab that keeps getting hooked on your sweater or something else and it makes it nearly impossible to heal. We know we will live with this pain for a long time, possibly forever, yet we are trying to stay positive. If you ask us how things are we may say "fine", we may break into tears or we may rip you a new one. Just prepare yourself because the feelings we have one minute may not be the same the next.
Until next time...
Friday, September 27, 2013
Part 2: Cautiously Optimistic
The day after C's due date was Ron's birthday. Ron decided that for his birthday he wanted to feel youthful and go to 2xtreme Arena, which is a trampoline arena. I was so excited that he wanted to go there because I LOVE trampolines so much. If our backyard was big enough we would have one. Ron was not liking the idea of turning 29, as it is way to close to 30. We should've known that 'trying to feel young' would be a recipe for disaster. Our time slot to jump was for 1 hour, which doesn't seem like that long but it was plenty of time. Less than 5 minutes had passed by and we were already tired and needing a break. Talk about feeling old! We had a lot of fun jumping from trampoline to trampoline, bouncing up onto the trampolines that are at an incline against the wall, and flipping into the foam pit. About halfway through our time there my back was starting to feel sore but I wasn't about to stop jumping. We paid for an hour so I would jump for an hour, and I did. Afterwards we were starving so we headed across town to our favorite sushi place for Ron's birthday lunch. At that point my back pain had increased and was really stiff. I was looking forward to going to work the following day so the physical therapists could fix me. Oh the joys of working at a physical therapy office. By the time we had finished lunch I could hardly get out of my chair to leave and could only walk a few steps at a time. I was headed downhill fast. When we got home Ron tricked me into taking a Norco for the pain, but all it did was make me dizzy and cause ringing in my ears. Within a couple hours I couldn't walk anymore. Every time I tried to stand my back would spasm and all I could do was fall back down to the bed and cry from the pain. I couldn't even tolerate Ron carrying me. All I could do was crawl. It was pathetic. I was thankful that I had vacuumed and mopped the floors the day before, especially the bathroom floor. I had officially ruined Ron's birthday and felt awful about it. Ron wanted to take me to urgent care or the emergency room but I refused. I said I wanted to see how I felt in 24 hours and I would make a decision then. I had convinced myself that I would be much better in the morning. I had to be better because I was supposed to take C to a doctor appointment that morning and because I was going to be a mom soon. C's doctor would most likely be setting a date to induce her since she was now 2 days past her due date.
The morning came and amazingly I could stand. With Ron's help I was able to slowly walk from the bed to the bathroom. As I stood back up and got ready to head back to bed my vision started to go black. Next thing I remember is hearing Ron's voice but not being able to answer. More time passed and I realized somehow I was back in bed and Ron was screaming at me to wake up. I had passed out. Ron caught me as I collapsed and dragged me back to bed. Evidently when I collapsed I started convulsing and stopped breathing. Ron says he was seconds away from breaking my ribs. He had just learned in his CPR class that effective chest compressions result in broken ribs. I stopped being stubborn and off to the ER we went. Being a Community Hospital employee paid off and I didn't have to wait at all to be seen. An x-ray of my spine came back normal. I was given some meds to see if that would take the edge off my pain and it did just enough to be able to walk again. I was sent home with the "magical" pain medicine that gave me the ability to walk again and was told to rest for a week. Never again will I take for granted being able to walk!
While all of my drama was going on, C was supposed to be going to her doctor appointment with a social worker from the adoption agency. But once again she had some lame excuse as to why she couldn't attend her appointment and said she would reschedule it for the following day. We didn't have the energy to stress about why she was doing this. At this point we were almost relieved that she hadn't gone into labor and that she wouldn't be induced at least for one more day. We needed at least one day to kind of regroup from everything that had happened in the last 24 hours.
The following day the adoption agency wasn't able to get into contact with C because she wasn't answering her phone. We had no idea if she had gone to the doctor or if she had flaked once again. I also attempted to make contact with her but she didn't respond. That evening she sent me a text that said, "I'm at the hospital. I have no service and my phone is almost dead. Sorry." At this point my mind is running wild. How long has she been at the hospital? How far along is she? Is she going to want us there like she had planned? Has she given birth? Why didn't she contact us sooner? Is she going to change her mind? I contacted the agency so they could figure out what was going on. Within 30 minutes we had an update on C. She was in labor, 8 cm along, and wavering on her decision to give up the baby for adoption.
I don't even want to try and describe how we were feeling, so I won't. All we could do was pray for a miracle. Pray that she would remember why she had decided to make an adoption plan. Pray that if God's plan for us was to be parents to this little boy that everything would fall into place. On 8/21/13 she delivered a healthy baby boy. A baby that we had been praying for. A baby that we would never hold or see. The following afternoon she decided that she wanted to keep him...
Until next time...
The morning came and amazingly I could stand. With Ron's help I was able to slowly walk from the bed to the bathroom. As I stood back up and got ready to head back to bed my vision started to go black. Next thing I remember is hearing Ron's voice but not being able to answer. More time passed and I realized somehow I was back in bed and Ron was screaming at me to wake up. I had passed out. Ron caught me as I collapsed and dragged me back to bed. Evidently when I collapsed I started convulsing and stopped breathing. Ron says he was seconds away from breaking my ribs. He had just learned in his CPR class that effective chest compressions result in broken ribs. I stopped being stubborn and off to the ER we went. Being a Community Hospital employee paid off and I didn't have to wait at all to be seen. An x-ray of my spine came back normal. I was given some meds to see if that would take the edge off my pain and it did just enough to be able to walk again. I was sent home with the "magical" pain medicine that gave me the ability to walk again and was told to rest for a week. Never again will I take for granted being able to walk!
While all of my drama was going on, C was supposed to be going to her doctor appointment with a social worker from the adoption agency. But once again she had some lame excuse as to why she couldn't attend her appointment and said she would reschedule it for the following day. We didn't have the energy to stress about why she was doing this. At this point we were almost relieved that she hadn't gone into labor and that she wouldn't be induced at least for one more day. We needed at least one day to kind of regroup from everything that had happened in the last 24 hours.
The following day the adoption agency wasn't able to get into contact with C because she wasn't answering her phone. We had no idea if she had gone to the doctor or if she had flaked once again. I also attempted to make contact with her but she didn't respond. That evening she sent me a text that said, "I'm at the hospital. I have no service and my phone is almost dead. Sorry." At this point my mind is running wild. How long has she been at the hospital? How far along is she? Is she going to want us there like she had planned? Has she given birth? Why didn't she contact us sooner? Is she going to change her mind? I contacted the agency so they could figure out what was going on. Within 30 minutes we had an update on C. She was in labor, 8 cm along, and wavering on her decision to give up the baby for adoption.
I don't even want to try and describe how we were feeling, so I won't. All we could do was pray for a miracle. Pray that she would remember why she had decided to make an adoption plan. Pray that if God's plan for us was to be parents to this little boy that everything would fall into place. On 8/21/13 she delivered a healthy baby boy. A baby that we had been praying for. A baby that we would never hold or see. The following afternoon she decided that she wanted to keep him...
Until next time...
Friday, September 20, 2013
Part 1: Cautiously Optimistic
So now I've reached the point in our story where things get tough to talk about...
It was a normal Friday afternoon (6/21/13) when we got a call from the adoption agency. We were told that our profile had been shown to a birth mother and that we had been chosen. We were ecstatic! This was the first time our profile was shown to a birth mom and it was picked. We must of done a better job than we thought of making ourselves appear awesome in our photo album. We never imagined that we would be picked so soon. We weren't even technically 'waiting' yet because our home visit hadn't been completed. However, our agency presented our profile to this birth mom because our homestudy would be completed by the time she gives birth. We just assumed we would be one of those couples that has to wait a year before they are picked and we were prepared to wait. It would all happen in God's perfect timing.
The birth mom, lets call her 'C', was due August 17, 2013. She was having a boy! She was choosing to make an adoption plan for her son because she was only 18 years old and this would be her 3rd child. Bad decision making had gotten her where she was. Pregnant, practically homeless, jobless, a mother to a 1 year old and a 2 year old, baby daddy not in the picture, and no current plans to make a better life for herself.
We were less than 2 months away from being parents! It seemed so surreal. It seemed like everything was just falling in to place. Everything up to this point had seemed so easy. We were told by our social worker to be 'cautiously optimistic'. I will forever remember this statement because we heard it so much. Even though we were excited we needed to remember that just because she she had picked us to adopt her son, didn't mean that she would follow through with her plan. Because of this we only told our parents and a few of our closest friends.
During this time of waiting for August 17th to come around we finished preparing the nursery. We had tried to make the nursery as gender neutral as possible because when we had started it we didn't know if we would be getting a boy or a girl. It ended up looking a little more suited for a boy, but at this point that was okay because we were to supposed to be getting a boy. We bought a car seat, diapers, wipes, bottles, formula, a few outfits, and all the things we needed to get through the first couple of days with him. I am not one to be unprepared, so we prepared. We figured even if things didn't work out, we would be able to use what we purchased on some child in the future.
Side note... Has anyone ever tried to fit an infant car seat in the back of a 2 door Jeep Wrangler? It is not an easy task! After several trips to Babies R Us and Buy Buy Baby, research done of Jeep Forums, and calls to the Jeep dealership we were able to solve the mystery. Thank goodness because selling my Jeep was out of the question. I love it way to much. We knew we couldn't be the only ones that feel a 2 door Jeep Wrangler is a suitable family vehicle!
Our adoption journey started to get more difficult right after we were matched with C. Adoption isn't as easy as it is portrayed on t.v. or in the movies. We were watching Friends the other night and had to laugh at how easy the adoption process was for Chandler and Monica. Most pregnant women that end up at an adoption agency aren't knocked up high school cheerleaders. They are women whose lives are in total in disarray. C wanted to meet us and we wanted to meet her. We thought it was important to build a relationship so that we were just more than 2 strangers in a picture to her. We also wanted our future child to know where he came from.
C invited me to a doctor appointment a week and a half after we were matched. Her social worker would be attending the appointment as well and would introduce us and help break the ice. The day of the doctor appointment came and C had some lame excuse as to why she couldn't attend the appointment. One week later we were scheduled to try and meet again. This time we would be meeting at the adoption agency and Ron would be attending as well. The day of that meeting came and once again she couldn't meet with us. By this time we are left feeling confused and sad. It takes days to mentally prepare ourselves for the meeting because if she doesn't like us she is entitled to change her mind and choose another family. A week later another meeting was scheduled. I didn't get my hopes up because I figured she would flake out again. To our surprise she actually followed through and we ended up meeting her. Overall our meeting with her went well. She was friendly, chatty, and easy to talk to. We got to ask questions about her interests, her family, the birth father, and her kids. Her mother showed up to our meeting about half way through it which was interesting because at that point in time her mom was not okay with her decision to give the baby up for adoption. Her mom had some very blunt, in your face questions for us which Ron answered to like a champ. At the end of our visit her mom pulled me aside and said, "I came in here not wanting to like you but now I have nothing bad to say about you." Wow, what a complete turn around!
I was invited to another doctor appointment and week and a half after our visit with C. The day of the appointment came and an hour before the appointment she flaked out. Surprise, surprise. A few days later I get a call from her that 2 days ago she went to the hospital because she was having contractions but she was sent home because she was only dilated 1 cm and not progressing. At this point she was less than 3 weeks away from her due date. Ron and I were excited at the possibility of her giving birth soon. We just wanted to know if he was going to be ours or if we were going to have to move on. Our social worker was excited for us because every one was having a hard time reading her. C was excited because she was so over being pregnant and wanted to get on with her life. It was exciting knowing that she could give birth at any time now and that we might finally be parents and give this little guy such a great life filled with love and opportunity.
In the next 3 weeks she had 3 doctor appointments. All of which I was invited to and she actually followed through with. It was a great time get to know each other better and build our relationship. I got to hear his heartbeat at 2 of these appointments. And saw him briefly on an ultrasound one time. So amazing! It was getting harder and harder to stay 'cautiously optimistic' as her due date approached. I just wanted to be 100% excited, but at the back of our minds we knew that there was a chance she could change her mind about the adoption plan and we would be left with nothing other than an empty bank account.
Do you see a trend here? She flakes out several times, then follows through with plans, flakes, and then follows through. All the while we are having highs and lows with our emotions. What a roller coaster ride. It's not fun having to just play along. It's not like we can lecture her for not following through with an appointment, as much as we wanted to. And then when we do see her, we have to pretend like it's no big deal that she does this. Ahhhhhh!! Our social worker assured us that this is normal behavior for a birth mom and that even the most flaky birth moms have followed through with their adoption plan. Sometimes the most responsible birth moms are the ones that don't follow through with the adoption plan. There is just no telling how the story will play out until after the child is born.
Her due date came (8/17/13) and went and she hadn't given birth. The last 3 weeks had felt like the longest 3 weeks in our lives as we waited and waited for her to go in full on labor. So we tried to stay busy and live our lives normally but life took some unexpected turns and things started to spiral out of control very quickly.
Until next time...
It was a normal Friday afternoon (6/21/13) when we got a call from the adoption agency. We were told that our profile had been shown to a birth mother and that we had been chosen. We were ecstatic! This was the first time our profile was shown to a birth mom and it was picked. We must of done a better job than we thought of making ourselves appear awesome in our photo album. We never imagined that we would be picked so soon. We weren't even technically 'waiting' yet because our home visit hadn't been completed. However, our agency presented our profile to this birth mom because our homestudy would be completed by the time she gives birth. We just assumed we would be one of those couples that has to wait a year before they are picked and we were prepared to wait. It would all happen in God's perfect timing.
The birth mom, lets call her 'C', was due August 17, 2013. She was having a boy! She was choosing to make an adoption plan for her son because she was only 18 years old and this would be her 3rd child. Bad decision making had gotten her where she was. Pregnant, practically homeless, jobless, a mother to a 1 year old and a 2 year old, baby daddy not in the picture, and no current plans to make a better life for herself.
We were less than 2 months away from being parents! It seemed so surreal. It seemed like everything was just falling in to place. Everything up to this point had seemed so easy. We were told by our social worker to be 'cautiously optimistic'. I will forever remember this statement because we heard it so much. Even though we were excited we needed to remember that just because she she had picked us to adopt her son, didn't mean that she would follow through with her plan. Because of this we only told our parents and a few of our closest friends.
During this time of waiting for August 17th to come around we finished preparing the nursery. We had tried to make the nursery as gender neutral as possible because when we had started it we didn't know if we would be getting a boy or a girl. It ended up looking a little more suited for a boy, but at this point that was okay because we were to supposed to be getting a boy. We bought a car seat, diapers, wipes, bottles, formula, a few outfits, and all the things we needed to get through the first couple of days with him. I am not one to be unprepared, so we prepared. We figured even if things didn't work out, we would be able to use what we purchased on some child in the future.
Side note... Has anyone ever tried to fit an infant car seat in the back of a 2 door Jeep Wrangler? It is not an easy task! After several trips to Babies R Us and Buy Buy Baby, research done of Jeep Forums, and calls to the Jeep dealership we were able to solve the mystery. Thank goodness because selling my Jeep was out of the question. I love it way to much. We knew we couldn't be the only ones that feel a 2 door Jeep Wrangler is a suitable family vehicle!
Our adoption journey started to get more difficult right after we were matched with C. Adoption isn't as easy as it is portrayed on t.v. or in the movies. We were watching Friends the other night and had to laugh at how easy the adoption process was for Chandler and Monica. Most pregnant women that end up at an adoption agency aren't knocked up high school cheerleaders. They are women whose lives are in total in disarray. C wanted to meet us and we wanted to meet her. We thought it was important to build a relationship so that we were just more than 2 strangers in a picture to her. We also wanted our future child to know where he came from.
C invited me to a doctor appointment a week and a half after we were matched. Her social worker would be attending the appointment as well and would introduce us and help break the ice. The day of the doctor appointment came and C had some lame excuse as to why she couldn't attend the appointment. One week later we were scheduled to try and meet again. This time we would be meeting at the adoption agency and Ron would be attending as well. The day of that meeting came and once again she couldn't meet with us. By this time we are left feeling confused and sad. It takes days to mentally prepare ourselves for the meeting because if she doesn't like us she is entitled to change her mind and choose another family. A week later another meeting was scheduled. I didn't get my hopes up because I figured she would flake out again. To our surprise she actually followed through and we ended up meeting her. Overall our meeting with her went well. She was friendly, chatty, and easy to talk to. We got to ask questions about her interests, her family, the birth father, and her kids. Her mother showed up to our meeting about half way through it which was interesting because at that point in time her mom was not okay with her decision to give the baby up for adoption. Her mom had some very blunt, in your face questions for us which Ron answered to like a champ. At the end of our visit her mom pulled me aside and said, "I came in here not wanting to like you but now I have nothing bad to say about you." Wow, what a complete turn around!
I was invited to another doctor appointment and week and a half after our visit with C. The day of the appointment came and an hour before the appointment she flaked out. Surprise, surprise. A few days later I get a call from her that 2 days ago she went to the hospital because she was having contractions but she was sent home because she was only dilated 1 cm and not progressing. At this point she was less than 3 weeks away from her due date. Ron and I were excited at the possibility of her giving birth soon. We just wanted to know if he was going to be ours or if we were going to have to move on. Our social worker was excited for us because every one was having a hard time reading her. C was excited because she was so over being pregnant and wanted to get on with her life. It was exciting knowing that she could give birth at any time now and that we might finally be parents and give this little guy such a great life filled with love and opportunity.
In the next 3 weeks she had 3 doctor appointments. All of which I was invited to and she actually followed through with. It was a great time get to know each other better and build our relationship. I got to hear his heartbeat at 2 of these appointments. And saw him briefly on an ultrasound one time. So amazing! It was getting harder and harder to stay 'cautiously optimistic' as her due date approached. I just wanted to be 100% excited, but at the back of our minds we knew that there was a chance she could change her mind about the adoption plan and we would be left with nothing other than an empty bank account.
Do you see a trend here? She flakes out several times, then follows through with plans, flakes, and then follows through. All the while we are having highs and lows with our emotions. What a roller coaster ride. It's not fun having to just play along. It's not like we can lecture her for not following through with an appointment, as much as we wanted to. And then when we do see her, we have to pretend like it's no big deal that she does this. Ahhhhhh!! Our social worker assured us that this is normal behavior for a birth mom and that even the most flaky birth moms have followed through with their adoption plan. Sometimes the most responsible birth moms are the ones that don't follow through with the adoption plan. There is just no telling how the story will play out until after the child is born.
Her due date came (8/17/13) and went and she hadn't given birth. The last 3 weeks had felt like the longest 3 weeks in our lives as we waited and waited for her to go in full on labor. So we tried to stay busy and live our lives normally but life took some unexpected turns and things started to spiral out of control very quickly.
Until next time...
Friday, September 13, 2013
Hurry Up And Wait
It seems like we started the adoption process years ago, but in reality it has only been 6 months. We met with a couple different agencies in town and decided on Family Connections Christian Adoptions (FCCA). They have been awesome to work with and we only have good things to say about them. FCCA has a total of 6 agencies here in California that all work together as a team. What's great about that is that our 'profile' (an album that we made with a letter to potential birth moms and pictures that showcase our life = how amazing we are or want to appear) can be shown to a birth mom from any of the 6 agencies, which increases our chances of being picked by a birth mother. So when we do get our baby it will be from California. A birth mother could pick us in her last trimester or we could get a call at any moment that we have been chosen by a mother that has just delivered and a baby is waiting for us at the hospital. We hope we are lucky enough to just get a call that we have been selected and a baby is waiting for us at the hospital.
It's really too bad that there aren't prerequisites to complete before becoming a parent for ALL parents, not just for adoptive and foster parents. Although, if this were the case there would probably never be any children to adopt. As it seems people are squeezing out children right in the WIC office entrance way or at their mailbox as they pick up their EBT cards. Most people have no clue how much paperwork there is to be completed, classes to be taken, and home preparation that has to be done (and no I'm not talking about preparing a nursery) prior to being deemed worthy of becoming adoptive parents.
The abridged version of the process goes a little something like this:
It's really too bad that there aren't prerequisites to complete before becoming a parent for ALL parents, not just for adoptive and foster parents. Although, if this were the case there would probably never be any children to adopt. As it seems people are squeezing out children right in the WIC office entrance way or at their mailbox as they pick up their EBT cards. Most people have no clue how much paperwork there is to be completed, classes to be taken, and home preparation that has to be done (and no I'm not talking about preparing a nursery) prior to being deemed worthy of becoming adoptive parents.
The abridged version of the process goes a little something like this:
- Information Session
- Or what I like to call the FREE class! Please note that this is the only part of the adoption process that is actually free.
- Intake Interview
- Basically a meeting to find out if the agency can help us with our adoption plans. Yes, they can help us. Now the craziness begins!
- Class #1, #2 & #3 (each of which are about 4 hours)
- Topics included homestudy requirements, bonding and attachment, special needs children, relinquisment vs. fos-adopt, changing unacceptable behaviors, your child's past, community resources, etc.
- A mountain of paperwork and checklists
- Financial Statement (with monthly expenditures, monthly income, assets and liabilities, insurance coverage), employment verification, tax returns, completed Live Scan, proof of health insurance, proof of auto coverage, 10 year DMV reports, CPR/First Aid certification, a complete physical health examination, TB test, emergency care and disaster plan, drawing of floor plan of our home, completed water safety class, self studies (which is pretty much our life story from birth until present time), home checklist (this particular checklist had 83 items to be completed) and the list goes on and on and on... let's just say we did less paperwork to buy our home during the economic crisis.
- Panel of Adoptive Parents
- 4 families that have adopted from the agency share their real life experiences of the adoption process. There was one family that did international adoption, one family that did domestic adoption, and 2 families that adopted from the foster care system. During this panel we had the opportunity to meet some of the children which was awesome to see how thankful they were for their parents.
- Individual Interviews
- We met with our social worker individually for counseling. The overall purpose of this is to see if we are balanced individuals and if Ron and I have a strong marriage that can handle the stresses of the adoption process and the stresses of parenthood. During this process we learned that Ron feels he always lets me win fights and I always let him win. Who knew there was actually no winner?!
- Buddy Family Visit
- We met one on one with a family that did a domestic adoption through the agency and got to hear their story and ask questions. Ron's favorite part was playing with their 2 year old son and getting free dessert. Okay... there are two free parts to adoption.
- Home Visit
- This is when our social worker visited our home. I was most worried about this visit because a lot was riding on this. This was the last step before we were officially considered 'waiting' for a child. I cleaned the house for weeks prior to the visit and I keep a clean house to start. My cleaning became slightly compulsive, which I think helped with all my nervous energy. Our house had never been cleaner, except for when we first moved in 5 years ago. This process was not quite what we expected, but it was good. Our social worker Elizabeth has a great sense of humor and made Ron nervous when she pretended we weren't suitable parents when she asked if we had firearms. Yes, they were in the gun safe.
Now that all the paperwork was done, this is where it got more difficult for us. Seeing as Ron is a go-getter and I am extremely organized/Type A personality this part was needless to say tougher than anything we had faced up to this point. Not being in control of the future is a challenge for us. We would often be asked, "So... how's it going with the process?" and we would have to respond something to the nature of, "...just waiting now." Blah... literally there were no words for the feeling of the tailspin journey we had embarked on.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Lets rewind and go back to the beginning
It's funny how life never turns out the way you think it is going to. I thought by now Ron and I would have at least one kid, maybe two. After all, I got 'baby fever' and was ready to start having kids a year after we were married. It took Ron a little longer to come around to that idea. He was the one who was thinking rationally and wanted us to finish school and have good jobs first. We thought we had everything figured out. God sure did have other plans in mind, we just didn't know it yet. As Ron's Grandma says, "If you want to see God laugh, make plans".
We tried to get pregnant the old fashioned way for over 2 years before we sought out the help of an infertility specialist. Deep down I felt that something was wrong. Why else would it be taking so long? Everyone on both sides of our families are baby making machines. So how could this be happening to us? Meanwhile it seemed that ALL of our friends, neighbors, and relatives were getting pregnant. The more time that went on the harder it was to be happy for whoever it was that was getting pregnant, especially for me. It seemed that every time I got on facebook some one else was announcing their pregnancy. I was extremely jealous. I didn't want to be, but I was. I am sorry to all of you whose baby showers I didn't attend or to those of you I distanced myself from because it was too hard to hear about your pregnancy. After many expensive tests and procedures we were left with two decisions. Keep trying other tests and procedures that were increasingly more expensive or try IUI (intrauterine insemination). We chose neither.
Months past by and I was left feeling like I was never going to be a mom. I tried so hard to be okay with the fact that I would be childless (with the exception of my brown four legged furry friends aka Riley and Piper). I felt that horrible that I couldn't be content with what I already had. Poor Ron, I feel so bad for the roller coaster of my emotions that he dealt with and is still dealing with, just in a different way now.
Adoption had always been in the back of my mind. Ron was all for it and was ready to pursue it much sooner than I was. Ron grew up in a family that was surrounded by both ends of adoption. My biggest issue was that I didn't feel that I should have to pay tons of money for a child when the majority of other couples don't have to. I told myself that adoption would be something we would never pursue because I didn't want to have pay $[insert gigantic number here] in adoption expenses for a child. It's not like the income of a Social Worker and a Physical Therapy Aide add up to very much.
It's really too bad that we couldn't just ask one of the many 'knocked up' 16 year olds at the high school near our house if they wanted to give us their baby. Every time we would see a pregnant 16 year old walking down the street Ron would say, "She's cute. Do you think she wants to give us her baby?" She would be thrilled to be getting the thousands of dollars we would offer to her and we would feel like we were getting a baby on clearance. Seems like a win-win situation. If only it could be that easy!
Everyone knows what adoption is, but we really had no idea what the process was like. One day at work I had a conversation with a co-worker that was going through the adoption process. It was so nice to talk to someone and get some real insight on adoption, other than what can be found on the internet. His experience with the process was so different than what I had thought it would be like. It almost seemed easy. Little did I know at the time how different everyone's adoptive journey could be. It got me excited about adoption. It was like something in my heart changed instantaneously. Ron was thrilled that I was finally ready to pursue this. I left him in charge of setting up an informational meeting to see what all this adoption nonsense was all about. Within a short time our prayers turned from, "Where do we go from here Lord?" to , "Here we go Lord!".
Until next time...
We tried to get pregnant the old fashioned way for over 2 years before we sought out the help of an infertility specialist. Deep down I felt that something was wrong. Why else would it be taking so long? Everyone on both sides of our families are baby making machines. So how could this be happening to us? Meanwhile it seemed that ALL of our friends, neighbors, and relatives were getting pregnant. The more time that went on the harder it was to be happy for whoever it was that was getting pregnant, especially for me. It seemed that every time I got on facebook some one else was announcing their pregnancy. I was extremely jealous. I didn't want to be, but I was. I am sorry to all of you whose baby showers I didn't attend or to those of you I distanced myself from because it was too hard to hear about your pregnancy. After many expensive tests and procedures we were left with two decisions. Keep trying other tests and procedures that were increasingly more expensive or try IUI (intrauterine insemination). We chose neither.
Months past by and I was left feeling like I was never going to be a mom. I tried so hard to be okay with the fact that I would be childless (with the exception of my brown four legged furry friends aka Riley and Piper). I felt that horrible that I couldn't be content with what I already had. Poor Ron, I feel so bad for the roller coaster of my emotions that he dealt with and is still dealing with, just in a different way now.
Adoption had always been in the back of my mind. Ron was all for it and was ready to pursue it much sooner than I was. Ron grew up in a family that was surrounded by both ends of adoption. My biggest issue was that I didn't feel that I should have to pay tons of money for a child when the majority of other couples don't have to. I told myself that adoption would be something we would never pursue because I didn't want to have pay $[insert gigantic number here] in adoption expenses for a child. It's not like the income of a Social Worker and a Physical Therapy Aide add up to very much.
It's really too bad that we couldn't just ask one of the many 'knocked up' 16 year olds at the high school near our house if they wanted to give us their baby. Every time we would see a pregnant 16 year old walking down the street Ron would say, "She's cute. Do you think she wants to give us her baby?" She would be thrilled to be getting the thousands of dollars we would offer to her and we would feel like we were getting a baby on clearance. Seems like a win-win situation. If only it could be that easy!
Everyone knows what adoption is, but we really had no idea what the process was like. One day at work I had a conversation with a co-worker that was going through the adoption process. It was so nice to talk to someone and get some real insight on adoption, other than what can be found on the internet. His experience with the process was so different than what I had thought it would be like. It almost seemed easy. Little did I know at the time how different everyone's adoptive journey could be. It got me excited about adoption. It was like something in my heart changed instantaneously. Ron was thrilled that I was finally ready to pursue this. I left him in charge of setting up an informational meeting to see what all this adoption nonsense was all about. Within a short time our prayers turned from, "Where do we go from here Lord?" to , "Here we go Lord!".
Until next time...
Saturday, August 31, 2013
An Angry Rant
DISCLAIMER: We are not writing this blog to offend or point
fingers at anyone. It is to educate others on the adoption process because
through this journey that Ron and I are on we have found that most people know
absolutely nothing about adoption. In fact, 6 months ago we didn’t know much
about it either. This blog is mostly to help us to verbalize what we have been
feeling because sometimes saying it out loud helps. We don’t expect this to get
read by many people, but for those of you who do read it, all we ask is that
you pray for us. This is by far the hardest experience we have ever been
through. We know it will be so rewarding in the end, it is just a matter of
getting to that point.
Whoa was that just a cow flying through the air? What? This is the time in our lives we find ourselves in. It is like a proverbial twister of
emotions that grab at our soul like a fat kid sneaking an extra piece of candy
when nobody is looking. Yes we are
in the middle of adoption and yes I will come at you like a rabid honey badger
that isn’t willing to take any of your “wisdom”. It all started when we decided to try to have kids… we
tried… and tried. No luck. It has been over 3 years of hearing,
“just stop thinking about it” or “you’re too stressed”. I can’t tell you how often we have
heard, “just get drunk” or “try this position”. Oh I am sorry.
Do you have a doctorate in fertility? It is just hard to take seriously a person giving me
fertility advice as they’re drinking some off brand crap beer and has 47 kids
they can’t afford. Oh by the way,
you’re welcome for those food stamps I am funding out of my hard earned check.
Now it’s our turn to offer you some “wisdom” you may or may
not want to hear.
- Babies R Us is not as it sounds. This is not the place we go to pick up the newborn baby we so desperately want. Believe it or not, babies are not readily available and are not just waiting for us to come pick him/her up off the shelf.
- Why don’t we just pick a child from the foster care system? Well, because we didn’t want to. Yes, this is something that we considered for a short time but decided against. It takes a special family to take on the responsibility of a foster child. There was a reason why this child is in the foster care. Unfortunately the risk of neglect, drug exposure in utero, physical abuse, emotional abuse or sexual abuse is almost a guarantee and we didn’t feel up to this challenge. However, there is no guarantee that our adopted newborn will be unaffected by the aforementioned (but more on that later). Yes, this is the cheaper way to have a child but that doesn’t make it the right decision for us.
- No, adoption is not free. Not even close. Just because a child needs a home doesn’t mean that he/she is going to be gifted to us.
- Why don’t we just have our own kids? Don’t you think we have tried? I have dreamed about being a Mom for as long as I can remember. Yes, my heart broke a little every month we didn’t get pregnant. Yes we have seen infertility specialists and have been poked and prodded at. And no, not all insurance covers infertility visits and procedures. At the time my insurance covered 0%. You have no idea how much money we paid to find out absolutely nothing. God led our hearts toward adoption and that is all anyone needs to know. I listened to un-welcomed advice on how to get pregnant for years now and if I hear one more person say, “just stop thinking about”…
- Oh, your best friend’s cousin’s boss’ neighbor got pregnant after adopting? Good for her! That doesn’t happen to everyone who adopts and it doesn’t mean that we will get pregnant after we are blessed with a baby through adoption. If that is in God’s plan for us we would feel so blessed, but we are not going to assume that is going to happen to us.
- Adoption is not the ‘easy way’ to have kids. You have no idea how much paperwork, checklists and classes that have to be completed before you are even considered ‘waiting for a child’. Sure I don’t have to worry about morning sickness, food cravings and aversions, stretch marks, having a baby tap dance on my bladder, or trying to lose pregnancy weight but I would gladly deal with this (but I have so much more to say about this in a later post).
- No, I don’t want your kids because they are ‘driving you crazy lately’. Do you know how lucky you are to have kids that ‘drive you crazy’? Complaining about how awful your children are doesn’t make me feel sorry for you. And it doesn’t make me want kids any less. It makes me sad that you can’t appreciate them and how lucky you are to have them.
- Yes, you can ask of questions about adoption. It is one of our favorite things to talk about right now but please think about the appropriateness of the question before you ask.
Until next time...
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