Barriers are something that we knew we would come across, but one aspect I haven't yet discussed is the role the birthfather played in the whole mess with C. Let's just put this out there. He will not be a candidate for, "Father of the Year" anytime soon. "Loser of the Year" maybe, but I am not sure when those regional awards are handed out.
When we were initially matched with C, we were told by the agency and by C that the birthfather was 'not in the picture' and probably wouldn't be something that we needed to be concerned about. We readily accepted this information because we didn't want to have to worry about him and how he might contest the adoption. As far as we were concerned he was just the sperm. Yes, it was naive to think like this but at this point it was more important to win over C. We were curious about him though, so we asked C a lot of open ended questions about him hoping that she would elaborate and she willingly answered. She described him as a 'loser'. She said that he denied that the baby is his and claims that she slept around. C was disappointed in what kind of father he has turned out to be to their 1 year old daughter. Drugs and alcohol were more important to him than to being a father. C wouldn't even let her daughter be alone with him anymore. At this point we were feeling confident that IF he ended up fighting for custody of the baby that we would win, but no one thought it would come to that.
I got to spend a lot of one on one time with C as her due date approached. As she got more comfortable with me she divulged more dirt on the birthfather. I treasured everything she told me about him because it was all info that we could use against him if he ended up disputing the adoption. Sadly, his loser-ish ways made me happy. If he was a responsible father, the adoption of this baby wouldn't have been a possibility. Even though the birthfather didn't want to claim responsibility for C's unborn child, his solution to the problem was that he and C would trade children. He would care for their 1 year old daughter and she would care for their newborn son and her 2 year old son. C told us that she would rather us have her baby boy than him and that there was no way she would let him have their daughter.
A couple weeks before C's due date, the adoption agency informed us that they had some new concerns about the birthfather. He seemed to be coming around to the idea that the baby was his. He finally made contact with the agency after they had been trying to get a hold of him for weeks and weeks. They explained to him C's adoption plan and how he was going to be served papers to terminate his rights. He would have 30 days from the birth of the child to sign over his rights or to contest the adoption. He stated that if the baby was his, he wanted it. However, he wanted to have a paternity test done to confirm. He told the agency that they could pay to have the test done. The agency informed him that it was his responsibility to pay for the paternity test. He said that he couldn't afford the test. The agency also told him that if he chooses to not sign over his rights that he would be responsible for hiring an attorney. Of course, he said that he wouldn't be able to afford that either. If we had to hire a lawyer on C's behalf to prove he was an unfit father, we would do it. Our hearts were in this 100%.
Why is it that the most unsuitable people think that they can be parents? Yet we have everything we needed to give this baby the greatest possible life and the birthfather couldn't see past his own selfishness. We were told he was young, unreliable, and delinquent on child support. If he can't afford a paternity test, how is he supposed to raise and support a child?
There is no telling how all of this would've played out after the baby was born. But since C chose to not follow through with the adoption plan she made, none of this matters anymore. After everything was said and done we realized we can't 'turn off' our love for this child and we pray that he finds some stability in his life. Ron has shared that it breaks his heart to know that the child he thought he would be a father to is now possibly being 'parented' by this man. As the weeks go by our hearts continue to heal, but we will always wonder how life is turning out for that little boy.
Until next time...
We Opt To Adopt
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Saturday, October 19, 2013
We Want That One
Choices are made on a daily basis. Sometimes the choice is easy, sometimes the choice is hard. Before we started the process of adoption we never thought about being able to choose what kind of child we wanted. All we knew was we wanted a baby. It's not like we were going to the store to pick the child we wanted off the shelf, yet that is what it kind of felt like.
At the beginning of this process we were given a sheet of paper titled "Child Desired". The questions started off easy. Age range in years?: 0. Gender?: Male or Female. Number of Children?: One or Two (Two would be twins. Buy one, get one free. Yes please!) Race/Ethnicity You Would Welcome Into Your Family?: Open to any mix of Caucasian, Black, Asian, Hispanic, or Native American. Are you interested in adopting from another country? No.
Then the questions got increasingly harder. It's not easy to decide what emotional, intellectual and medical potential special needs we are willing to accept or not accept. Sometimes it not even easy for me to make the easiest of everyday life choices. Will we accept a child with medical needs such as a drug withdrawal, alcohol exposure, congenital heart disease, missing limb, deformity of arms or legs, cerebral palsy, blindness, deafness, etc.? Will we accept a child whose birth parents have a history of mental illness, mental retardation, epilepsy, drug use, alcoholism, etc.? These are choices that will alter our lives and the life of a child forever and it feels scary as we wonder if we've made the right choice. Some of these choices we said we would accept, some we will not accept, and some we would discuss on a case by case basis.
We felt guilty marking 'will not accept' on some of the questions. It is hard to be reluctant to accept all possibilities. God accepts all people, so why shouldn't we? Who are we to be picky? Every child deserves a loving family. Are we willing to pass up potential children just because they have a special need? Are we ready for all the challenges a special needs child would bring into our lives?
When we thought about having a child of our own, we thought it would be this perfect little baby that had nothing wrong with it. Was our thinking naive? Maybe. Could we end up with a baby that is perfect in every way? Absolutely. And even if we are blessed with a child that has "something wrong with them", are we going to love it any less? Of course not! It will be perfect in our eyes, which is all that matters. I realize that even I was to become pregnant there are still plenty of potential special needs that could arise. It's just that I would have control over some of these risks, such as drug and alcohol exposure. I can't control any potential birth mothers, even though I wish I could.
We feel that we are very accepting of what we will or will not accept. Will this lead us to the child that God has chosen for us any faster? We hope so. A few days after our failed adoption the adoption agency informed us that we were 1 of 2 families within all six of their offices that was open to an African American child and/or a boy. This has probably changed now that it has been over 8 weeks since then, but it made us sad that at that time that no one wanted an African American child. Well, sad and kind of happy because we thought it might lead us to our baby sooner. But it all goes back to the fact that with adoption you can try and 'choose' what you desire. But I think this gives a false sense of control. We know that we can try all we want to be in control, but ultimately God is the one in control and already has our perfect baby chosen. All we can do is try to wait patiently.
Until next time...
At the beginning of this process we were given a sheet of paper titled "Child Desired". The questions started off easy. Age range in years?: 0. Gender?: Male or Female. Number of Children?: One or Two (Two would be twins. Buy one, get one free. Yes please!) Race/Ethnicity You Would Welcome Into Your Family?: Open to any mix of Caucasian, Black, Asian, Hispanic, or Native American. Are you interested in adopting from another country? No.
Then the questions got increasingly harder. It's not easy to decide what emotional, intellectual and medical potential special needs we are willing to accept or not accept. Sometimes it not even easy for me to make the easiest of everyday life choices. Will we accept a child with medical needs such as a drug withdrawal, alcohol exposure, congenital heart disease, missing limb, deformity of arms or legs, cerebral palsy, blindness, deafness, etc.? Will we accept a child whose birth parents have a history of mental illness, mental retardation, epilepsy, drug use, alcoholism, etc.? These are choices that will alter our lives and the life of a child forever and it feels scary as we wonder if we've made the right choice. Some of these choices we said we would accept, some we will not accept, and some we would discuss on a case by case basis.
We felt guilty marking 'will not accept' on some of the questions. It is hard to be reluctant to accept all possibilities. God accepts all people, so why shouldn't we? Who are we to be picky? Every child deserves a loving family. Are we willing to pass up potential children just because they have a special need? Are we ready for all the challenges a special needs child would bring into our lives?
When we thought about having a child of our own, we thought it would be this perfect little baby that had nothing wrong with it. Was our thinking naive? Maybe. Could we end up with a baby that is perfect in every way? Absolutely. And even if we are blessed with a child that has "something wrong with them", are we going to love it any less? Of course not! It will be perfect in our eyes, which is all that matters. I realize that even I was to become pregnant there are still plenty of potential special needs that could arise. It's just that I would have control over some of these risks, such as drug and alcohol exposure. I can't control any potential birth mothers, even though I wish I could.
We feel that we are very accepting of what we will or will not accept. Will this lead us to the child that God has chosen for us any faster? We hope so. A few days after our failed adoption the adoption agency informed us that we were 1 of 2 families within all six of their offices that was open to an African American child and/or a boy. This has probably changed now that it has been over 8 weeks since then, but it made us sad that at that time that no one wanted an African American child. Well, sad and kind of happy because we thought it might lead us to our baby sooner. But it all goes back to the fact that with adoption you can try and 'choose' what you desire. But I think this gives a false sense of control. We know that we can try all we want to be in control, but ultimately God is the one in control and already has our perfect baby chosen. All we can do is try to wait patiently.
Until next time...
Friday, October 11, 2013
You're Welcome For The Groceries
DISCLAIMER: If you use EBT/SNAP or WIC you may not want to read this. You might not like what I have to say. You've been warned.
Like I've said before, we have our good days and our bad days. Although lately it seems that it doesn't take much to turn a perfectly good day into a bad day. For example, Ron and I went to the grocery store one evening last week. Bad, bad idea. It was the near the first of the month. As if it wasn't bad enough for the store to be packed with people whose carts are overflowing with food that we can't afford (but are paying for), but we are stuck in line behind a young pregnant couple that is using WIC vouchers and EBT/SNAP. First of all, it's annoying that those WIC vouchers take so long to process. Second of all, the pregnant girl that "doesn't have money for groceries" has enough money for designer jeans, fancy acrylic nails, and an iphone. All the while she's standing there rubbing her big fat pregnant belly. It drives me nuts when pregnant women do that. Also, why do you need to hold your belly? It's not like the baby is going to fall out! Yeah yeah I know it's meant to be an act of love. But when infertile women see pregnant women doing this it's like they might as well just yell in my face that they are fertile and I am barren.
Just to clarify... I don't have a problem with people using EBT/SNAP or WIC. I think it is great for people who actually need the assistance. I do however have a problem with people who abuse the system. If you have money for the luxuries in life such as fancy clothes, fancy nails, and an iphone then I seriously doubt you need public assistance. You need to get your priorities straight. Get your lazy Cheeto eating, Mountain Dew drinking butt off the couch and find a job. Don't teach your children to think of the 'system' as a career choice, but do teach your children work ethic, pride, and to trash the idea of entitlement.
What it all comes down to is jealousy. I don't think it's fair that people who don't have the money to feed themselves or their families keep popping out children that they can't afford. Ron and I have worked hard to get to where we are financially, yet we pay to feed the people of WinCo and pay for adoption expenses to try and get a baby to call our own. And lastly, I'm super jealous of how the unhealthy food in their carts always looks better than the healthy food in our cart.
Like I've said before, we have our good days and our bad days. Although lately it seems that it doesn't take much to turn a perfectly good day into a bad day. For example, Ron and I went to the grocery store one evening last week. Bad, bad idea. It was the near the first of the month. As if it wasn't bad enough for the store to be packed with people whose carts are overflowing with food that we can't afford (but are paying for), but we are stuck in line behind a young pregnant couple that is using WIC vouchers and EBT/SNAP. First of all, it's annoying that those WIC vouchers take so long to process. Second of all, the pregnant girl that "doesn't have money for groceries" has enough money for designer jeans, fancy acrylic nails, and an iphone. All the while she's standing there rubbing her big fat pregnant belly. It drives me nuts when pregnant women do that. Also, why do you need to hold your belly? It's not like the baby is going to fall out! Yeah yeah I know it's meant to be an act of love. But when infertile women see pregnant women doing this it's like they might as well just yell in my face that they are fertile and I am barren.
Just to clarify... I don't have a problem with people using EBT/SNAP or WIC. I think it is great for people who actually need the assistance. I do however have a problem with people who abuse the system. If you have money for the luxuries in life such as fancy clothes, fancy nails, and an iphone then I seriously doubt you need public assistance. You need to get your priorities straight. Get your lazy Cheeto eating, Mountain Dew drinking butt off the couch and find a job. Don't teach your children to think of the 'system' as a career choice, but do teach your children work ethic, pride, and to trash the idea of entitlement.
What it all comes down to is jealousy. I don't think it's fair that people who don't have the money to feed themselves or their families keep popping out children that they can't afford. Ron and I have worked hard to get to where we are financially, yet we pay to feed the people of WinCo and pay for adoption expenses to try and get a baby to call our own. And lastly, I'm super jealous of how the unhealthy food in their carts always looks better than the healthy food in our cart.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Pain, Pain, Go Away
The whole situation is a perfect example of being kicked when I'm already down. All the emotions from dealing with this failed adoption just made my back pain for all the trampoline fun so much worse. Saying we were sad, heartbroken, hurt, and felt betrayed don't even seem like strong enough words to explain how we truly felt. Several people have told me that the emotions felt from a failed adoption feel similar to that of a miscarriage or a stillborn. I can't vouch for this statement seeing as I've never had a miscarriage or given birth to a stillborn, which I'm so thankful for. The grief we are dealing with just seems like it can't compare to the grief a mother feels that loses the life that was once growing inside her. All I know is any form of loss sucks.
What makes this whole experience so much worse is that adoption might be our only chance of having a child of our own. If we had the ability to conceive biologically, yes we would be sad, but we wouldn't be in such a state of angst wondering if we would ever be more than a family of 2.
Our sadness quickly turned to anger. It is so much easier to be angry instead of sad. We were angry that C did this to us, that she was the cause of so much pain. We wondered if she even thought about how her decision would affect us. We practically put our lives on hold for 2 months to cater to her every need, expecting to get a baby out of it. We will always wonder is she played us. Did she originally plan to actually relinquish her baby to us or was her plan just to take whatever she could get from us? The combination of her expenses and the adoption agency expenses are more than anyone could probably imagine. Lets just say my salary for the foreseeable future is already spent. This is all money that we will never see again, which caused even more heartache. We gambled and lost miserably.
Now we are back to where we started. Waiting... and waiting. It's not fun and it doesn't seem fair. We know that all of this happened for a reason. God has a perfect plan for us and being parents to this little boy wasn't in His plans. I just pray that one day I will finally become a mom. I won't lie, sometimes I feel like this is never going to happen. It's really hard to be hopeful, when I've spent so much time being hopeful (3+ years of trying to get pregnant, about a year of infertility tests, and 2 months with C) and have nothing. It hurts to want something so bad and not know if you will ever get it, no matter what lengths you go through to try and get it. I hate saying this out loud, but I feel like Ron and I deserve a baby. For starters, we actually WANT a baby, which is more than some people can say. We have the means to provide everything that child needs. And most importantly our hearts are overflowing with love for a child that we haven't even met yet. There are so many people that are undeserving of having children, yet they have herds of them. Sometimes life just isn't fair.
I hate that we prepared a nursery for a baby and now we don't have a baby to put in it. I can't even go into that room. The door stays closed, which is a shame because I love how the room turned out. It hurts too much to look around and see everything that we bought and not have a use for it.
I sure hope I never run into C around town because there is no telling what I might do. I'm not a confrontational type of person but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't hide from her. Ron better eat his Wheaties so he can hold me back from doing or saying something stupid.
We are not looking forward to potentially building another relationship with a birth mother. C definitely ruined that for us. How can we possibly 'trust' another birth mom after all of this? I'm scared that if we get matched with another birth mother that the same thing might happen again and I don't think our hearts could handle that.
So now is the time to start the healing. It just seems at this point as soon as our hearts start to heal something or somebody comes along and rips us to shreds. It kind of reminds me of a scab that keeps getting hooked on your sweater or something else and it makes it nearly impossible to heal. We know we will live with this pain for a long time, possibly forever, yet we are trying to stay positive. If you ask us how things are we may say "fine", we may break into tears or we may rip you a new one. Just prepare yourself because the feelings we have one minute may not be the same the next.
Until next time...
Friday, September 27, 2013
Part 2: Cautiously Optimistic
The day after C's due date was Ron's birthday. Ron decided that for his birthday he wanted to feel youthful and go to 2xtreme Arena, which is a trampoline arena. I was so excited that he wanted to go there because I LOVE trampolines so much. If our backyard was big enough we would have one. Ron was not liking the idea of turning 29, as it is way to close to 30. We should've known that 'trying to feel young' would be a recipe for disaster. Our time slot to jump was for 1 hour, which doesn't seem like that long but it was plenty of time. Less than 5 minutes had passed by and we were already tired and needing a break. Talk about feeling old! We had a lot of fun jumping from trampoline to trampoline, bouncing up onto the trampolines that are at an incline against the wall, and flipping into the foam pit. About halfway through our time there my back was starting to feel sore but I wasn't about to stop jumping. We paid for an hour so I would jump for an hour, and I did. Afterwards we were starving so we headed across town to our favorite sushi place for Ron's birthday lunch. At that point my back pain had increased and was really stiff. I was looking forward to going to work the following day so the physical therapists could fix me. Oh the joys of working at a physical therapy office. By the time we had finished lunch I could hardly get out of my chair to leave and could only walk a few steps at a time. I was headed downhill fast. When we got home Ron tricked me into taking a Norco for the pain, but all it did was make me dizzy and cause ringing in my ears. Within a couple hours I couldn't walk anymore. Every time I tried to stand my back would spasm and all I could do was fall back down to the bed and cry from the pain. I couldn't even tolerate Ron carrying me. All I could do was crawl. It was pathetic. I was thankful that I had vacuumed and mopped the floors the day before, especially the bathroom floor. I had officially ruined Ron's birthday and felt awful about it. Ron wanted to take me to urgent care or the emergency room but I refused. I said I wanted to see how I felt in 24 hours and I would make a decision then. I had convinced myself that I would be much better in the morning. I had to be better because I was supposed to take C to a doctor appointment that morning and because I was going to be a mom soon. C's doctor would most likely be setting a date to induce her since she was now 2 days past her due date.
The morning came and amazingly I could stand. With Ron's help I was able to slowly walk from the bed to the bathroom. As I stood back up and got ready to head back to bed my vision started to go black. Next thing I remember is hearing Ron's voice but not being able to answer. More time passed and I realized somehow I was back in bed and Ron was screaming at me to wake up. I had passed out. Ron caught me as I collapsed and dragged me back to bed. Evidently when I collapsed I started convulsing and stopped breathing. Ron says he was seconds away from breaking my ribs. He had just learned in his CPR class that effective chest compressions result in broken ribs. I stopped being stubborn and off to the ER we went. Being a Community Hospital employee paid off and I didn't have to wait at all to be seen. An x-ray of my spine came back normal. I was given some meds to see if that would take the edge off my pain and it did just enough to be able to walk again. I was sent home with the "magical" pain medicine that gave me the ability to walk again and was told to rest for a week. Never again will I take for granted being able to walk!
While all of my drama was going on, C was supposed to be going to her doctor appointment with a social worker from the adoption agency. But once again she had some lame excuse as to why she couldn't attend her appointment and said she would reschedule it for the following day. We didn't have the energy to stress about why she was doing this. At this point we were almost relieved that she hadn't gone into labor and that she wouldn't be induced at least for one more day. We needed at least one day to kind of regroup from everything that had happened in the last 24 hours.
The following day the adoption agency wasn't able to get into contact with C because she wasn't answering her phone. We had no idea if she had gone to the doctor or if she had flaked once again. I also attempted to make contact with her but she didn't respond. That evening she sent me a text that said, "I'm at the hospital. I have no service and my phone is almost dead. Sorry." At this point my mind is running wild. How long has she been at the hospital? How far along is she? Is she going to want us there like she had planned? Has she given birth? Why didn't she contact us sooner? Is she going to change her mind? I contacted the agency so they could figure out what was going on. Within 30 minutes we had an update on C. She was in labor, 8 cm along, and wavering on her decision to give up the baby for adoption.
I don't even want to try and describe how we were feeling, so I won't. All we could do was pray for a miracle. Pray that she would remember why she had decided to make an adoption plan. Pray that if God's plan for us was to be parents to this little boy that everything would fall into place. On 8/21/13 she delivered a healthy baby boy. A baby that we had been praying for. A baby that we would never hold or see. The following afternoon she decided that she wanted to keep him...
Until next time...
The morning came and amazingly I could stand. With Ron's help I was able to slowly walk from the bed to the bathroom. As I stood back up and got ready to head back to bed my vision started to go black. Next thing I remember is hearing Ron's voice but not being able to answer. More time passed and I realized somehow I was back in bed and Ron was screaming at me to wake up. I had passed out. Ron caught me as I collapsed and dragged me back to bed. Evidently when I collapsed I started convulsing and stopped breathing. Ron says he was seconds away from breaking my ribs. He had just learned in his CPR class that effective chest compressions result in broken ribs. I stopped being stubborn and off to the ER we went. Being a Community Hospital employee paid off and I didn't have to wait at all to be seen. An x-ray of my spine came back normal. I was given some meds to see if that would take the edge off my pain and it did just enough to be able to walk again. I was sent home with the "magical" pain medicine that gave me the ability to walk again and was told to rest for a week. Never again will I take for granted being able to walk!
While all of my drama was going on, C was supposed to be going to her doctor appointment with a social worker from the adoption agency. But once again she had some lame excuse as to why she couldn't attend her appointment and said she would reschedule it for the following day. We didn't have the energy to stress about why she was doing this. At this point we were almost relieved that she hadn't gone into labor and that she wouldn't be induced at least for one more day. We needed at least one day to kind of regroup from everything that had happened in the last 24 hours.
The following day the adoption agency wasn't able to get into contact with C because she wasn't answering her phone. We had no idea if she had gone to the doctor or if she had flaked once again. I also attempted to make contact with her but she didn't respond. That evening she sent me a text that said, "I'm at the hospital. I have no service and my phone is almost dead. Sorry." At this point my mind is running wild. How long has she been at the hospital? How far along is she? Is she going to want us there like she had planned? Has she given birth? Why didn't she contact us sooner? Is she going to change her mind? I contacted the agency so they could figure out what was going on. Within 30 minutes we had an update on C. She was in labor, 8 cm along, and wavering on her decision to give up the baby for adoption.
I don't even want to try and describe how we were feeling, so I won't. All we could do was pray for a miracle. Pray that she would remember why she had decided to make an adoption plan. Pray that if God's plan for us was to be parents to this little boy that everything would fall into place. On 8/21/13 she delivered a healthy baby boy. A baby that we had been praying for. A baby that we would never hold or see. The following afternoon she decided that she wanted to keep him...
Until next time...
Friday, September 20, 2013
Part 1: Cautiously Optimistic
So now I've reached the point in our story where things get tough to talk about...
It was a normal Friday afternoon (6/21/13) when we got a call from the adoption agency. We were told that our profile had been shown to a birth mother and that we had been chosen. We were ecstatic! This was the first time our profile was shown to a birth mom and it was picked. We must of done a better job than we thought of making ourselves appear awesome in our photo album. We never imagined that we would be picked so soon. We weren't even technically 'waiting' yet because our home visit hadn't been completed. However, our agency presented our profile to this birth mom because our homestudy would be completed by the time she gives birth. We just assumed we would be one of those couples that has to wait a year before they are picked and we were prepared to wait. It would all happen in God's perfect timing.
The birth mom, lets call her 'C', was due August 17, 2013. She was having a boy! She was choosing to make an adoption plan for her son because she was only 18 years old and this would be her 3rd child. Bad decision making had gotten her where she was. Pregnant, practically homeless, jobless, a mother to a 1 year old and a 2 year old, baby daddy not in the picture, and no current plans to make a better life for herself.
We were less than 2 months away from being parents! It seemed so surreal. It seemed like everything was just falling in to place. Everything up to this point had seemed so easy. We were told by our social worker to be 'cautiously optimistic'. I will forever remember this statement because we heard it so much. Even though we were excited we needed to remember that just because she she had picked us to adopt her son, didn't mean that she would follow through with her plan. Because of this we only told our parents and a few of our closest friends.
During this time of waiting for August 17th to come around we finished preparing the nursery. We had tried to make the nursery as gender neutral as possible because when we had started it we didn't know if we would be getting a boy or a girl. It ended up looking a little more suited for a boy, but at this point that was okay because we were to supposed to be getting a boy. We bought a car seat, diapers, wipes, bottles, formula, a few outfits, and all the things we needed to get through the first couple of days with him. I am not one to be unprepared, so we prepared. We figured even if things didn't work out, we would be able to use what we purchased on some child in the future.
Side note... Has anyone ever tried to fit an infant car seat in the back of a 2 door Jeep Wrangler? It is not an easy task! After several trips to Babies R Us and Buy Buy Baby, research done of Jeep Forums, and calls to the Jeep dealership we were able to solve the mystery. Thank goodness because selling my Jeep was out of the question. I love it way to much. We knew we couldn't be the only ones that feel a 2 door Jeep Wrangler is a suitable family vehicle!
Our adoption journey started to get more difficult right after we were matched with C. Adoption isn't as easy as it is portrayed on t.v. or in the movies. We were watching Friends the other night and had to laugh at how easy the adoption process was for Chandler and Monica. Most pregnant women that end up at an adoption agency aren't knocked up high school cheerleaders. They are women whose lives are in total in disarray. C wanted to meet us and we wanted to meet her. We thought it was important to build a relationship so that we were just more than 2 strangers in a picture to her. We also wanted our future child to know where he came from.
C invited me to a doctor appointment a week and a half after we were matched. Her social worker would be attending the appointment as well and would introduce us and help break the ice. The day of the doctor appointment came and C had some lame excuse as to why she couldn't attend the appointment. One week later we were scheduled to try and meet again. This time we would be meeting at the adoption agency and Ron would be attending as well. The day of that meeting came and once again she couldn't meet with us. By this time we are left feeling confused and sad. It takes days to mentally prepare ourselves for the meeting because if she doesn't like us she is entitled to change her mind and choose another family. A week later another meeting was scheduled. I didn't get my hopes up because I figured she would flake out again. To our surprise she actually followed through and we ended up meeting her. Overall our meeting with her went well. She was friendly, chatty, and easy to talk to. We got to ask questions about her interests, her family, the birth father, and her kids. Her mother showed up to our meeting about half way through it which was interesting because at that point in time her mom was not okay with her decision to give the baby up for adoption. Her mom had some very blunt, in your face questions for us which Ron answered to like a champ. At the end of our visit her mom pulled me aside and said, "I came in here not wanting to like you but now I have nothing bad to say about you." Wow, what a complete turn around!
I was invited to another doctor appointment and week and a half after our visit with C. The day of the appointment came and an hour before the appointment she flaked out. Surprise, surprise. A few days later I get a call from her that 2 days ago she went to the hospital because she was having contractions but she was sent home because she was only dilated 1 cm and not progressing. At this point she was less than 3 weeks away from her due date. Ron and I were excited at the possibility of her giving birth soon. We just wanted to know if he was going to be ours or if we were going to have to move on. Our social worker was excited for us because every one was having a hard time reading her. C was excited because she was so over being pregnant and wanted to get on with her life. It was exciting knowing that she could give birth at any time now and that we might finally be parents and give this little guy such a great life filled with love and opportunity.
In the next 3 weeks she had 3 doctor appointments. All of which I was invited to and she actually followed through with. It was a great time get to know each other better and build our relationship. I got to hear his heartbeat at 2 of these appointments. And saw him briefly on an ultrasound one time. So amazing! It was getting harder and harder to stay 'cautiously optimistic' as her due date approached. I just wanted to be 100% excited, but at the back of our minds we knew that there was a chance she could change her mind about the adoption plan and we would be left with nothing other than an empty bank account.
Do you see a trend here? She flakes out several times, then follows through with plans, flakes, and then follows through. All the while we are having highs and lows with our emotions. What a roller coaster ride. It's not fun having to just play along. It's not like we can lecture her for not following through with an appointment, as much as we wanted to. And then when we do see her, we have to pretend like it's no big deal that she does this. Ahhhhhh!! Our social worker assured us that this is normal behavior for a birth mom and that even the most flaky birth moms have followed through with their adoption plan. Sometimes the most responsible birth moms are the ones that don't follow through with the adoption plan. There is just no telling how the story will play out until after the child is born.
Her due date came (8/17/13) and went and she hadn't given birth. The last 3 weeks had felt like the longest 3 weeks in our lives as we waited and waited for her to go in full on labor. So we tried to stay busy and live our lives normally but life took some unexpected turns and things started to spiral out of control very quickly.
Until next time...
It was a normal Friday afternoon (6/21/13) when we got a call from the adoption agency. We were told that our profile had been shown to a birth mother and that we had been chosen. We were ecstatic! This was the first time our profile was shown to a birth mom and it was picked. We must of done a better job than we thought of making ourselves appear awesome in our photo album. We never imagined that we would be picked so soon. We weren't even technically 'waiting' yet because our home visit hadn't been completed. However, our agency presented our profile to this birth mom because our homestudy would be completed by the time she gives birth. We just assumed we would be one of those couples that has to wait a year before they are picked and we were prepared to wait. It would all happen in God's perfect timing.
The birth mom, lets call her 'C', was due August 17, 2013. She was having a boy! She was choosing to make an adoption plan for her son because she was only 18 years old and this would be her 3rd child. Bad decision making had gotten her where she was. Pregnant, practically homeless, jobless, a mother to a 1 year old and a 2 year old, baby daddy not in the picture, and no current plans to make a better life for herself.
We were less than 2 months away from being parents! It seemed so surreal. It seemed like everything was just falling in to place. Everything up to this point had seemed so easy. We were told by our social worker to be 'cautiously optimistic'. I will forever remember this statement because we heard it so much. Even though we were excited we needed to remember that just because she she had picked us to adopt her son, didn't mean that she would follow through with her plan. Because of this we only told our parents and a few of our closest friends.
During this time of waiting for August 17th to come around we finished preparing the nursery. We had tried to make the nursery as gender neutral as possible because when we had started it we didn't know if we would be getting a boy or a girl. It ended up looking a little more suited for a boy, but at this point that was okay because we were to supposed to be getting a boy. We bought a car seat, diapers, wipes, bottles, formula, a few outfits, and all the things we needed to get through the first couple of days with him. I am not one to be unprepared, so we prepared. We figured even if things didn't work out, we would be able to use what we purchased on some child in the future.
Side note... Has anyone ever tried to fit an infant car seat in the back of a 2 door Jeep Wrangler? It is not an easy task! After several trips to Babies R Us and Buy Buy Baby, research done of Jeep Forums, and calls to the Jeep dealership we were able to solve the mystery. Thank goodness because selling my Jeep was out of the question. I love it way to much. We knew we couldn't be the only ones that feel a 2 door Jeep Wrangler is a suitable family vehicle!
Our adoption journey started to get more difficult right after we were matched with C. Adoption isn't as easy as it is portrayed on t.v. or in the movies. We were watching Friends the other night and had to laugh at how easy the adoption process was for Chandler and Monica. Most pregnant women that end up at an adoption agency aren't knocked up high school cheerleaders. They are women whose lives are in total in disarray. C wanted to meet us and we wanted to meet her. We thought it was important to build a relationship so that we were just more than 2 strangers in a picture to her. We also wanted our future child to know where he came from.
C invited me to a doctor appointment a week and a half after we were matched. Her social worker would be attending the appointment as well and would introduce us and help break the ice. The day of the doctor appointment came and C had some lame excuse as to why she couldn't attend the appointment. One week later we were scheduled to try and meet again. This time we would be meeting at the adoption agency and Ron would be attending as well. The day of that meeting came and once again she couldn't meet with us. By this time we are left feeling confused and sad. It takes days to mentally prepare ourselves for the meeting because if she doesn't like us she is entitled to change her mind and choose another family. A week later another meeting was scheduled. I didn't get my hopes up because I figured she would flake out again. To our surprise she actually followed through and we ended up meeting her. Overall our meeting with her went well. She was friendly, chatty, and easy to talk to. We got to ask questions about her interests, her family, the birth father, and her kids. Her mother showed up to our meeting about half way through it which was interesting because at that point in time her mom was not okay with her decision to give the baby up for adoption. Her mom had some very blunt, in your face questions for us which Ron answered to like a champ. At the end of our visit her mom pulled me aside and said, "I came in here not wanting to like you but now I have nothing bad to say about you." Wow, what a complete turn around!
I was invited to another doctor appointment and week and a half after our visit with C. The day of the appointment came and an hour before the appointment she flaked out. Surprise, surprise. A few days later I get a call from her that 2 days ago she went to the hospital because she was having contractions but she was sent home because she was only dilated 1 cm and not progressing. At this point she was less than 3 weeks away from her due date. Ron and I were excited at the possibility of her giving birth soon. We just wanted to know if he was going to be ours or if we were going to have to move on. Our social worker was excited for us because every one was having a hard time reading her. C was excited because she was so over being pregnant and wanted to get on with her life. It was exciting knowing that she could give birth at any time now and that we might finally be parents and give this little guy such a great life filled with love and opportunity.
In the next 3 weeks she had 3 doctor appointments. All of which I was invited to and she actually followed through with. It was a great time get to know each other better and build our relationship. I got to hear his heartbeat at 2 of these appointments. And saw him briefly on an ultrasound one time. So amazing! It was getting harder and harder to stay 'cautiously optimistic' as her due date approached. I just wanted to be 100% excited, but at the back of our minds we knew that there was a chance she could change her mind about the adoption plan and we would be left with nothing other than an empty bank account.
Do you see a trend here? She flakes out several times, then follows through with plans, flakes, and then follows through. All the while we are having highs and lows with our emotions. What a roller coaster ride. It's not fun having to just play along. It's not like we can lecture her for not following through with an appointment, as much as we wanted to. And then when we do see her, we have to pretend like it's no big deal that she does this. Ahhhhhh!! Our social worker assured us that this is normal behavior for a birth mom and that even the most flaky birth moms have followed through with their adoption plan. Sometimes the most responsible birth moms are the ones that don't follow through with the adoption plan. There is just no telling how the story will play out until after the child is born.
Her due date came (8/17/13) and went and she hadn't given birth. The last 3 weeks had felt like the longest 3 weeks in our lives as we waited and waited for her to go in full on labor. So we tried to stay busy and live our lives normally but life took some unexpected turns and things started to spiral out of control very quickly.
Until next time...
Friday, September 13, 2013
Hurry Up And Wait
It seems like we started the adoption process years ago, but in reality it has only been 6 months. We met with a couple different agencies in town and decided on Family Connections Christian Adoptions (FCCA). They have been awesome to work with and we only have good things to say about them. FCCA has a total of 6 agencies here in California that all work together as a team. What's great about that is that our 'profile' (an album that we made with a letter to potential birth moms and pictures that showcase our life = how amazing we are or want to appear) can be shown to a birth mom from any of the 6 agencies, which increases our chances of being picked by a birth mother. So when we do get our baby it will be from California. A birth mother could pick us in her last trimester or we could get a call at any moment that we have been chosen by a mother that has just delivered and a baby is waiting for us at the hospital. We hope we are lucky enough to just get a call that we have been selected and a baby is waiting for us at the hospital.
It's really too bad that there aren't prerequisites to complete before becoming a parent for ALL parents, not just for adoptive and foster parents. Although, if this were the case there would probably never be any children to adopt. As it seems people are squeezing out children right in the WIC office entrance way or at their mailbox as they pick up their EBT cards. Most people have no clue how much paperwork there is to be completed, classes to be taken, and home preparation that has to be done (and no I'm not talking about preparing a nursery) prior to being deemed worthy of becoming adoptive parents.
The abridged version of the process goes a little something like this:
It's really too bad that there aren't prerequisites to complete before becoming a parent for ALL parents, not just for adoptive and foster parents. Although, if this were the case there would probably never be any children to adopt. As it seems people are squeezing out children right in the WIC office entrance way or at their mailbox as they pick up their EBT cards. Most people have no clue how much paperwork there is to be completed, classes to be taken, and home preparation that has to be done (and no I'm not talking about preparing a nursery) prior to being deemed worthy of becoming adoptive parents.
The abridged version of the process goes a little something like this:
- Information Session
- Or what I like to call the FREE class! Please note that this is the only part of the adoption process that is actually free.
- Intake Interview
- Basically a meeting to find out if the agency can help us with our adoption plans. Yes, they can help us. Now the craziness begins!
- Class #1, #2 & #3 (each of which are about 4 hours)
- Topics included homestudy requirements, bonding and attachment, special needs children, relinquisment vs. fos-adopt, changing unacceptable behaviors, your child's past, community resources, etc.
- A mountain of paperwork and checklists
- Financial Statement (with monthly expenditures, monthly income, assets and liabilities, insurance coverage), employment verification, tax returns, completed Live Scan, proof of health insurance, proof of auto coverage, 10 year DMV reports, CPR/First Aid certification, a complete physical health examination, TB test, emergency care and disaster plan, drawing of floor plan of our home, completed water safety class, self studies (which is pretty much our life story from birth until present time), home checklist (this particular checklist had 83 items to be completed) and the list goes on and on and on... let's just say we did less paperwork to buy our home during the economic crisis.
- Panel of Adoptive Parents
- 4 families that have adopted from the agency share their real life experiences of the adoption process. There was one family that did international adoption, one family that did domestic adoption, and 2 families that adopted from the foster care system. During this panel we had the opportunity to meet some of the children which was awesome to see how thankful they were for their parents.
- Individual Interviews
- We met with our social worker individually for counseling. The overall purpose of this is to see if we are balanced individuals and if Ron and I have a strong marriage that can handle the stresses of the adoption process and the stresses of parenthood. During this process we learned that Ron feels he always lets me win fights and I always let him win. Who knew there was actually no winner?!
- Buddy Family Visit
- We met one on one with a family that did a domestic adoption through the agency and got to hear their story and ask questions. Ron's favorite part was playing with their 2 year old son and getting free dessert. Okay... there are two free parts to adoption.
- Home Visit
- This is when our social worker visited our home. I was most worried about this visit because a lot was riding on this. This was the last step before we were officially considered 'waiting' for a child. I cleaned the house for weeks prior to the visit and I keep a clean house to start. My cleaning became slightly compulsive, which I think helped with all my nervous energy. Our house had never been cleaner, except for when we first moved in 5 years ago. This process was not quite what we expected, but it was good. Our social worker Elizabeth has a great sense of humor and made Ron nervous when she pretended we weren't suitable parents when she asked if we had firearms. Yes, they were in the gun safe.
Now that all the paperwork was done, this is where it got more difficult for us. Seeing as Ron is a go-getter and I am extremely organized/Type A personality this part was needless to say tougher than anything we had faced up to this point. Not being in control of the future is a challenge for us. We would often be asked, "So... how's it going with the process?" and we would have to respond something to the nature of, "...just waiting now." Blah... literally there were no words for the feeling of the tailspin journey we had embarked on.
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